Mike619er New thread... (the life and times of) lol...

I hope that you like this Mike.  This is your thread to write all the things on it that you are struggling with and the good things that you want to share too.  Your other threads are getting pushed to back pages and we can keep this one towards the top of the first page.  So everybody can see it. 

Lately you have been dealing with not being able to focus at the task at hand.  And your mind has been drifting to other thoughts and worries.  I want to know if you would talk to your pdoc about that tomorrow and see what he/she recommends.  I myself had to take medication for that.  I know that you don't want to take meds.  But you were thinking about taking xanax at one point, or was that somebody else?  Now I can't remember.  lol... 

You have thought about meditation some.  Let them know that.  And don't forget to write a list of all that you want to discuss.  As it is so easy to forget about some of the things that you want to talk about.

Mike I am going to let you take it from here.  I hope that you like this thread.  Keep your chin up and take one step at a time. 

Remember

Yesterday is history,

tomorrow but a mystery.

Today is a gift.

That is why it is called the "present".

Hugs, Karen

Thanks for the thread Karen, and I like the name lol. Don't worry about posting on the thread Jamie I have no problem with ya man, you're awesome :). I'm in a good mood right now, just got back from talking for an hour with my therapist who has reminded me yet again, that I'm not nuts. He did say that I have some anger issues that I need to resolve though, and that I definetly had/have PTSD. I told him just about everything, dating back to my insecurities about my jaw when I was younger, how I had an open bite and would let that stop me from getting involved in relationships, from public speaking, from social situations, from pictures/videos. I told him about the surgery I had to correct it that had my jaw wired shut for 3-4 months in which I shut myself away from all family and friends because I didn't want them to see me like that. I told him about right after my surgery how I got mugged and had my wallet/phone/keys stolen from me, and that i was choked unconscoius and left in the street to die there. Told him about how after that I went to an orthodontist who was supposed to correct my slight bite problem that i have now with invisalign, because even after the surgery it wasn't perfect and I figured if I spent that much money I want this darn thing to be done right....turns out after I paid him he filed for bankruptcy and I lost out on my money and the service.

He wanted to know what happened when I checked myself into the hospital a year and a half ago when I was having the bad panic attacks. I told him I was so unhappy working with my fathers business and that I felt like I was stuck there. I tried going back to school full time and taking 15 credits at night while working 50-60 hours a week with my father to try and make things move along as fast as possible. That's when during class I slipped into a severe depression/panic attack (mind starting racing with SOOOO many depressive thoughts) and that's when the downfall happened. The downfall that I am still trying to work myself out from. He kept asking me today well where were you then? I didn't really have a good answer for that. I just told him that before my emotional downfall that I didn't doubt my thoughts/ambitions/drive at all. I just did them, and lived! Now I question everything Id o,e verything that happens to me, I'm a nervous/depressed mess sometimes.

He told me my problem is partly PTSD and it's partly my expectations of myself. It kind of makes sense, because he was explaining how impossible it would be for anyone to take 50-60 hours of work a week and then take 15 credits of college on top of that. I probably overworked myself and that's what happened to me, on top of me at that point STILL trying to have a social life and going out with friends. I agree with that now, but it's still so hard for me to come to grips with who I am now. He assured me that I'm still th same guy, to stop pressing so hard. To just let life come to me and just try and relax. It's easy advice, and it would honestly work....if I could do it. I struggle to relax, I'm so hell bent on fighting back. I'm so focused and determined to come back swinging.

Aw well, for the time being I'll just try and take it one day at a time. Today's saturday and I'm done with work, going to try and relax on the bed and watch a movie until I go out later with some friends. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Well I am definetly starting to realize that I'm changing so much.  I don't necessarily know if it's for the good or the bad though.  As I've mentioned in other posts I used to work for my fathers business for a long time and felt VERY attached to the job.  I honestly still was for a long time even after switching jobs, I kept thinking that I was always meant to work in the family business and that trying these different jobs in different fields was just me lying to myself.  I guess that's me labeling myself based upon my work, something that I shouldn't do I guess.  Anyway, during the week my father asked me if I'd want to work for him this sunday in the shop with him and my uncle to help them out with a busy order.  I really didn't want to, but I reluctantly said yes.  Last night I went out with a few friends and had a few too many drinks and wind up staying out until 3 am.  I slept in and didn't go to work to help my father out, i felt terrible about it today, and still do now.  I still can't really bring myself to coming out of my room and facing him to talk about it.  I think he knows why, and I definetly know why.  I've realized today, I don't want to work there anymore.  Not even 1 day.  I have made some strides in showing myself that I am able to perform any job and am doing pretty decent in my current position at the bank.  I think I really would like to keep giving this a shot and see exactly where it takes me in my career.

I know it's bad that I didn't show up and had to back out of work though, but I'm trying to look at it on the positive side.  For awhile in the last year/2 years I would just do whatever anybody told me.  I didn't feel like I was making my own decisions.  Although still to a degree I feel that way, I'm beginning to regain some of my decision making slowly but surely.  One feeling I'm having now too, the longer that I stay out o fthe family business, is the decrease in my feelings of guilt.  I felt like when I left that I was letting them down and causing them to have to work more, felt likeI was lying to myself in trying to pursue something else.  I had soo much guilt that I was walkin around with, and that was probably compounded by the depression too as well.  But the longer I stay away from the business (although they do work on my property where my house is so it's kind of hard to totally avoid it lol), the better I feel.  I do believe that that is a trigger for me.  During my talk with my therapist we were talking about my triggers, and how to start trying to identify them.  I believe that is definetly one of my triggers, and I can't allow myself to go back to work there not even for a day.  I know it'd be nice to help out my family and believe me I'd really genuinely like to, but I don't want to set myself back.  You work there one day and then all the guilt starts to kick in, all the memories start coming back, you get sucked into the false promises that iniitially made me work there and that kept me there for 3-4 years.

I do get a little upset though that I have this much resentment towards my family business.  It makes it hard to live at home sometimes, especially a day like today where now I can't even be around my father at all in the house.  It's not jus tme though, my older brother worked for them for like 2 years until he decided to go back for his doctorette upstate in albany and now works and lives in philadelphia.  He had a lot of the same feelings I have, so I'm glad that it's not just me being so pessemistic.  I really do believe a lot of my triggers and problems would be solved by moving out and getting my own place one day.  Maybe that can be a goal of mine for the next year or two to work towards.  The only fear about that idea is I get pretty lonely/depressed as it is now.  I could only imagine how it could get if I was on my own.

Thanks Karen, I used to be a very strong person at one time. I used to really enjoy my alone time a lot, now it's very rough on me. Although even being around others lately is rough on me so it's just a challenge no matter what I seem to be doing. I refuse to let myself give in and call out of work or let it affect my work. That's the one thing holding everything together. If I wasn't busy with work I don't know how bad I'd be. Just wanted to run a few things by you guys and see if maybe you have some tips for me on them.

Weird thoughts, been having them a little more lately. When I say weird thoughts I'm mostly takling about when Im alone and just relaxing or zoning out on a long car ride...my mind will wander. And I'll think about potential conversations or events that could happen in the upcoming weekend/plans. I run through the conversations in my head and it almost feels as if I'm having the conversation with myself lol. I don't talk out loud or anything, but it's driving me nuts that I keep doing this kind of stuff.

Decision making problems. I absolutely hate my car that I drive everyday now. I drive a 2006 cobalt which wouldn't be that bad if it wasn't a real base model. It's white too and I am not really into white cars. I bought it because I was just looking to save money when I downgraded from my dodge charger to the cobalt because I knew I was going to be having financial problems leaving my last job at the family business (cold cuts/meats/cheese manufacturer and distributing company). So the 150 a month I pay now for the cobalt was so much better then the 350 I was paying for my charger. But anyways, I have been going car shopping the last 2 days because I'm looking to get a truck so I can drive on the beach here and go fishing when the weather gets nicer. The hardest part is, I struggle so bad with making up my mind lately and it's really showing itself in this situation. I am sitting there in the chair at the dealership and literally changing my mind 100x while Im sitting there, making it almost ridiculously impossible to try and negotiate the price of the car down because my mood went from wanting the truck, to wanting to just get out of there, to wanting to get another type of truck, to going to buy a waverunner instead and keeping my current car. These stupid impulses don't stop, I jump around from 1 idea to another.

Another example of that would be how Ibought the book Feeling Good and started reading that to help myself and got about halfway through and then decided to read the bible instead (idk why i did this) to try and build up my faith. Had a panic attack about reading religious material so I stopped and now I'm trying to once again study for the series 7 test that I'd love to eventually take by the end of this year. It's just really hard though because I'm constantly changing my mind and can't make a decision of which way I want to go with any decisions. So frustrating.

Anyone else deal with these problems and would like to shed some light on them? Maybe they have some tips that I can use to try and atleast use to limit how badly I feel about myself for having these problems?

One last part before the end of this looooong post lol. I've been limiting how much I go out with my friends down to once a week. I've told them in the past that I couldn't drink on the antidepressents I was on. I briefly talked about it awhile ago because its really uncomfortable to talk about it with my friends. Anyway, now that I'm off the meds I limit myself to one night out to have casual drinks. With one particular friend it's not sitting well though, I get these ridiculous txt messages when I decide tos tay in for the night instead of going out to drink calling me a panzy (thats the clean version) and all sorts of crap. He's always used these stupid tactics to make me feel guilty and to get me to come out and hang out with the guys. Lately with me coming off the meds I've been really moody and angry at times. When i got this txt message sunday night because i decided to stay in bc I had work monday, I became furious. I nearly called him up and cursed him out and thought about just ending the friendship right there. Now I'm calmed down a lil bit and decided to try and think about it. It's just that I'm starting to feel like maybe people like that who pressure me into that stuff and try to use those ridiculous guilt trips are adding to my stress/depression levels. Maybe I'm better off without them in my life. But I feel bad because its been a friend since high school and he probably just has always done that (which he has) and doesn't think it really bothers me. Which it never really did before all these anxiety/depression problems, now it gets me ridiculously pissed off.

You can take abilify and not taking an antidepressent? I don't want to go on any AD's anymore I really am against them. They just make me totally spaced out/numb/don't care about a thing. And yea I definetly need to work on letting the guilt not really get to me, I'm not going to jump to conclusions and ruin any friendships over that just yet but things definetly need to change though. I'm a grown man I don't need to hear that childish stuff anymore if I'm making a decision to stay home because I have work early as opposed to going out and drinking.

And yes the job is the one thing that is stable in my life, and it is definetly something that I'm not planning on leaving. It's what is honestly keeping me sane I feel like lol.

The doctor said that the racing thoughts/decision making is just part of the anxiety/depression that I'm dealing with but he said that he really believes I can do alright off the medication. I really do hope he's right. He wanted to see me once every week but it's just too expensive to do that for me, I agreed to see him once every 2 weeks for now so hopefully that works out. And yea the book does go over the feelings of guilt and I've picked up on a few tips and ways of looking at things to try and reverse the negative thoughts. The hardest part though Karen is that when I talk to myself (in my head, never out loud cause i feel like a crazy person if I do that lol) it just doesn't feel like me. Like if someone criticized me in the past or makes me feel guilty I'd have those negative conversations with myself and normally want to get away and be alone for awhile or whatever. Now that I'm trying to spin it into a positive thought, it just doesn't feel quite right. That normal?

Oh don't get me wrong Karen I do do it, but I try to keep it at a minimum. Its mostly out loud like "darn that was stupid" or "im an idiot" or if i get cut off by a driver something like "jesus christ get a clue" or something like that. I make a lot of nervous sounds though haha. Pretty weird I know but its just a nervous tick, cant stop saying certain phrases too they're like my catch phrases and I dont even know i say them

Hangin in here and battling as best I can. I honestly am doing ok for the most part besides feeling totally not in control. Funny thing is that I don't do anything out of normal. I just weird out to everything I'm doing though. I'm in a bank now, not working with the family anymore. I'm getting 1/2 hour 1 hour long lunch breaks, I'm waking up later everyday and coming home at 4-5 o clock everyday instead of waking up at 5-6 am and working until 12 or 1 pm. I have to go to all these company meetings now and do all this corporate stuff. It feels so weird. I constantly keep questioning why I am doing things. I am wondering why I am at this bank right and why I'm not off doing something else. Nothing really in particular, have had thoughts of going back to my fathers business, have had thoughts of branching out into a brokerage firm, have had thoughts of getting into a union. I know nothing is going to work though, it's me. It's not the job, it's not anything, it's me. I just feel out of it and awkward. Tryin hard to snap out of this and I put up with all the strange/illogical thoughts everyday and for the most part I can put em on the backburner. It's getting a little frustrating though.

One problem I'm constantly coming across is that I'm not looking foward to anything. I'm shopping for a new truck right now because I do want to get rid of the car I have now. But usually I am so excited about getting a new vehicle, now I don't have that same desire/feeling. I feel emotionless about a lot of stuff, and I seem to never look foward to do anything lately. Going to a basketball this weekend with my friends and I keep forgetting that I'm even doing that. It's rough and annoying. I'm just a blank empty dude walkin around. And I felt the same exact way when I was on meds, nothing has changed or gotten worse. Just getting tired of it.

Thanks Karen, I know that everyone thinks I'm doing well and in all honesty I guess I am. I'm trying to do everything I possibly can to be healthy n happy and be in a decent mood. But what does it all mean, what does everything I do mean if I don't feel content or satisfied with what I'm doing? I'm not quitting and refuse to give into this crap, but honestly I struggle every day, better yet almost every hour with who the hell I am anymore and where my life is going. I seem to just be an impossible person to cheer up or someone who is impossible to get excited about anything. I see people and hear them talking about looking foward to things, showing excitement. There's honestly not one thing that I am genuinely excited about in the near or far future. I want things for myself, I want a better job and to get in a relationship and to feel better and to be able to just let go and relax again. It's so rough though, I'm so caught up in me all the time. And when I try to start getting involved and caught up in someone elses issues/probs to try and get my mind off of myself, it lasts for only about 4-5 minutes before my mind tunes them out and starts thinking about me again. What's with that

I've had enough of this. On the meds nothing works, off the meds nothing works. I don't wanna do crap. I don't wanna do a darn thing, I don't want to go anywhere, see anybody, nothing. I struggle to gather the strength to just go to work on most days, last night I had my friends all calling me to do something and I didn't even answer them. I don't want to dissapoint them but I don't feel anything. I'm sooooooo numb, absolutely numb. I've put on the show for a year and a half, I've done all everyone and myself have asked from me. Keep pressin on, keep doing the things that used to make you happy. Keep doing it and it will come back.

I'm here to say it's utter and complete bullcrap. All of it. Nothing interests me, nothing entertains me, I don't give a darn about anything. No I'm not getting the dark thoughts again, but I just don't want to be bothered anymore. I'm so tired of fighting and trying to prove to myself that I am something, that I'm worth it. I'm sitting here crying now writing because I realize how pathetic and depressing this is. But I am in this spot now, I just don't care. You can only force yourself to care and act like you're interesteda nd happy for so long. You put on the show and put on the show and put on the show until boom, u no longer care. Welcome to my world, the world where pretty much anything can go on and I'm completely oblivious and have no opinion about. Sleep is absolutely impossible to come by without taking some advil pm's and even then I get about 5-6 hours in.

I wake up this morning and come downstairs and my parents are all asking me all these questions to get me to talk. I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk it out. Everyone says talk it out. Talk is done. I've talked about EVERYTHING that has ever bothered me in my whole life. So now not only do I KNOW for a fact that talking didn't work, now everyone knows just how big of a pathetic pile of a crap I am that I'm a guy who can't even deal with his own demons. His own self destructive self doubting htoughts that he can't run from. I tried running, working out, lifting, being around friends, working, reading, listening to music, playing games, even tried going back to college last year in an effort to completely distract myself.

NONE OF IT WORKS.

This is me I guess, I'm fed up I really and truly am. Going to a basketball game tonight with some friends that I bought tickets for, and my boss was nice enough to give me off tomorrow so I plan on just drinking a lot tonight and trying to find some peace and pleasure in that somehow. God knows I can't find any of that in anything I do lately. Nothing but doubt, guilt, helplessness. These years are supposed to be the best of my life, supposed to be becoming independent and loving life. Yea, so much for that

Mike,

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be...that's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.

There are times when people disappoint you and let you down, but those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of.

There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them. We can only give you support and sharing, it is up to you to decide what you want to try to get back on track.

I wish you luck,

Kitt

That is what this forum is all about. Posting our feelings. That is good for us alone, then to get feedback, that makes it even better. Know that it is okay to get angry too. Though I don't think you were out of line or anything like that. You were just putting your feelings down.

You are right, we will face hard times all of our lives, but it gets easier with practice. Eventually you can foresee these things coming and then it is like "prevention is the best cure". You can ward things off so to speak.

I hope that the sun is shining where you are today.

Hugs, Karen

Mike~Sorry it felt like it got out of hand. Sometimes it is hard conversing and give advice/just listening when you are not with the other person reading their body language/tone of voice. Sorry things are rough for you. Hang in there. You will adapt and no you are not a nut. That is my title and I am being kind to myself! :)

Nice 3doors I'll shoot you an invite when I get home from work later. Definetly gotta hit up some black ops.

I got another complaint or concern though for today haha. I've noticed, and even my parents have noticed (mostly my dad) that I have these impulses/ideas that change quickly. For example awhile back I was totally obsessed with the idea of getting an RV trailer to take down to the beach here where I could hang out in the summer time with friends and have a good time, then that swung to the idea of saving up for a waverunner, then that went to the obsession of getting a truck instead so I can just drive that on the beach and fish and spend some time by the water that way. (Guess I'm really craving the beach lol). Then it started to become OCD type behavior with work. When working with my father I was soooo committed and driven, I was creating new products for his business (not new products in general lol, just stuff he never sold before...chicken burgers/breakfast sausage) and started opening up the business by getting new accounts by going on sales runs on the weekends. When I didn't get what I wanted I got extremely discouraged and went back to college to pursue my business degree which is where I had my anxiety/depression breakdown.

Anyway, these everchanging impulses are surfacing again. I wanted a job in the financial world in the worst way for awhile and when I first got the job at the bank I was looking foward to the advancement opportunity and everything. But the particular job I want within the bank I work at seems unattainable, they don't have that many financial advisors within the bank and they honestly have been there FOREVER. And who's to say that if they do retire that they won't hire someone from the outside as opposed to a 25 yr old kid who only has an associates? So here in lies my new dilemna which I change my mind daily on....

Go back to college to finish out my bachelors in business?
Go back to college to pursue a bachelors in computer engineering/programming (I know it's much different from business lol, but I've always thought I might enjoy this)
Suck it up and stop complaining and keep moving foward in the company where I'm at.

These ideas rattle my brain day and night, they consume a lot of my time. Even affect my production at work. For example, if I'm thinking about doing the computer programming then I start thinking that my job currently sucks, when I start thinking that I don't try to get as many leads as I could get, I dont actively try to open more checking/savings accounts, and all the other bonus/scorecard type stuff that they rate your productivity on in the bank.

It's a little frustrating that I always do this, because it's honestly been a trend for awhile. My family has always said that I'm just the knid of guy that is never happy with what he has, the kind of guy that always wants more. Always wanting what I don't got. I agree with that to an extent, but I'm pretty happy with some things I have now, I think that's a little extreme.

Anyway, if anyone can share some stories of their own personal experience where you were going through decisions like this that would help a lot. Having a tough time deciding where to go right now, if I do go back to school for computers for a bachelors it will be a 3-4 year process and won't graduate until I'm 30. I feel like that's kind of failing because I always envisioned that I would have my life together and on track by the time I was 30. If I stick out this job and continue to hate it, I'll probably become one of those guys who always says "I wish I would have tried something else, I wonder whatwould have happened". Seems like anyway I go, my doubt and overanayzing will probably haunt me for awhile. That's my normal way of thinking and it's so hard to break.