depression....its really hard to deal with

ok so im new to this thing, but i dont really have any one in my life i can talk to about this, except my dad but he also has depression.
So here goes, well it all started when i was about 12, (im now 18) my mother constantly beat me up, throwing me in to walls, choking me, slapping me, punching, kicking etcc it was going on since i was just a little girl (as early as 5). She was forever telling me i was worthless, wished i was never born, she hated me etcc. I had a horrible life with her and my other family members. i was never wanted around, everyone hated me, but there was no reasoning behind it. eventually when i was 15 she kicked me out of the house, with no where to go i walked to my best friends house, but her mother having 6 kids of her own could not allow me to stay there. I went into foster care (child protection) for 8 months, while they searched for my biological father, whom i had not seen since the age of 5. anyway i eventually found him and moved in with him, but upon this i discovered he sufferes from depression also. My life has been a constant struggle just to get through the day, my dad loves me unconditionally and i am so greatfull i have him, but 2 people in the same house with depression is realy hard to cope with. we are constantly fighting, arguing, getting frustrated with one another and over all its just extremely hard. I cant really tell him to much because he is stressed out enough with work, bills, money etcc. I go to counselling once a week, and am on medication, but i have my ups and downs. I try to be happy for my dad, but i cant hide the emotions im feelling. Im always crying nearly every day, i feel as if everything is my fault, i have no friends or boyfriend because of my high anxiety and feelings of anti socialness. my life with dad is heaps better but i cant help but feel sad everyday. i have no life i stay home 24/7 have had 3 jobs in the last year and quit due to my anxiety and i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel lost and stuck in this rut that i cant get out of. i dont even want to go out of the house anymore. ive tried everything, counselling, going for walks excercise trying to get motivated but nothing really helps. I wander if these feeelings will ever go away? or am i gonna feel like this for the rest of my life?

Hi Justme-Are you still in school or planing to go to college? You can speak to a counselor at the unemployment center to see what skills you have and get some direction. But first you need to see your Dr. and let them know how you're feeling and your Dr. should be able to help you. Sometimes when you don't know where you're going in life can cause lots of stress and depression. Take care and put yourself first. Sara

thanks for the support guys it means alot :) and Backpain Sara i am not in school my mother made me leave when i was in grade 9. since then i have been working at retail jobs to help make money for me and my dad, we are broke and on benefits. I hope one day to become a chef and own my own business. but for now it seems like a long way away. I leave jobs alot because i cant handle the anxiety that comes with it. I stutter and mix up my words when i have high anxiety and my co workers must think im an idiot. I have been to the doctor and he prescribed me zoloft but i am taking aleva (generic brand of zoloft) so far they are helping with my depression but not with the anxiety. i see a counsellor once a week, but its hard to take anything positive away from the sessions because im uncomfortable and cant open up. My dad doesnt take any medication but he goes to the counsellor once a week too. Ive suggested going on meds but he refuses. most of the time its great between us, but when its bad, its really bad. we yell at eachother he calls me names, and i end up being really hurt, more than him. I know he doesnt mean it, and i know he loves me, but when we fight it makes me wanna do bad things to myself. Often i walk away and go to my room to calm down. I guess the biggest problem for me is motivation and anxiety. Im not motivated to get a job, or go anywhere with my life and when i do my anxiety holds me back.

having depression is a difficult life. but it's all you got. you can't help but feel worthless, and other people just can't help but make it worse for you.
find a support group of other depression sufferers, then you'll feel less alone.
I've been fighting it since I was your age, I'm 37 now. I still deal with it but I have better coping skills, and I've found some things that take my mind off it.
For one thing I couldn't work a job no matter what. Couldn't take the disrespect that seems built in to the boss/employee model, it exacerbated my depression/low self-esteem too much and I'd quit to keep from having a nervous breakdown. So instead of becoming a disability bum I decided to start my own business and it's been absolutely great, exactly what I needed. Now I have a reason to get up in the morning, work hard and a responsibility that helps distract me from the "abyss of despair" that's always nearby.
Another thing, I only associate with people that understand and don't stress me out, upset me or otherwise make things worse. Some call me reclusive but hey, whatever works.
Another thing, I've seen a thousand girls with depression/low self esteem end up with some jerk of a boyfriend that orders tham around and treats them like garbage. Eventually they get pregnant and then the real problems begin. If you have a brain watch out for guys that prey on girls with low self-esteem. they will be all smother you with love one minute and yell at you the next. codependency will just multiply your griefs.
but anyway i wish you the best and feel free to contact me.

People tend to go to confidence like a magnet. If you aren't confident, it kind of shows. Learn to be more confident about yourself and you will find that you have more friends. And it doesn't matter what size you are. What is inside is what counts. It could be your age. Younger people tend to be more superfiscial. When you get older, you make your true friends. It is a growing process.

I hope that you are having a nice day.

Hugs, Karen