Been hiding

Hi all-

   So it has been awhile... I have been hiding it feels like a big dark hole has sucked me in and there isn't any way out. This is the first attempt to try to stop myself from shutting down. I can't ansrew my phone no matter who calls the thought of having to explain myself for what i don't understand scares me. Reaching out seems trivial because it feels like this state of mind is inevitable, so what if i have a good few days or weeks? People will start to think they can count on me again and i will fall down again and dissapoint them some more and give myself more reasons to feel guilty and ashamed. It just hurts so much to struggle like this.

   Was supposed to start pristiq after lowering my zoloft from 100mg to 50mg was supposed to see my doc 2 weeks ago. But just took my first pristiq today(50mg). I'm hiding from my doc too, how pathetic. Was supposed to find a counselor so i called but have yet to go get the new patient paperwork. It makes me axnious to go in with a baby on my hip what will they think?

    Taking this new med scares me what if i put all of these chemicals in my body and it doesn't even help. Been taking my xanax spareingly afraid to call in for a refill because... well i don't know why i take it like i am supposed to because taking too much freaks me out too.

    It feels like i am trying my very hardest but not going any where at all.

    Please help me understand what i can do i am drowning and am so tired. I miss being happy its getting so hard to remember things, i miss myself.

     Thankyou for reading.

          LulaMae

Lulamae,
"guilt and shame" you said, I understand where are at all to well.. I have shut myself off before and it led to a very dark place, a very dangerous place. Finally, because of having a child I got serious help..it took almost a year to find a med which I eventually take ability and a mood stabilizer and xanex...I can leave my house now, talk to people which I couldn't, and everyone says " she is back" the old Leslie we knew...that feels good, but it has been a lot of work, I never miss appts like I did, I just had to make myself..you sound like you are in the dark hole I was in which I eventually had to be hospitalized, that was my step, your step is coming here and this place has been such a blessing to me. Recently I went through another bout of not being able to leave house and the advice I got helped get me out again because people helped me understand why I was feeling that way. You should just start taking the medicine and if you have problems go to the doctor even if it's hard... Anything is better than beating yourself up, you do not deserve that..you deserve to be happy and healthy..and to be there for people that love you...

All my best
Will be thinking of you

Hi guys-
Thankyou so much for for your support it was silly to hide from ya'll too because this is a safe place.
Lasardo thankyou for your story and input and letting me know that everything will happen eventually and that it is ok that it hasn't because there is healing ahead. It sounds like we do have so much in common because my baby helped me understand that this isn't any way to live too and helped jumpstart change.
Getting by thanks for telling me pristiq is ok you are right i just need to go get help.
Jamie i will get my xanex filled from what you and getting by say a mood stabilizer just may be a big help. Thankyou for the hugs! Group hug for everyone you guys really lifted my spirits. Now if if i could just keep it up.
Everyday i wake up hopeing it isnt the same as yest maybe it will be brighter tommorow
Thanks again
Lots of grateful hugs
Lulamae

I take the abilify too. It really helps. It helps the pristiq work better and keeps me from thinking too much.

Best wishes my friend. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen