I hate everything

Autopilot,

If this member is who I think it is, he is no longer with us. He was very rude to me too. Called me some pretty bad names and I alerted the administrator and he banned him from the forum. So don't let it make you feel bad. He is just one unhappy character. And don't let it reflect on you.

Life is hard with depression and having it at such a young age is really hard. You can't be yourelf, you can't be a kid. And we should be able to be kids when we are children. So that robs us of experiences in life, and takes our self esteem away.

Are you seeing a counselor? It really does help. It gives you a private person to talk to and you get support and direction from them. They answer your questions about life. It is a wonderful experience. I hope that you are or that you will think about it.

I am glad that you started this post. Know that here at healing well, we want to support eachother. Now and then a member sneaks through and is like this person was. But they don't stay long if we can help it.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

Thank you both for your kind words. It is refreshing to have someone being so kind and supportive for once. I'm sure therapy is a good idea, but I don't have medical insurance to get the help I need. My parents didn't want kids, so they never let me on their medical, honestly I don't even know if they have it. And once you turn 19 you can't get help from the government unless you're pregnant-which I would never consider at this point.

I've been.. out of it for a while. Even if I could find some service, I probably couldn't get myself out of the apartment. I'm not angry anymore. I feel like I've given up on life. It's hard not to think about not being here. I've never been so depressed in my life. Not even when I watched my big brother die. I've just been.. doing stupid things. One thing resulted in partial loss of feeling in one of my legs. It's been partially numb for a couple weeks now. And I don't even understand what is wrong with it, or if it will ever get better. God this is stupid. I need help desperately, but there is nothing I can do. Reaching out to people on the internet is my last pitiful attempt to get help.

I really don't care if I live or die at this point. I guess there is still something in me that wants to feel better, or I would already be gone, but it scares the hell out of me how quickly its fading. I cross the street without looking, secretly hoping that something will happen. Hoping that this pain will just stop. I just want this pain to stop. Is there anything I can do at this point? Or is everything as hopeless as it feels.

AP-
I'm glad you felt comfortable posting again. As Karen said, nearly all the posters here in the forum are kind, compassionate, supportive souls -- and the mods like her do a fantastic job of protecting us from the few that aren't by quickly editing their posts & requesting intervention by the Site Administrator (Peter Waite) to lock or block the member.

There are insurance options for the unemployed that are free or cheap. Here's a link for that: www.ehow.com/how_1000524_health-insurance-unemployed.html. That link includes Medicaid, State Insurance Pools & other gov't programs. I have several friends who take advantage of public assistance & they are over 19yo -- there is help, you just need to know where to look. ;)

If you cannot get insurance of any kind, know there ARE options. Karen described the sliding scale or charity care programs offered by some psychiatrists, therapists & hospitals. Also, you can always call 911 or go to the hospital if you are feeling suicidal. They are legally obligated to treat you regardless of whether you have insurance or any money at all to pay for treatment.

For prescriptions, check out /www.pparx.org/en/prescription_assistance_programs. They also list FREE CLINICS where you can potentially get evaluated for depression, PTSD or whatnot & get scripts or free meds.

okay, well enough about how to get counseling and/or meds. I know that you're angry 'cause you were given a raw deal. I was too. I was doing better for a while, but then started listening to my family again & went spiraling downward -- began to feel like @#$% , thinking about dying/suicide, hating everything, feeling angry & hopeless nearly all the time. They are so negative, condescending & hateful towards me. Why do I let them continue to torment me?!
I came across a great website a couple days ago. www.angriesout.com/index.htm#grownups
I started with the exercises on Selfishness & Narcissism in Family Relationships since those applied most to my situation growing up & the continuing dynamic even now. I've done some of the other ones for adults as well (some are better than others) & also even checked out some of the stuff for kids. It's written VERY simply, but since I never really learned how to manage emotions as a child, I've found some of it is helping me learn how to not be so bothered by the stupid, hurtful things my family still says to me -- and also how to manage without crying or screaming when some random person says or does something that triggers a memory of past abuse.

Not sure if it will help you or not, but I've been pretty happy with it, so I though I would share. Hope it helps.

blessings,
frances