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Low Point: Still Solo

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Depression
How Important is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is Extremely Important for Healing - 33.3% - 4 votes
Forgiveness is Really Not Important - 8.3% - 1 votes
Forgiveness is Good, But You Should Never Forget - 16.7% - 2 votes
Forgiveness is the Key to Progress - 8.3% - 1 votes
Forgiveness has No Bearing on the Hurt I Feel - 0.0% - 0 votes
Everyone Should Learn to Forgive, Forget and Move Forward - 33.3% - 4 votes
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Posted 4/3/2011 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I thought I would drop in and write a little. I'm just at a very low point tonight, don't a have anyone to talk to and yes, it's lonely. Some of you remember me from posts that I had here for a few months since last year. Well, if you've been looking for them I asked that they be removed. I felt that I could pick up pace and begin moving forward, well I have with a few emotional bumps along the way -but just today it's seems as if I'm having a relapse emotionally. At the moment I'm feeling low and depressed. Today my old home church buried a very dear person that was dear to me, such an example of a righteous person to me and many as they expressed their heart during the homegoing celebration for our dear friend. She was exemplary in every way, wonderful mom, with a devoted husband and fantastic kids. My heart broke just thinking of how I've been far less than that, with a broken 1st marriage and tetter-totering 2nd one. I was picturing my own funeral today and what I saw in the future was not what I desired, it was sad to me. I never wanted experience what I have with the relationships I've gone through, and as some of you can attest from my previous postings (if you remember), I've approached healing well with transparency. I'm still hurting somewhat, my thoughts of the less-than desired events I have gone through with relationships weighs heavy with me tonight. I'm feeling today that my parents are disheartened with how things have turned out for me, and I know they would have wished that things were different for me also, although they may not be expressing it. I'm trying to just go on, and I know this is just one evening out of the many that I've come through so far without looking back. I'm not at that church because I feel that people are displeased with me also, although I'm not sure. Yet it's troubling to me, but there's nothing I can do to change what I've gone through...so I understand the best I can do is just to hopefully make better days in front of me. This is such a trip for the mind, but believe me...I'm really trying to go on. It's hard.
I've been in counseling (still), with my spouse although we've been separated for several months now. She still doesn't seem to want to communicate on her own with me to say that she's concerned or wants to be together. So, I don't know. But when I begin to think about the things that I disliked and were regressive in the relationship, I get troubled because I don't want things to go back to "business as usual"...hoping she'll have a different frame of mind is what I'm looking for. I don't know that she will try to change, and as for the kids, I really don't know. The daughter, I don't know where her thoughts are and if she's really changed since the miscarriage. Hopefully she's at a different place in her life. All I wanted to do ...anyway. I won't go into that again, here.
I just felt like posting here tonight...I felt it would help to get things off of my mind. Maybe someone has something encouraging to say. I hope. I could use a really big hug, someone to hold and talk to tonight. I seem to have so few friends, wanting to make sure I have the right friends...yet it's hard to find good friends. I think I drove away a really sweet HW friend here a few months ago, and I'm sorry. I feel that I've hurt her too, I must confess to my HW friends here. If you're reading this friend (and you know who you are), I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you in any way, I just want to live the kind of life that is with right thinking and motives. Thanks for your encouragement during those many weeks and months, I needed that more than I felt I did.
I have not pursued any other relationship because I still honor the piece of relationship I still have by a string with my spouse although we are separated...besides so much of my life is being watched by many that know me here. It's hard, but I can't live my life for anyone but myself and God. Although that wasn't the message that I read today at our dear friends funeral. From the type of life that she lived and with all the many people she touched, it just told me that "people are watching you life" even when you think they are not. And yes, if any of us have any type of dignity, you do want genuine things t be said about you in your funeral, and the life you lived before people will all come to a head when the casket rolls you in before those who knew. Everyone wants something good to be said about them, but if you live an exemplary life, you have nothing to fear and no anticipation of embarrassing things being whispered or being said to further make people remember you in a negative way. When I saw my own life, I didn't see the good things that people would say. When I began to think of this I became depressed, although I tried to hold it in. I went shopping tonight, and as i was walking through the mall I saw so many people happy, with family, or friends it was lonely. I wanted to cry right in the mall as I walked, then I just wanted to stop a nice looking female and just ask her "would you mind talking to me?" But of course I knew that I couldn't. Anyway, I just wanted to spill my thoughts out here on HW.

-TY
Posted 4/3/2011 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Youngmil,

It is nice to see you post here again. It seems you are at a standstill right now. I think when we are healing, that can happen. Then we do a lot of reflecting on our lives.

I would say, once you are in that casket, you wont care so much about what people say about you. But we are dealing with the now. Are you thinking about getting back together with your wife? Has she changed? I am so afraid that it will be the same way that it was and you will be very disappointed.

I answered your poll. I think that the best thing is to forgive. But that doesn't mean you necessarily have to get back together. But forgiveness lightens your own heart. So try.

I hope that posting here has helped you. Know that we will always be around for you. Keep moving forward. I think you are judging yourself far too hard. But that is just my opinion.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/3/2011 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
hugs!
Posted 4/3/2011 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
actually. I've felt the same way about wanting to walk up to people in the street and ask them to help me. I remember sitting for about an hour and a half on a bench in a park nearby and feeling numb, with a heavy pain in my chest. I had to leave my house; I was afraid of being alone there. It was like I couldn't feel anything apart from bad things. I really did feel that this was it. People walked by and had no idea what I was going through. There was a lady with a baby and I just wanted to walk up to her and tell her how appalling I felt. Anyway, I didn't.

But once I was crying on the bus. I cry a lot on public transport for some reason. It never waits until I'm home alone! It always has to start at rush hour on the train! *shakes fist*. But this lady turned to me and gave me a big hug and tissues. God bless her, wherever she is.
Posted 4/4/2011 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen, it's comforting to see your response and hear your words of kindness. You're right after life has passed that's another whole issue, I understand...I must live today. I'm learning to walk in faith each day and dispel the negative aspects that fear tries to bring into the picture, it's difficult at times but I believe things will get better.

I'm not sure if the wife has changed, what I want to see is her heart open up but I'm not sure. For me it's easy to be open, I just have to know that she still feels something for me, that she loves me...is that too much to ask? For me, I do forgive her and she's not a terrible person, she can be very resistant, stubborn and I don't want to force her or become frustrated that she doesn't answer as I hope she would...I just want to be tender-hearted. But you know, that's a risk, it's a risk for anyone who has been bruised deeply to open up and allow yourself to open back up without knowing the outcome --trusting the other person.

I'm feeling better at this moment... just today I gained some new friends, friends who know my folks but are just getting to know me. And out of it we all went to dinner mid-day and for two of my dearest friends I bought their dinner. I was so grateful to do this for two very deserving people who have touched my life and trust me. Sorry...I'm tearing up right now --
Posted 4/4/2011 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Codename Wallaby, your kind words are appreciated ---thanks for the hug. I can identify with you about trying to keep the tears back on the bus, it's so weird for me...I wish I understood why that happens to me. I kind of felt that way after dinner today, but I didn't...it's like Karen says --I think I'm pretty hard on myself but I want to be thought of well, not for the mistakes in my life. The one comfort I have is knowing that God must think allot of me to allow me to still be here.
Posted 4/4/2011 7:44 AM (GMT 0)
keep strong. and good to see you back. i say forgive. with compassion, jamie
Posted 4/4/2011 11:07 AM (GMT 0)
Life can be so hard at times. I love it when we all come together for somebody. We can help eachother through things. This makes me smile.

Youngmil, you will get through this with our help. Stay strong and compassionate. You are a good person, know that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/4/2011 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
hey man i have missed you. why did you stop coming on yahoo. please if you get this come on later, i do need to talk to you as a lot has happened. i am still your friend and was worried about you. you do not need to worry about what people think of you as im sure people still think good things about you. you have a personality that shines even to where i live from where you live and it demands respect. im sure more people respect you more than you realize and what you are seeing is your guilt, although you should have no guilt. trust me i have been there recently. please come back and talk to me i have missed you my dear loving sweet friend.
Posted 4/5/2011 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hey WG, nice to hear from you...thanks for the kind comments. I just felt you'd never speak to me again, but glad you're smile shines through. Hope all has been ok for you. Stay strong.
Posted 4/5/2011 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
i would never stop talking to you. was missing you and thought i offended you
Posted 4/18/2011 4:50 AM (GMT 0)
Feeling down, definitely lonely a little. Just thinking about things, how much my life is so topsy turvey, away from my family (mom & dad, sibling)...
For the past few weeks I've been assisting friends of mine of whom I thought, no respect for me because of all the relationship drama I've been through. I was pleasantly surprised after I asked my friend G what he and his wife thought of me? He was surprised that I would ask him, but he only commented genuinely and said he thought about what I asked and was surprised that I would ask him something like that. I was really shocked to hear differently. I shared with him that I was separated from the spouse, he understood. However, I just felt like crawling into a hole today and hiding. Early morning didn't go as well as I had expected, but I made it through emotionally. I'm just feeling empty, up as usual. I want to be successful at something in life, I just feel like trash because both my relationships have been ruined and I just can't seem to trust anymore. I don't want to be controlled if I were to get back into my relationship. Just thinking of it depresses me. Relationship on a personal level are so touchy...I don't understand sometimes. After all I've been through I don't know if I have the courage to trust another relationship with a woman. I feel I have to protect myself or I'll have nothing.
Do you know since I've been on my own I've been able to save my finances, clean up my taxes and my credit? It's been amazing. Now I'm working on two major projects personally, but it just feels so lonely sometimes. Doesn't seem like I'm getting anything done fast enough. Anyway I'm trying to take courage and not worry about things so much. I
Posted 4/18/2011 6:50 AM (GMT 0)
your on the right path ty. sorry that your feeling down. some things just take more time. i am taking time for me, just living in the here and now. i fully understand the topsy turvy too!! keep strong and know that we are here for you. beleive in you i (we) do. one day at a time. jamie
Posted 4/18/2011 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
Just popping in pretty much to say hello. I am having trouble navigating around the forum again. Can't seem to get the back button to work. It did this the other day. Keep pushing on Youngmil. I am glad that you talked to your friend. I am sorry about the lonliness. I think that will go away. You are going to meet people and make new friends I am sure of that. I think you are an aproachable person and that people like you. I hope that this finds your day going better. Keep posting when you feel like it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/19/2011 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Young Mil. I too understand the loneliness that you feel. For me this past week in particular it has been all consuming. I guess we just need to stick our feet deep into the mud and hang in there. Somehow, we will make it through.

Yes, forgiveness is important. I have been told that for over 20 years by a few therapists. Forgiveness and forgetting together are even better. I however have also always struggled with that.

But through my reading here on Healing Well and in particular, mainly the Bipolar Forum (I do not have this, I have major depression but I have such respect for these individuals for all the suffering and hard work they have done), I found another term that I can embrace and live with. It is called "Acceptance."

We honestly only have control over our own selves, our own personal and life choices. Learning to "accept" that there are things we can change and things we can't have brought a huge measure of peace into my life. And I credit Happy Bill for that. We will always have problems, doubts, confusion, etc. but for me learning not to fight against it has saved some strength to focus it where I can hopefully make a better difference. ...I hope this is something that you might consider too.

Cass
Posted 4/22/2011 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Cass, thank you for the thoughful words...you're right we've got to hang in there. I'm feeling better, not like last week. And forgiveness is the best thing to do in a lot of instances, it's healing power commands a different strength within us that beats any medical bandaid.

Forgiveness can be a struggle too, but it releases us from guilt, beating ourselves up and holding others hostage in our minds.

I like what you stated and the interaction that Happy Bill shared with you also, it's true --we only have control over ourselves and the rest that's out of our hands to control should not be our concern. I've learning not to struggle with things that I can't control and I'm finding that I have a lot more peace and confidence. Since I've been on my own (separated), I've healed a lot and regained confidence in the areas I was really feeling downtrodden with. I'm finding less time to complain about what my spouse has done and focusing more on the future.

Your words are very encouraging...thanks!

TY
Posted 4/22/2011 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
good good, jamie. keep hanging in there.
Posted 5/13/2011 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone, just feeling a little down this evening. Just having someone to talk to is kind of tugging at me, but I'm yet faithful although not with the spouse. There are days when different people call me, then there are days like this evening when I desire to have a female to talk to. Guess I'm getting too old now, I don't feel handsome, seems like no girls are really looking at me. Sometimes I just don't care. When I go to workout there are so many gorgeous ladies, but I just think to myself "Ty, keep your focus...nobody's interested." Besides I'm still not divorced...teeth are getting bad, I just feel I've lost so much time, I'm 17lbs overweight, borderline Diabetic now, and just kind of depressed. Trying to keep my focus. I've been separated now for over 9 months. Spouse and I are still in counseling trying to come to an area of agreement, it's a long road, I'm not sure, but maybe.

I think I pissed off my friend WG, I don't think she cares to speak with me anymore...guess I don't blame her. Anyway a bit of good news, my manuscript finally came back from my copy editor this week after 3 years...I feel like it's worthless now, but I'm pressing forward anyway to get my ISBN, Bar Code and Copyrights established.

Just want to feel a little love...

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I'm going back to read earlier comments when I posted earlier here last month, it's nice to hear such kind words. Maybe I just need to hang out here a little more often like I used to. Thoughts anyone? Not having a pity-party, just down.

eyes confused sad

Post Edited (youngmil) : 5/12/2011 9:52:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/14/2011 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
no ty you didnt piss me off. we are friends and we may not always agree with each other. if you would just ask me i would tell you instead of assuming that im not gonna speak with you. if i was upset with you i would have told you, have i lied to you before.
Posted 5/14/2011 12:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Younglmil,

Hope that you are feeling well. You can never tell what life is going to throw your way. Be patient. You will meet somebody for companionship I am sure, take care my friend. Kind of early and my hands aren't working well. Arthritis I guess.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/15/2011 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks WG, I appreciate your kindness.
Posted 5/19/2011 3:25 AM (GMT 0)
Ok everyone...this is a status update on my situation.

I'm still in counseling with my spouse and yesterday and her attitude was totally different. I was surprised, but not moved totally but this is a sign of improvement. She's actually voicing that she never gave up (i guess that's to say that I did). Honestly, I had given up. I thought to give this a fair chance by going to counseling to hear what she had to say, and so that she could hear what I had to say. In my heart I'm still not totally convinced that I should move any quicker to reconcile, I've been through too much and the wounds as it relates to relationships are deep. Maybe not as deep as someone else who may have been through multiple relationships with women --married or single, but people should be treated with respect and not like kleenex tissue. (Just my thoughts: I love a woman who has a genuine personality, not plastic, not superficial, open without harboring "oh I have something to tell you" secrets deep into the relationship).

So we will start communicating more frequently, she wants to know where I am with the relationship, but there are some serious questions that I still have for her, and I'm not sure if she'll be open or withhold being open again. I'm sorry, but at my age now and with all of the things that I haven't been able to move forward with while waiting on the other person to be in agreement with, I've wasted a lot of time. I've tried being considerate, a gentleman and all of the things that are natural for men to do for the woman they care about, I'm just taking my time. Trust me, I didn't rush into this relationship, and I'm not rushing to get back into it --there were over three years of dating before getting married, and I took on the baggage of a couple of kids that were not mine biologically, only for things to blow up as of last year. That was all I could take. Separating was a wise move for both of us, but now is a different decision.

I'm not sure who else she's been talking to to arrive at the place she's at now, and it seems as if she wants to listen so I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure, so I'll leave it up to the communicating and a few occasions of going out to talk to listen carefully and arrive at a conclusion. I know it's been a long time now, but I just want to make absolutely sure that this is what I ready to give a second chance to.
Posted 5/19/2011 12:09 PM (GMT 0)
I wish that you wouldn't look at the kids like excess baggage. They are a part of her life. And they are human beings. I think that you didn't mean it the way that it come out. But you don't seem to love them as your own. I just wonder why. Is it the way that they act or something? I know that the daughter got pregnant. Did she have the baby yet? That is your grandchild. I hope that you treat it that way. With love and acceptance.

Hugs Karen...
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