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Posted 5/8/2011 5:41 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not okay.
I was recently caught smoking, i have been smoking for over a year now, and yes. i know. its a bad habit. but when you've been a for over 2 years, you tend to reach for ANYTHING other then that to stop. and i did stop ..but i became a smoker along with that.
i am 17 years old
and now, my story begins.
i had gotten caught, for the 5th time. and see, i got grounded for one month. from my boyfriend. During this time, [I am grounded still currently, i am only 3 days in] I was told i was the reason for my mother smoking. I got upset over this..i do so much for her..i don't understand how im causing her this much trauma. but it gets worse. Later, the next day, I tell mom 'mom, you really don't need that beer.' and she scoffs and says this after taking a drink, 'with the kids i got today either starving themselves or themselves, i have a reason to want to drink more and more.' and that one really hurt..i mean. it's like me and my brother have become the main source of her pain. and like..i know im not..but then i think, 'well, what if i am?'
i know i smoke. but im 17 years old, and i think i should be old enough to choose for myself really. I'm 18 in just 6 months, so..i dont know..i dont think i know anything anymore. sometimes, i want to again. but i'm trying to hold back.
im a horrible to my mother so she says.
i am the cause of these things, as shes stated.
-her smoking.
-her drinking.
-her unit-9 check-ins
-her bad nerves
-etc.

im told that is mental abuse..i know i am being abused verbally for sure. what with her always critisizing me badly for my past happenings and such.
there is more to all my depression though.
i lost my father as well. my 4 half brothers on my fathers side hate me. they've gotten all my nephews and neices to hate me, [cuz my fathers sons are all married], and also..i didnt find out about my father until i was 13, it was hard. and im still finding out truth about him cuz i was lied to for many years...


im so close to a breakdown.. :'(
please help..
Posted 5/8/2011 6:15 AM (GMT 0)

honey,

What i would do in this situation is try to communicate better with her. Even if shes in a bad mood or is drinking, dont comment on that just be like "you look really pretty today mom, i love you." she might be surprized and hesitate to reply but im sure it means alot to her and when she says hurtful things like that, just go into ur room, suck it up for a little while and then later come back to her and say "can i please talk to you about something that hurt my feelings?" and dont be disrespectful just try to explain that you want her to try and express her anger in a different way because your feelings are getting hurt. She loves you, she is just stressed out and she doesnt know where she went wrong with raising her kids. Just continue to work on communication skills and you wont feel the need to cut or drink because you wont be hurting inside. i know thats why you do it but im telling you that that is not the right way to handle it because you are just going to continue to get yourself grounded. nono I am 15 years old and i know where you are coming from with all of this but just take my advice for now okay?

good luck, i hope i helped :-)

Posted 5/8/2011 6:19 AM (GMT 0)
i do not cut anymore.
i do everything i can for my mother.
i have tried to calmly talk to her.
she refuses to listen.
Posted 5/8/2011 6:20 AM (GMT 0)
have you tried family counseling?
Posted 5/8/2011 6:22 AM (GMT 0)
i do not think....that would go down very well..................
Posted 5/8/2011 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
why? they would be there to guide the conversation so she couldnt back out of talking and the conversation wouldnt get out of control. please just try it.
Posted 5/8/2011 6:44 AM (GMT 0)
its not what would go on during the couselling...its what goes on afterwards.....
Posted 5/8/2011 6:56 AM (GMT 0)
talk about what you are afraid is going to happen after counseling with the counselor and your mom.
Posted 5/8/2011 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
It is so hard at 17. I remember it well. I thought I was an adult, had the same problems with my mother. Very mentally abusive. Saying she wished she never had me. But my mother wasn't well. Your mom could be depressed, hence the drinking. But the drinking will only make her more depressed. So try to understand that. Do the best you can. Try to stop smoking because it is a deadly habit and will bite you in the end. I am 52 and have been smoking since I was 13. I have quit twice, but the longer you smoke, the harder it is to quit. I watched my first husband die of lung cancer. Not fun.

Know that we all care about you here. And I agree with the family counseling. Let the counselor know of your fears of your mother afterwards. Does she hit you? If not, it is juts words, I know they hurt. But I think she is hurting too. Try counseling. Let your mom know that you want it. If she wont go, go by yourself. I go all the time and it really helps with life's problems.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/8/2011 4:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hmm just read over all the comments and from what your saying it seems as though counselling isn't for your family it seems as though it would be difficult enough to set something like that up due to pride and the wall that i have judged is between you and your mother.

I studied psychology and so i know that addictive behaviour is inherently gentic, moreover people assume that smoking reduces levels of stress however in long term circumstances it dramatically increases stress and from what i can see there is many correlations within the problems that your mother has blamed you for. Personally i think she is being far to tough on you for blaming you for all her problems. Moreover stress is more likely going to cause other illnesses.

Your mother is trying to be a mother though i believe and feels she is failing you and herself if she has set up ground rules of no smoking for whatever personal reasons perhaps she is stressed as she feels you are not listening to her. However you are over the age of consent for smoking so to be honest it really is your decision to smoking but it is a bad habit and in this case it may be between a relationship with your mother or a white cigarette. I think you should tell her about how you feel about smoking and ask why this causes her stress..you may find she has deeper reasons as to why she is so against you smoking and want to respect her wishes more.

Sorry if i misinterpreted all of this but these are all ideas that first came to mind.
Posted 5/8/2011 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
i understand she is being a mother..and you are correct. counselling..is not for this family.
i just..my mother does not want me to grow up.
but i am growing up, and i just wish she would let me. my smoking, is as you said, now my decision not hers. but she continues to feel as though she is able to control my every move..and this mental abuse has been going on for nearly 4 years now...off and on...
Posted 5/8/2011 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
If you feel you are growing up and can make your own decisions, then why don't you get a job and get a place of your own so your mother can't tell you what to do. I think as long as you are living under her roof, you should follow her rules, maybe just be polite and not smoke around her. She is worried about your health. And I know you may be worried about hers. But there should be some form of respect on your part. You are a visiter in her house in my opinion. And she sees you doing something detramental to your health. Like I mentioned before, I watched my husband die of lung cancer and it wasn't a pretty sight.

But in reality, if you are old enough to make your decisions, you are old enough to get a job and get a place of your own where you only have you to answer to. Be good to your mom. It is mother's day for lands sake. Tell her that you love her. Make her proud of you and happy to be with you.

I am not saying that what she is doing is right either.  But she is your mom and does care about you.  People with addictions often blame others for it.  It is their excuse for their bad behavior.  But try to give her a break, she is probably doing the best that she can.  And make an example for your brother.  Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 5/8/2011 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
Tbh i dont feel like her telling you not to smoke is metal abuse, aness she is cursing at you/ mentally putting you down with names or physically hurting you. If anything she is trying to stop your own abuse..smoking (from her opinion) i imagin. She cares alot about you =( and doesnt want to watch you do something she perhaps see's as a mistake from her own childhood?.
If it were me id want to find out what happened with smoking that has effected her you may not even know a big part of her life, perhaps she has lost somebody to it. Im almost 20 and not everyone i know but alot of adults wish they could have their childhood back and that innocence. From what i can see its as though she probably swore to bring you up better than how she was ..maybe she had to grow up to early. As my own mother has always said 'your a long time being an adult and a short time being a child', you are legally past the limit thats law but by love, your mum probably doesnt want you getting into those types of things until she feels your more older. It seems more of an act of love than abuse..perhaps she is going about it the wrong way. That always happens with my parents its like they dont want me doing something i get REALLY annoyed at their control when i feel im adult now but then later on i realise its actually just them looking out for me in a cruel to be kind sorta way. I have a friend who was very religious growing up and her parents and she was told to stop dateing this guy ..over protective is what my friend felt at the time she basically hated them..but now?? she thanks them sooo much because it avoided underage sex and all sorts and he turned out not to be a decent guy anyhow! so..i bet if you dont yet feel the anger towards them is gone it will be in a couple years and youll be grateful your mum was trying to look out for your well being.. Its just another perspective really.

sorry really rambled on there but if you can take that as a metaphor to your own life.. it may help things with your mum.
Posted 5/8/2011 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum MagicalNut. I don't think I have welcomed you yet anyway. I am glad that you are posting, and giving advice. If you would like, please do start a thread to introduce yourself. We would all like to get to know you better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/9/2011 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
i dont know if she acts out in kindness.

she almost..rubs that information into my face.
i understand the smoking thing is out of love, but by telling me i caused her to smoke, drink and crap, is WRONG.
there are things my mother has done to me that i will never forgive...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/9/2011 7:25:34 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/9/2011 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
If you can't forgive you wont heal. That is one of the things that you have to learn to do to be happy. You might not like what she says and does. That is up to you. But for your sake, learn to forgive, even if you can't forget.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/9/2011 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
K-A,

There are a lot of relational pressures when are a  teenager.  Remember these years are difficult for lots of teenagers, because the hormones change .. that causes physical and emotional changes. 

Once your out of the teenage years you  get a job where you need  to learn to get out of your  comfort zone and become a team worker and communicate with others. Try practicing with your Mom now and work on communication. 

I am not sure where you are from but the legal smoking age in America is 18. If you are buying cigarettes (or another tobacco product) and you look young, the store clerk is required by law to ask you for proof of legal age. You should be prepared to provide identification.

Karen has a good point,  if you are already out of school and want to be on your own you could get a job and a place of your own. 

While you are living with your Mom and you feel the stress is to much for you,  learning to compromise may be the best way to go. 

I hope you can learn to live with each other in peace.

Kitt

Posted 5/10/2011 8:05 AM (GMT 0)
confused  Hey K-A (by the way cool name) my name is sue. i'm new to this forum also, and i too am verbally abused my mom everyday!Actually physically also since i was 5 and when i turned your age and had strength i put an end to that real quick. my mom is a recovering alcoholic. in the program for 17 years(after my dad died she got sober). I'm quit a bit older than you,but at any age being abused verbally or physically hurts deep.I recently came down with an auto immune disease and unfortunately had to leave nj and live with mom in cali. I smoke. really shouldn't wish i had never started and actually smoking more now than ever....... stress.....What i have learned to do when my gnarly mother starts up with me is......put her in time out. Which gives me my time without her.i tried counseling with her with a physcolgist but we had 4 sessions which i had to pay half of but did it willingly anything to try and get some answers to my abusive mothers behaivor. Didn't work, she said it was a waste of her money and she could teach the doctor. Well my dear, what you must do is try to not smoke, really is so bad for you, your so young.And if you could stop now that would be a beautiful thing. When your mom starts up with you blaming you for her f-ups. Leave the room. Don't fight, don't answer her back,, just remove yourself from her. If you can get out of the house, go to a safe haven, a good friend with an understanding parent. I know what it feels like. It's unbelievable that the one person who suppose to be your protector is doing the most damage to you. I've tried to understand my mom's gnarly personality. She's mad at herself, jealous of me and just can't get over her own hang ups. You didn't cause it so try and not take it to heart. What about at school, now counseling there????????? Try to reach out to your teachers or a nearby church or whatever your religion is. But don't take it out on yourself. Please try and ask for help. It's a shame what she is doing to you. Just try to remember she's in pain either mentally or physically. Stay out of her way and get the hell out of the house. Good luck, you seem like a smart

girl there are alot of help lines out there reach out get out and get help.hang in there and know your not alone. take care, susan(mazel tov)

Posted 5/10/2011 11:43 AM (GMT 0)
Susan, Another beautiful post. You are sso right. We have to ignore these people that want to bring us down. My mother was jealous of me too, and her mother could be jealous of her. That makes perfect sense. Why else would she be blaming her for everything. You put a new spin on the subject and that is bringing things to light. Best wishes for a great day.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/11/2011 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
sue..that was inspiring. you totally got what im feeling down pat. i had another bad day with her..but i did leave the room like you said, and went out for a 2 hour drive to cool down. unfortunately i have tried to quit smoking butright now i am just not ready to i guess...i will continue to try, but only when i feel the time is right, yah know?

i have many friends with understanding parents, i will continue to reach out to them. i for sure will be leaving very soon to pursue my own life i hope..best of wishes to you as well with your motherrr
Posted 5/11/2011 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
cool  hey girl thanx for letting me know what's up. Don't sweat the smoking you'll stop when your ready. so glad you took care of yourself and took off and did you today. Do you have a job or are you able to work?????What do you like to do???I've been pet sitting for some friends it's really cool cause at least i'm out, getting alot of love from the dogs and it makes me feel really good inside. I waitressed all my life. There's nothing like going into work broke and coming out with cash in my pocket. do you live near city life????i forgot how old you are. but there is so much you can do, never mind friends, school and reality tv. please try and stay well there's a program called alanon for teens. you can look it up on the net. maybe you can find a really good network of friends who are going thru the same stuff your dealing with. and what about siblings and father anybody around? stay well little one. you never know how much you maybe able to help someone else who is struggling with abuse or just feeling crapty. keep posting i can't tell you how much comfort i get from so many people around the world who really care to take time out of there life to help me. tongue i'm proud of you kiddo, keep on being strong.......sue
Posted 5/12/2011 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
i waitress too, haha, but nahh. i live in pure country my friend. as for my father, he passed away a long time ago. i was only 4 months and such...my siblings...i have 4 from my fathers side and one from my mothers. but like..the 4 on my dads side all hate me and as of why i have no idea quite yet, and my mothers side...we just..he doesnt really wanna get along with me. haha..
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