New here - His Depression Is Killing Our Marriage. Support Wanted Please.

Hi. I am brand new here, seeking help for my marriage.

This is rather hard to explain but I will do my best.

My husband of 20 yrs and I have always had a difficult marriage.

Everything always has been good as long as life is going well. As soon as we hit a speed bump in life, he goes blank. This has caused uncountable fights between us. I have always had to make all the decisions and choices about everything. I am now ashamed of the things I said to him during those fights.

about 3 months ago it finally hit me. I thought he had the early stage of Alzheimer. After going to see a Dr and then several specialist we now know that he has chronic severe depression. The Drs feel he has had this for many years.

Thankfully we got lucky with the right med right away - kind of.

And this is the issue that brings me here.

This may seem funny or non important to some people, but to me it is very important.

How do I know what is his depression and what is him just being a man

The med has majorly helped with his temper, but there is still many issues.
Examples, he won't do anything without me telling him to. I mean anything! Take the dog out, eat, get up, go to work. He won't even do fun things unless I tell him to, fishing, hunting, watch a movie.

He says his brain is a blur and that his brain is fried. He must tell me this 4 to 6 times a week.

Let me give you a step by step example. We rented a rug cleaner machine. I told him to take it back last Tuesday. I got really sick with a bug and have been mostly in bed since then. I come out to the dinning room tonight and there is the machine! I blow up. He passed this machine and had to step around it at least 50 times in the past few days. He says "my brain is fried".

OK so what is the depression and what is him just being a man?

He never pays me a complement. I mean I could put on a wedding gown and he would say nothing. I asked him why, he says "I don't notice anything any different my brain is fried".

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the general idea.

My friends complain about such behavior from their spouses. Maybe not to this degree. So how do I know what is depression that I just need to deal with and what is him just being a man that needs his wife to adjust his attitude?

Also his Dr looks to me to find out how he is doing. I am not sure as I don't know what is the depression.

Also since I am sick right now I want to ask another question. When I have any health issue he runs. I mean he RUNS!!! I had to have emergency surgery and he took me to the hospital and as soon as the Dr said I needed surgery, he left me. He came back three days later to pick me up!!
ANY medical issue I have he gets mean and nasty with me or acts like there is nothing wrong. Like he won't say how are you feeling or help me in any way.
Is this a typical action of a depressed person. Or is he being a jacka*s?


PS: I have a lot more questions about depression and marriage but will save those for another time.

Post Edited (Ira) : 4/22/2011 12:29:41 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Ia,

Welcome to the depression forum. If he keeps saying that his brain is fried, maybe it is. Maybe he isn't on the right meds, I would metntion that to the doc. Or get him a psychiatrist. I really hope that things work out in your marriage. Keep us posted.

Sorry this is short, I just woke up. Still getting the coffee in me. I will write more later.

Hugs, Karen

Yes he sees a Dr but the Dr always looks at me and says "so how is he really doing". All he tells Dr is he feels less intense inside.

Wow 2 yrs and here I am 20+ yrs now.

He bails on me for anything medical. Like I explained I have a bug right now and we hardly see each other - he hates anything medical with me and avoids me. I am OK with it as he is mean to me when I am sick.

I have wonder about if he is on the right meds. He takes ( crap I forgot the name too lazy to get up and look lol ) Ly 40 mg. something. Any ways it has stopped his rages. Thank God!!!!!!!!!

But that is all it has really helped with.

I just don't want him on more meds needlessly. Like if he is just being a "but" and we go to the Dr and tell him all these things going on I know the Dr will add more meds. Which if they help - good.
However if he is just being a bum but blaming the depression then not good.

I am confused so don't mind me if this does not make much sense.

I am very grateful to all of you for your help :)

Ira, you need to get well from the virus you have and go in to
see his doctor. Talk with him honestly about what's happening.
Things are going on that indicate you need to know more about
the real nature of his illness. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist,
but a general practitioner, you need to get in touch with a specialist.

It sounds as if something else is going on in your home besides depression. Rage? Do you really have that in your home, as well?
Is it possible that other kinds of drugs are involved--other than
prescription drugs given by the physician? You really need help in
your situation. Try to get it as soon as you are well.

I'm sorry to see this happening to you.

It's Genetic

Ira,

Are you getting any support for yourself, such as counseling? I think that this is very hard on you and that you could use the extra support and direction. I know that this has to be a handful for you. It isn't easy living around somebody like that. I use to have to deal with my mother's rage when I was a kid. Always walking on eggshells. It took a toll on me.

Do take care of you.

Hugs, Karen

You are a conscientious woman, Ira, and you can find out whether
he's being pretentious with you. In a way, I tend to doubt it, but
you do need to learn if that's so. And you need to be seeing the
doctor alone so that you can open your heart to the doctor and learn what the real truth is. (Interestingly, when the doctor asks for your
opinion on how he is, he might be suspecting that the man is playing a little game. But who knows?)

Make it a point in your life to find out; then make your decisions.

We're all here to support you not to try to put you down. I can see
your genuine need to get to the bottom of it all. You will, believe us.

Have a nice Easter, too, Ira, and get some good quiet rest from all
these worries you have carried for so many years.

It's Genetic

Thank You Both SO very much!!!!!!! I did a lot of thinking since my last post.
In between my last post and this one there were 2 "events" here at home that led to him yelling & swearing at me.

The last event ended with him yelling Don't you get it I am just a ignorant bast**d. He was being smart. BUT it made me really think. Hmmmmmm? Maybe he really is.
Then I came here and read the question of do I ever remember when he was not like this.
Not counting the honey moon of dating lol No. I can't say I walked into this blind. He was always like this. Just not to this degree and not as often. As time goes on it does seem to get worse. I do acknowledge that a part of that may very well be my own tolerance for it is getting less ;)


As I see it I have two main choices.

1. I can keep fighting to make him and us ( as a couple ) okay which leads to numerous daily battles to different degrees.
Makes me feel unwanted, insecure, angry, hurt and very alone.

or

2. I can live in this marriage the way I know he can live relatively well.
I would need to tell him to do just about everything in a non "itchy" way.
I would need to carry a lot of the home, cars, etc chores on my own.
I would need to re create a life at least part time that is separate from him.
I would need to help him build a life doing things I know he enjoys, but won't do with out my help.

He loves to hunt, fish, walk in the woods. But unless I say why don't you plan to go fishing on Tuesday after work - he won't ( can't?) do it.
If I do suggest it, I have to follow up with did you get your rods ready, did you buy bait and make sure all is done so he can go fishing. Then he will do everything for himself and go and have a great time and talk about it for days.

I have done both 1. and 2. before over the years.
What has happened is. A. I get tired of doing 2. all the time - being responsible for another adult is very tiring.

B. When I do number 1. I feel torn apart mentally and physically and then I suffer depression to a much lower degree but none the less.
So 1. well that does not work too well - go figure

2. I would need to have a support system for myself to go to when I am tired and in need of some TLC myself.

This is the first time I have reached out for help for myself, so it is a now concept for me.

I am sure some are wondering why I stay. It's that old saying. When it ( our marriage ) is good, it is very very good. lol He does not cheat, he has never raised a finger to me, he does not drink, do drugs, has the same morals and values as me. He does take his job serious and works well there. In spite of all my complaining about him he does have a lot of good traits.
IF I make sure our life is being taken care of for him.

If they can't increase the dose (and it might come to having to do that for your sanity) maybe there is a better med??? I don't know. I guess it all depends on how much you love him and how much you have to sacrifice of yourself. This can be exhausting for you. In my first marriage I had to do a lot for my husband. But he worked and I diidn't. But it was like I had to remind him of a lot of things and make sure he had everything ready for fishing or hunting, plus cook food for him to eat while out enjoying himself. Not that fishing and hunting aren't work, but a person has to enjoy it to want to do it, right? Now I can barely take care of me. But my first husband died in 2000 due to lung cancer. But our agreement was that he woulld support and I would take care him. So I am not saying it is bad to take care of him, but the way he talks to you isn't good. Eventually you will lose your self esteem. Counseling though this would help you to be stronger if that is what you feel you need. It would help you to sort this out also. It has helped me through a lot of crisis type situations. But mostly I learned to take life one day at a time. That really helps. You are thinking a lot trying to figure this out and that can get stressful on you. Make sure you do good things for yourself as you posted. Self nurturing is good. That is one of the first things to go when times are hard.

I hope that you sort things out. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen

The posts, ideas, support here is MUCH appreciated :)

Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate it :)

I am feeling better today in all ways. I feel like I have some options now.

I am starting to wonder if the Lexapro ( sp? ) is enough for him.
I am seeing new behaviors that just are not him. ie. talking with his mouth full of food - he never would had done that before, He has always had great manners. Just a few things like that.
These changes also make me wonder if it is "just" depression....

He won't see a psy so has only been under the care of a MD who "tricked" him into agreeing to the med he is on. At the hint of suggestion there is something else wrong with him - he flips!!! So I have been grateful for this much, but as time goes on I am thinking there is something else there that needs treatment.

For the time being I have decided to do option 2. that I wrote about in my other post ( above ). I will need to find/create a good support system for myself though, as I know it won't be long and I will find myself going down hill.

He has a dr appt coming up in the next 2 weeks - I need to really think about a way to get him to agree to a re feral to a psy. The MD will gladly give it - it is just getting him to agree to go.

I think I can get him there with some BS line about our insurance rules and stuff. BUT then when/if they tell him you have xyz issues that is when it will turn ugly.

How do they do that? Do they just come out and tell the patient "you have bipolar" or what ever they have?

I've found that with the right medication, healthy foods and exercise my brother's depression is a lot better.  It takes a balance of all three to really manage the depression and have many more good days than not so good days.   The thing that turned it around for him was a book called Full-A Life without Dieting by Dr. Michael Snyder.  I just went on line to purchase it for my sister and found that Amazon has a great deal on it. Here's a link: http://www.thefullbook.com/amazonpromotion.html   (the offers only good for one more day 4/23/2011)

I wish you the best!