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Is my wife depressed or is it me? Can anything be done to save my marriage?

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Posted 2/15/2011 9:00 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Everyone,

I'm hoping for some advice and / or someone to say that they have been through a similar thing and tell me what happened.

Let me set the scene. I've been married 11 years now and have 2 young children. My wife gave up her career to look after the children and has been a great mom to them. I have to also say that during our marriage I have not been the most communicative person which I know is not good but I've always been loving, thoughtful and kind and we did have a close marriage with plenty of affection and respect. We have, however, from time to time argued about this communication so I can't say I've been perfect.

Anyway, about 2 years ago at the time when our youngest was just about to go to school (but maybe that is coincidental) I noticed a big change in my wife's moods. She was really low, very irritable, often flying into tempers at really minor things and very difficult to live with. I persuaded her that something was wrong and she went to see her doctor who diagnosed depression and put her onto Citalopram. At the same time we went to some couples counselling and things were so bad that I really sat up and changed my own attitude such that (and she agrees with this) we now communicate much better.

Her mood did improve a bit although never back to normal but anyway she has been slowly coming back off the meds and now has been fully off them for about a fortnight. One thing I should say is that she was only ever on a low dose and a friend of mine who is a psychiatric nurse is of the opinion that the dose was never enough. Anyway that is maybe not relevant because when is happening now is that she has reverted right back to being irritable, low and just not interested in anything that I do or say. She has also decided in her own mind that she never had depression, there was never anything wrong with her and that it was all the relationship that was making her low.

So here we are now and I'm really down about the future. I had seen the depression diagnosis as a reason for the problems and hoped that medication would lift her mood so we could work on the marriage and get it back on track. However, now she is treating me really badly. Of course there is no sex but that's kind of to be expected, what is so difficult is the complete lack of affection or even basic politeness which goes on day after day. Whenever we talk about the marriage now she makes out that we never had a single happy moment, that she married me because she was looking for what I was at the time but now she wants something different. However, I can remember happy times, sexy times, affectionate times, comfortable times etc. and I've got all the usual Valentine's cards, birthday cards etc saying how great I am and how happy she was.

This has been going on for almost 2 years and I'm now getting worn down by it. I really love my wife and if possible I want the marriage to work. We have 2 lovely children, a great house, friends, plenty of interests etc and I am worried about throwing all that away if she is going to come out of this depression and we can rekindle the marriage. But she's not taking the medication any more so will she get better? Or is it really the marriage that is making her like this and if so would we be better calling it quits?

I would really like to her from anyone who has been through something like this and can tell me how things worked out for them. Did you end up separating? Did your partner get back the loving feeling?

Posted 2/15/2011 4:36 PM (GMT 0)
It does sound like she needs to be on medications. Especially if she was doing better when on them. She may have needed an increase as we often do.

I hope that things get better for you. It sounds like you are trying really hard, and that will lead to success in your marriage. But when we are depressed, we often don't remember the happy things, only the sad.

Keep trying.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/15/2011 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
trotterlyon

I am so sorry to hear your wife has depression and I know how hard it can be to adjust and compensate for the issues that go with depression.

I am the one who has depression and I know it has been very difficult for my hubby but he is my rock even when it is just a little stone he is there for me.  I know how upset and frustrated he gets at times. 

Having a significant other that suffers from depression can be extremely difficult and this is especially true if the you have never experienced any type of depression.

In your situation this is where You should look back and remember why you chose this lady in the first place to share your life with ? What are her good qualities? What made you fall in love with her? She is not depressed all of the time is she? Doesn’t she still have most of those good qualities?

Although it's not always easy to do at times,  remember that you love this lady and anything less than caring and compassion isn't fair to her.

At the same time you need to take care of you and I am wondering if you have looked at any counseling for yourself ? I feel it is important to have some down time and please know it is ok to take time out for you.

Coming here and asking for help is a positive sign and it is obvious you want to do all you can to keep things together.

As difficult as this may seem, keep in mind that this is hopefully atemporary thing and that "roses will bloom again" between you two.

Remember,  in no way am I judging you............each person deals with their situation to the best of their ability.  My hubby and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary in June. 

Kindly,

Kitt
Posted 2/15/2011 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, trotterlyon.

I believe you are looking for replies related to saving your marriage. Nevertheless, I experienced a similar situation back in the 80's. [Dang, but doesn't that sound ancient]. Unfortunately, I can't say that mine turned out well since my wife and I ultimately divorced in 1987. Not long afterward, she and I suddenly became compatible. I won't say my ex is my best friend, but she isn't far from it, either. We speak frequently, asking for advice, looking for information, or simply shooting the breeze.

I share this with you only to say that even if things don't work out for you, separation or divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, especially when there are children.

Good Luck
Posted 2/16/2011 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
Hmm, I don't know a lot about marriage, but I admire your resolve to keep trying so hard despite the situation... I actually know what it's like to be pushing so hard to help someone you love who, at times, no longer seems to even give you any recognition... I don't know if the circumstances for what has happened to me are similar or not, but I respect you for not giving up on the marriage... If you truly love this woman, don't let anyone break your resolve... That's my thoughts on the situation...

Best wishes.
Posted 2/16/2011 8:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the kind replies. In fact over the last day my wife has not been quite so down although that's not saying much because before that she was so low she would hardly say a single word but at least maybe we are in an "up" cycle where we can hold a conversation.

However, there is still zero affection - by which I mean that if you were looking into our house and seeing her interact with me you would think that we had only recently met and were distant friends. This is not at all how it used to be - before she became depressed we were very affectionate with plenty of hugs etc. As I've never been depressed I find it very difficult to see how we can ever get from where we are now (like a friendly relationship) all the way back to husband and wife. It can't be something where she will jsut wake up one day and feel the warmth towards me again but then I don't see how it can happen slowly either.

Again, I would be really interested to hear if anyone has been through something similar where a depressed partner had lost emotional closeness. Did you ever get it back? Or is it going to be like this for a long time?

Thanks again.
Posted 2/16/2011 9:16 AM (GMT 0)
Oh well, maybe I spoke too soon about the mood improving. I'm afraid that it's bad news, we've just had a chat and it seems that my wife is adamant that she wants us to separate. I think this really is it this time. I had hoped that we could have more time to play it out and see if things could change but probably I was just hanging on to the last strings of hope. In her words I was "burying my head in the sand" and ignoring the inevitable.

I'm kind of resigned to it for my own sake - in fact in a selfish way it may be a relief. But it's such a shame for our children - they will be so shocked and confused, I predict plenty of tears for everyone over the next few months but with luck we will all come out OK in the end.
Posted 2/16/2011 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry to hear this. But maybe she needs this time to get to know herself better. I hope that you two can still be friends for the children's sake. Keep posting as we are here for you. I am sorry for what you are going through. That must of been a shocker. Please keep us posted.

Know that we all are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/17/2011 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
sometimes marriages go through low spots... not everything is depression... Sandi...
Posted 2/17/2011 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
REading your post almost brought tears to my eyes.  I sound like your wife and my husband who has the patience of a saint must be feeling like you are.  I have no advice to give you except you really opened my eyes to keep trying to find help for my problems and to keep working on my marriage because I know:

Nothing worth having is ever easy.  You have to get off your butt and do the work!

Good luck to you and your wife.

Gem

Posted 2/25/2011 7:29 PM (GMT 0)
I understand what you are going through completely. Except, I am the wife who feels similar to your wife. I am not sure I want to stay in my marriage any longer. I am the depressed one. Sure, there had to have been some good times. There is emotional abuse involved. It is a hard thing to go through for everyone, depression. No one comes out without being affected. But it is very hard for someone, who, has never had major depression, along with other ailments to possibly understand how it feels. It is a horrible thing to go through. I'm sorry to hear of the outcome. Maybe she needs some time to reflect, just like someone had said. I think a separation would do me a world of good. I'm just concerned for my daughter. It is hard on everyone.
Posted 2/25/2011 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hotmess,

I wanted to sneak in and welcome you to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am so happy that you have joined us.

Yes, depression is hard. And especially hard on couples. I hope that you get through it. Are you going to any type of counseling for support? Do not take the emotional abuse. To me it is unfair especially when we are suffering from depression. You are unsure of things enough as it is, then to have emotional abuse on top of it, wondering if you are crazy or what. I know how that feels.

You are a good person. You are going to be strong through this. And thank you for supporting other members. Keep posting. If you feel comfortable with it, post an introductory thread about yourself or any questions that you might have.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/25/2011 11:47 PM (GMT 0)
hi hotmess, welcome from me also. keep strong. with compassion. jamie
Posted 2/26/2011 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Trotterlyon,

 

I am truly sorry for all that you are going through. I also want to thank you for this post and your honesty. I suffer from depression and, although not married, I am in a relationship of four years and we have two beautiful boys together. You've given me insight, as well as some of the replies,  as to how my depression can effect my boyfriend. I know he loves me because he has stayed with me and put up with my low times, but our communication is sucky most of times, and so reading your post has just opened my eyes a little at what he may be going thru but can't communicate with me. For that I thank you.

 

I wish you all the best, and hope whatever the outcome, you find happiness again.

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