Moody as always

Figured I'd check in, it's been a couple of days without any word from me and that's definetly not allowed to happen lol.

I've been hangin in there for the most part, just trying not to listen to that little voice in my head that keeps saying "I feel weird, I feel like I'm floating/watching myself".  My moods have been up and down, at times work can be great, at other times it drives me so nuts that I contemplate quitting.  As far as after work activities I really don't have many.  Once a week, tonight actually, I joined an exercise training program that my job sponsors so it's something to do and be social with I guess.  I find myself being grumpy during the majority of that too though lol.

I visited with my therapist last night, and he made a comment that really irritated me.  I didn't let him know it at the time, but I thought about walking out whenhesaid it.  I have an appointment with him next thursday and I'm going to hash out his arrogant ass comment when I walk in, or maybe thinking of just giving up on this guy because of it.

In my therapy sessions I was venting and talking about my feelings about working with my family business, about growing up in my family, etc.  Then came the question that he asked me about why am I so against medicine for depression?  And I told him that I just can't accept the fact that I'm weak and have to depend on these drugs from the age of 25 until the rest of my life, I look at it as if I failed.  This arrogant SOB says "That sounds like something an ignorant italian immigrant would say".  I then replied "Thats what my family is, especially my grandparents" and he says "I know that's why I said it".  At the time I was pretty angry about it, but I guess in the middle of me wanting to feel better I conitnued to still ask for tips or try and talk about other stuff to figure out what is triggering my problems.  Needless to say, the rest of the session went to crap.

Now after the session, I keep thinking of what he said to me.  And it makes me madder and madder everytime I think of it.  I look at it like this, the arrogance of this guy....to sit there and call my family ignorant immigrants?  To blame my family for all of my confidence issues/etc?  I seriously get myself so mad that I want to go back there and tear this guys office apart.  Imagine if I had said to him that he comes from a family of ignorant immigrant people and thank god you got out of their business or else you would have wound up just like them.   Drives me nuts how he or anybody thinks that they can talk to somebody like that.  I know my anger problems and I know I hold grudges, I honestly don't know how I'm going to about this conversation with him because I tendto stay angry.  If I bring it up at the start of the session I'm probably just going to continue to have an attitude the entire time.  I think that just speaks volumes to what kind of dickhead the guy really is, atleast in my opinion.

Thanks Karen, I really do have to learn how to calm down a lot. Anyone else deal with these ridiculous angry mood swings with tehir depression?

Yea, and thats what the therapist keeps saying to me too. Not the mood stabilizer, but just referring to medicine. I really don't want to though, I feel like if I'm doing "ok" and holding my job and keeping things somewhat together off the meds now, I should be able to eventually get back to a place where I'lll be alright totally off the meds. I don't want to go back on them and feel like I NEED them again :(

Let me run this weird theory by you guys and let me know what you think. I just feel like a lot of my problems lately are about my independence/financial/work situation. That's basically where a LOT of my frustration comes in. Before I knew I had anxiety/depression problems, I was fueding with my father over getting a raise there because I was doing a LOT of extra work and felt like I wasn't being reimbursed for it. It wasn't just me who thought that though. My uncle who works there and another employee who's been there 10-12 years both vouched for me and said that I was doing way more then what I was getting paid to for the company. When I didn't get that raise I got frustrated and went back to school to try and finish my bachelors and pursue a career in financial adivising (something I've always had an interest in).

That didn't work, fell into a severe depression/anxiety attack during a class one night in college and really feel as if I never bounced back out of it. I worked with the family business for a bit after that still, and the last two jobs that I have had have beem completely different. They're totally centered around being low guy on the totem pole, customer care type jobs, with a very high amount of supervisory. I feel like these types of jobs, I struggle with. Even though I was frustrated at my family business job, it was more frustration over....money. I actually enjoyed for the most part, the work. Feeling as if I don't have freedom and I am so closely monitored and corrected all the time, frustrates me to no end. With all of these mystery surverys and mystery shops and inside company reviews on how I'm doing. I know that's how a lot of corporations work, but do they really realize how it makes their employees feel? Like crap, that's how.

I feel as if I'm just not a HUGE people person. I care and feel for people who have problems and all, but I don't really want to deal with people who come in the store and complain and whine and make a huge deal over something tha they are completely in the wrong about. Or I don't want to get degraded and feel as if customers are trying to make me feel like an idiot just so that they can get their way. I hate these types of situations, and these are the situations that I get put into at these two last jobs.

This is why I'm thinknig of giong back to school this fall and going for computer programming, a completely different career field in which I really have absolutely zero experience. I'm already 25 yrs old and feel liek I should have thought of this a lot earlier maybe....getting hte feeling it could be kind of late to make a move like this. Maybe I just have a skewed view of exactly what a computer programmer does? But I feel like that's a job that I would excel at. I'm pretty good with computers, I know just the basics now but I'm sure I'll pick up all the stuff from the classes. I'm good at just working on my own, figuring out problems, working on projects. That's what I picture that kind of job to be. It might sound like I'm really antisocial, maybe I am. But I'm just a guy who really likes his privacy I guess and likes to be able to work without being hassled. It rattles me and upsets me, angers me, and nothing good comes out of my work when I get like that.

Any thoughts on these issues would be great. It's honestly a huge decision I'm having to make very soon. Whether or not to pursue this career within the bank I'm in now, and continuously deal with the same problems and issues that drive me crazy, or perhaps find some sort of job somewhere else which isn't as strict or demand as much perfection as a bank teller (never had a job that demanded such perfection).