feeling really down

Hello, 'this' is very new to me (the whole writting and sharing thing) but i have suffered with depression for many years on and off medication and i know i am my own worst enemy when it comes to taking it as i start and stop it, a self destructive control, i know i'm depressed and need help but i feel such a failer for having to pop these pills every day and i've stopped taking them again and guess what..yep 14hrs of crying and a boyfriend not knowing what the hell to to, i know i need to speak but there is a physical block in my throat, i hear him speaking to me and want to talk, the words are there in my head going round and round but i can't even open my mouth let alone form words and sentances. I am in such a bad place right now and i don't know how to fix it, my meds work, they make me feel great but they don't fix the problem, they just put it in a box and i'm still always awhere it is there and the huge issue is i dont know what the problem is its just this mass with no definition or reason to it, sometimes its small and tidy and at arms reach but other times it engulfs me with feelings of such sadness and dispair, it suffercates me. I feel so sad and worthless and useless and like i'm not really loved i don't know if i am or not, but i just feel like i should pick myself up and stop being so stupid and dramatice i can't talk to anyone because i really don't think they will understand, i don't understand it myself i don't really know why i'm here? maybe someone at sometime has felt like this and can help to tell me how i can start to fix this? I have the issue at the moment that i don't know if stuff is my fault or is it the other person, are issues problems because i am ill or am i getting worse (and these episods are getting worse every time and more frequent) or because people really are taking the p and making me feel like this. I've just read this back and don't really know if it makes sense and my spelling is bad, sorry! I don't even really know what i'm asking or trying to say.