Alright well it's my day off today and yet again, I'm stuck in deep thought again. I'm so much better off when I'm busy working or something. Funny thing is I'm not happy when I'm at work, and I used to be happy when I was home. Now I get no pleasure in being home, I am just lost in deep thought all the time. I find it so hard to enjoy stuff.
I just finished watching Rocky Balboa and there were some really quotes from that movie. One of the quotes, which oddly enough wasn't one of the million inspiring ones, was one that stuck with me this time as I watched it. His friend Pauly who worked in a meat manufacturing facility told him that "You know when you said that if a man stays in one spot too long, that he becomes that place?" I think that's a big part of my current struggles, atleast regarding to work. I am doing great at work but I don't "FEEL" like I'm doing great. I had a sense of pride, a sense of self worth, a drive when I was working for my fathers business. In my current situation, I really don't have much of a drive. I'm a bank teller and yea I can move up and do loan servicing, or manager, or head teller, or whatever. But I never in my life thought I wanted to do any of that. I am not really even remotely interested in it. One thing that is keeping me focused on holding the job is that I just got their benefits package which is great. And considering all the therapy sessions I need, it's definetly MUCH needed. I feel like I've had my life, everything I believed in, wanted, dreamed of, stripped from me. I question what I'm doing there at work, on a daily basis. That's normally when I'll make a stuipd mistake on entering the wrong number in the computer, or forgetting to initial something, or something minor like that that just makes me look bad. I'm sure my manager/head teller probably wonders why I can't stop myself from doing these ridiculous errors. The truth is, and I can't tell them this. That I question what I'm doing there, why am I in a bank as a teller at 25 years old? What happened? Where do I go from here and how do I get out of here asap? How can I get a sense of my self pride/worth back?
Well this post wasn't right after watching the rocky movie, I went to the gym afterwards and got a workout in. I gotta tell you, I always thought every guy who hopped on the eliptical machine was a lil femanine because it looks a lil questionable.....but I decided to try it out today because I heard it was a good workout. darn was everyone right, that thing completely destroyed my legs lol. Anyways, that's one of the things I'm trying to do to restore some feelings of pride in myself. I'm trying to get back into shape but even when I'm at the gym I struggle with my confidence levels. I look in the mirror and I see a depressed man staring back at me. I see a depressed guy with nowhere else to go or do on a saturday afternoon besides workout to try and help his depression/anxiety levels. I see a guy who is dealing with dizzy spells/confusion/mood swings from coming off the zoloft that I just stopped taking a week ago.
I just wonder sometimes if it's ever going to be alright. I'm so done with taking medications, they never did a darn thing. And as bad as I feel now, it's about as good as I've felt in the last 2 years as well. Because even though I might be lost in thought, depressed, quiet, atleast I feel GOOD about me for fighting through this naturally and trying to actively better myself. I just would dig myself such a deeper hole when I would sit home and pop a zoloft and a xanax and zone out to tv for hours. That's not the life I dreamed of as a little kid. That's not the life I dream of now.
One particular area that I think a lot about lately is relationships. I think about how is it that I'm single at 25 and have never had a girlfriend. I think about how I got rejected 2-3 times in high school by girls that I was crazy about, and then a good one (which I had a hard time with for the last year accepting the fact that she's engaged now, even though I dont even talk to her. How crazy is that?) was sooo into me for 3-4 years after high school and I was just friends with her. I'd tell myself it wasn't real, that she didn't feel that way. It eventually got to the point where her friend had to come up to me and literally tell me how big of an idiot I was being. I take her out one night as part of a double date (one of my good friends and hers have been dating since forever so it made it more comfortable), and it was an absolute disaster. My walls that I've put up over the years feel like they're almost impenetrable. I have such intimacy issues I don't even know where to start. I don't like being touched, I don't like talking about my feelings, especially those towards the opposite sex (maybe because I got shut down and took it to heart too much when I was younger?). No idea why, but the walls don't come down for anybody ever. I just spend a lot of the time during the day thinking that I'll most likely just wind up a old grumpy lonely man.