Is this depression?

Hi all,

I'm sure what I'm going through is depression. I've been dx with it before and its back again. But I'm wondering if it's truly depression, or just a bad set of circumstances, because when things are going well, I don't seem depressed at all. Getting good news can make my mood do a total 360. So I guess I'm wondering if it's clinical or just circumstantial.

Basically, these are my circumstances:

1) I'm out of work and have been for about a year. I went back to school for medical billing/coding but I just found out I failed my certification exam. I can take it again but what a letdown. It's hard for me to get a job because I have a mark on my background from 7 years ago. I just got denied a wonderful job in the medical industry because of this after being so close to getting it. I am, however, getting my record expunged, but that won't be for a few months. That is, IF I can get it expunged. If it turns out I can't, well, I don't really see any reason for going on.

2) I'm overweight. The only self-esteem I have is negative self-esteem. Most my self-worth is tied into either having a man and having a job.

3) I am married but my marriage isn't the best. It's been abusive in the past, has gotten better, but still at times continues to be a negative.

I would never commit suicide because of 2 reasons: 1) it would kill my mother to whom I'm very close, and 2) my religious beliefs are that one will go to hell if one commits suicide. So I go on, but not because I want to.

Honestly, I feel my life is truly ruined. No, I'm not just feeling sorry for myself. I literally feel the choices I have made in life have made it truly impossible to turn things around. I will be 40 this year and should be so much farther in life than I am. My health has made it impossible to have children, so that is something I don't have. My past has made it nearly impossible to work, and I don't see literally anything positive to go forward with.

I just don't know where to turn to make things better. Any suggestions?

- K

You are still young at forty. Try not to let things get you down. I hope that your marriage is going okay. Marriages are not perfect, but we should have more good days than bad. There are always going to be disagreements between two people no matter what. I just hope that he isn't abusive anymore. You are old enough not to tolerate that. So be watchful for it. You are a good person and deserve to be treated so.

I too am sorry about your school situation, I hope things work out. Keep trying. Are you still going? Even though you don't have a job, it is a job in itself to keep house, cook and wash clothes. That is important. Keep your chin up. And I agree, a trip to the doc is warrented.

Hugs, Karen