my husband, my best friend, my worst enemy HELP

My husband and i have been together for over 5 years and have 2 children. we have had some hard times and it seems after we talk we do great for a month or so and then things fall apart again. there are issues with insecurity and him going on dating sites telling the women on there that i was dead and that sort of thing as well as him having 'erotic' webcam chats with his ex-girlfriend while i was pregnant with our second child and he was stationed overseas.

he constantly made me feel like i wasnt enough to satisfy him. we went to marriage couseling and that only made things worse. so we went to a military provided couples class and it was great. we were doing well for months then he went away for a month of training elsewhere.

the first day he was back was awesome but then things went crazy. he wont look at me, we have little interaction, i dont feel a connection when having sex, and he was ********** to things that i consider disturbing when i was right in the other room and more than willing to take care of his sexual urge (even if hes the only one that gets off) and got defensive when i tried to talk about it.

theres so many questions but right now i want to know why. i need a better understanding of why he is the way he is because he feels that its a weakness to reveal things about himself. why does he do what he does when he knows it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive amongst numerous other feelings that i cant put into words right now. please help me

if you need more information just let me know and ill do my best to answer the questions i am asked...thanks so much

thanks familyguy

we want to continue with the classes and even signed up for a retreat from the 11th thru the 14th thats paid for already...

the problem with the classes is that they only have them once every 3 months or so and my husband is very forgetful so he forgets what the classes talked about very easily...coupling that with ADHD its hard to say what the real cause is.

as for the counseling...i have tried many and they all try to downplay the situation and make me feel like its normal for a man to do what he is doing...thats why i prefer things like this...i get better advice...and the military makes him see someone they provide....he just recently told me that they think hes crazy but he either wont tell me why or doesnt know why...hws supposed to go again some time this week...i am not sure whether they make him talk about his personal life or if it is all work related things

he tends to keep to himself and doesnt like to share things so its hard telling not knowing...at any rate i thank you

and im not sure how u knew i was new to the forums but thanks for welcoming me

you are right about the heart ache part...and thanks for welcoming me

yes there is that fine line between love and hate sometimes....i have been doing my best for this marriage but it just gets so hard sometimes...there have been many times that i have been millimeters from walking away from it but i just cant...no matter how unhappy he makes me i see something in him that keeps me here...i love everything about him but at the same time i hate it all... im just tired of the hurt and misery he causes me but then theres the moments where he shows me that he can be romantic and compassionate...i know he loves me but im not sure if hes still IN love with me...or if he ever was...but it makes it so much harder now that we have children together

you are right the dating site and his ex were not the first things that happened...those were just the most hurtful...he has always been looking for other women...and lately hes interested in well im not sure how to spell this but here it goes...hermaphrodites (women that also have the male parts) im not sure if he has a fetish or if theres something more that hes looking for that i can not fulfill for him...its hard to try and make him happy when i dont know if he can be...at least with me...


when he smiles he lights up...he acts so goofy sometimes and makes me laugh no matter how upset i get...he never comforts me right away but he will when hes ready...he dances wildly with me and will help with the kids and hosue work (even if reluctant) and sometimes he surprises me with little things that make me feel good...but on the other hand he can be cruel and he can say some really hurtful things when hes angry (normally when i ask about things he doesnt want to discuss but over the years i have noticed i dont truly know him...he tells me things sometimes that make me realize hes got a whole other side he keeps hidden...but i deserve to know who it is that i thought i married)...

part of the problem is that he had a family that doesnt talk about problems and a mother that tries to interject herself in every situation...and his grandmother...dont even get me started...the only thing i will say is that yeah she was a great person but he compares her to me all the time...my cooking, cleaning, problem solving, everything...that aspect has gotten better over the years but he still does itonce in a while...my point is that he grew up in a home where there wasnt any real support and they had to learn to deal with their problems on their own...so he is the same way and cant understand y i am not like that....why do i have to talk about everything...because I WANT AND DESERVE those answers...im just at a loss for what to do i guess

the hug would be great and i appreciate the support i wasnt expecting this and its refreshing...i thank you so much

you worded the love/hate thing perfectly and true again about the core values...but my opinion is that you have a choice to be that way...or you can change it so you are not that way...i grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family and endured every kind of abuse u can imagine as a child and teenager...and i turned out ok...but i CHOSE to not be like my family...i wanted that closeness wehn i got married and had children of my own...but maybe thats just me

maybe he doesnt know how to but i think its more that he doesnt WANT to...he is in counseling thru the military but like i said before im not sure of they make him talk about his personal life or if its just about work related things...i dont know what to do anymore thats my main thing..i mean his latest obsession does that mean he doesnt find me attractive anymore or what? i dont know how to interprete these things that he does...not anymroe

im just tired of guessing and feeling like i dont know who my husband is...tired of trying for something i feel is going to fail in the long run no matter how much effort i put into it or tears that i cry...guess im in that low spot that im afraid to be in

like i said i just dont know what to do anymore

thanks again for replying its greatly appreciated and i love the fact that its a 'peer environment'

Hello, 1 With A Question, and welcome to the forum on depression.

I observed that you metioned that your husband has ADHD disorder.
It's possible that the illness may be causing many of his problems, and he may not want to face it; that could be the reason that he just doesn't want to talk about it. The idea that you are dead, however, is another matter altogether and disturbing to me. That's a condition that's serious.

Have you ever been in to talk to a psychiatrist alone? You may be married to a man who has bipolar illness, and it may be that he is able to control it himself for a short period of time, but unable to manage it by himself for the long haul. He should see a psychiatrist and permit himself to be medicated for the illness if that's what's bothering him. My own view is that you need to get him in to see a psychiatrist so that bipolar illness may be eliminated if he doesn't, in fact, have that illness.

Does anyone else in his family behave as he does? For example, does he have a sister or brother, mother or father who suffered from depression or alcoholism at some time in his/her life? That's one clue that you may be dealing with a bipolar illness.

As Skitt says, you are going through a serious time with abuse and you just need to know more before you make any decisions about whether to stay in a situation like the one you're in. Bipolar illness doesn't get better unless treated; only in rare and very mild cases has the illness been arrested without medication and specialist care until meds are working.

I hope you will make the effort to find the truth; he does have some
serious problems that need to be resolved.

Be careful and take care of yourself and your children.

It's Genetic