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Posted 5/27/2011 9:29 PM (GMT 0)

Hi i'm new on here and don't really know where to start.  Well I'm feeling really down at the moment and can't stop crying. I've known this guy for years and we've always been really close. In september 2010 he asked me if I would go out with him and I said yes, I was always at his place as I was looking after him as he had cancer. I did all his medication for him as his ex partner was messing them up, even though they had split up he stayed living in the house to be with his son, so anyway, are relationship began. In october just after his 2nd operation he asked me to marry him and I said yes and we started trying for children. things were great and i had never been so happy. Then in feb this year he became very ill and lost the use of one side. he got taken to hospital where i stayed by his side 24/7. We were told that the cancer had gone to his brain. He was sent home in march after we where told there was nothing they could do for him. I nursed him at home and cancer nurses came in every day to load up a medication pump so he had it going in 24/7. Sadly he lost his fight just 6 weeks ago and i was there to the very end with him holding his hand and playing his music to him.

I have been getting stomach cramps and sickness now since beggining of April, I'm still haveing bleeds each month but they are much lighter then they used to be and only for 3-4 days where they normally go for 6-7 days and negitive tests. i've been looking on the internet and read that women have been pregnant but still had bleeds and negitive tests. is this really possible and could i be pregnant? it would be lovely to have his child, as it would be something we did together. I know he wouldn't be here to see the child if i was but the child would know so much about its wonderful father.

Please help me i don't know which way i'm going and i miss him so much and cry almost non stop. 

Posted 5/27/2011 10:53 PM (GMT 0)
HI Leela1974,

Welcome to the healingwell depression forum. I am glad that you found us. I too lost my first husband to cancer and I too was there holding his hand when he passed, just as promised. So I know what you are going through. Are you going through any grief counseling? I highly recommend it. It will help you find that path that you want. If you are bleeding and your tests are negative, I am sorry to say but you most likely are not pregnant. Your periods could be off due to stress or the grief that you are going through. But if you are that would be wonderful if that is what you want.

Are you doing anything with your life at this time? Are you working or do you have any hobbies? It would be good for you to keep busy at this time. Keep your mind occupied.

Please do keep posting. We are here for you. I know that you are grieving, know that there are no rights or wrongs when it comes to grieving. And no time length that is considered normal. It is all in the individual. So if you need to let it out, please do so.

Hugs, Karen

PS My condolences for your loss...
Posted 5/29/2011 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
my deepest of condolences. therapy helps me, i feel it might you too. we are here for you. with healing compassion leela 1974. jamie.
Posted 5/30/2011 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys
someone is ment to be phoning me tomorrow about grief counseling so will see what they say.
I'm just finding it so hard and keep thinking (hoping) that he's going to walk through the door. I know this may sound silly but even when I saw the coffin at the funeral, I cried (couldn't stop even when reading something out) but couldn't believe it was my partner. I even went to see him in the coffin to say goodbye and I kept thinking he was going to sit up and tell me to stop crying and give me a big hug. i've lost interest in everthing at the moment. I work one afternoon a week and looking for more work, but even that one afternoon takes it out of me. All i do is cry. I try going for walks with and without my dog but everywhere I go reminds me of us going there or something that was said or done there and I start crying again. Every day I go into the room where my partner was and I can still hear his voice laughting around with me but then suddenly the cries of pain from him. Just don't know how i'm very going to get through this.
I've done 3 EOL (end of life) now in 19 months. An 11 year old girl who I worked looking after died in october 2009, then a lady I was good friends with died in May 2010, then my partner who was taken from me April 2011. It feels like i'm being punished but what for :'(
Posted 5/30/2011 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
I know that it is hard when you lose people close to you. But think of it as them going to a good place, and one day you will be there too. They would want you to go on with life and that is what you are going to do. In your time. Your grief counselor will help you with this and so will we. I think you will find that the days will start to get easier and you will think of him in a less lonely way. Hang on to all the good memories. Cherrish that time that you had together. Keep it close to your heart. You will get through this and we will help you. Along with your counselor.

Take care,

Keep posting as you feel like.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/30/2011 10:17 PM (GMT 0)

Welcome Leela,

First, let me tell you that you have come to the right place for support.  No matter what your situation is, someone here on the board can identify with you.  Grief is probably the strongest emotion, second only to love, so it affects every fiber of our being.  Your emotional upheaval could be responsible for the differences in your body's physical changes, but I think you would be well served to see your primary care physician for a blood test to completely rule out a pregnancy.  There's currently a popular TV series called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on the TLC/Discovery Network, which has stories every week about women having children with little or contraditory symptoms.  Since you were trying to get pregnant, the possibility does exist, and I think you really need to see a medical professional to definitely find out one way or the other.  If you aren't pregnant, it could be that you need some type of hormone therapy to even out your system.  Either way, it's something you can do to remove a little of the "limbo" state you are experiencing. 

Grief alone is enough to deal with, so any auxiliary issues you can resolve will only give you more time to focus on putting the pieces of your life back together and moving on to whatever the next phase of your life will be.  I wish you all the best and please let us know how you are doing.

Leigh Ann scool

Posted 5/31/2011 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
hi,
Thanks Karen for those words i'll try and remember that.
Cranky 1, thanks for your words too. I've tried to get my doctor to do a pregnacy blood test but they won't do one. they just say that if the water test was negitive then I can't be pregnant but I feel pregnant, last night i even saw my abdomen move and have no idea if I am or if something else made it happen like stress. Every time I talk to the doctor about it they just say its part of the griving. I don't know if i'm coming or going :(
I see my grief counser for the first time on friday morning.
Thanks for all your help so far.
Posted 6/1/2011 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you are seeing a grief counselor on Friday. I think it will help you a lot. We can wish for something so badly that it seems true. I wish for you that it was true though. I know that is what you would like to be happening. And I am sorry that the doctor said no.

Do keep us posted on how things are going for you. And let us know how the counseling goes. We are all thinking about you and wishing you well.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/1/2011 7:38 AM (GMT 0)
HEY LEELA,

I agree that grief counseling is the most important thing for you to pursue at this point.  GETTING BY is very correct that wishing something were true can sometimes seem true.  Your explanation that you thought you SAW your stomach move as a positive indication that you could be pregnant does sound more like wishful thinking.  If you said you FELT MOVEMENT in your stomach, it might be a little different.  What bothers me is the fact is that you are having some physical symptoms that are just being dismissed by your doctor as being caused by your extreme grief.  A doctor that refuses to do a simple blood test, if for no other reason than for a patient's peace of mind, is a doctor that I WOULD NOT want treating me.  If things continue to bother you, maybe a trip to your gynocologist would help you determine the root cause of your symptoms.  Just a thought. 

Good luck with your grief counseling.  Please let us know how it goes.

Leigh Ann scool

Posted 6/1/2011 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys i will let you know how it goes on friday. maybe i am wrong maybe its because WE BOTH wanted it so much and I really wanted to have his child. my daughter and his son was also hoping that i was as it would of made are unit compleat.

thanks all
Posted 6/1/2011 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Leela,

Please do let us know how it goes on Friday. Do you still have both your daughter and his son too? I think it would be nice if you focus on what you do have now. Especially for the children. They are really depending on you now even more than before. Just don't let it become stressful. You are a really good mom, and it sounds like you really love children. I hope that things work out for you. Take care, and keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/2/2011 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
hi guys

I'M SO SCAIRED RIGHT NOW!
I went to the doctor today as the pains in my side are so bad, she did a internal examaion and said she thinks i may have cysis on my ovary or bowel, so is sending me to the hospital to see someone and have bloods and scans done. The kids have been through enough lately and it not fair on them to go though this with me as well. to make things worse it the hospital were my partner was :'(
i really am scaired as to what is going to happen

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME :(
Posted 6/2/2011 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
HEY LEELA,

I'm so glad you decided to go and see another doctor.  We usually know when things are not normal with our bodies, and if a doctor isn't listening to us, we need to find someone that will.  I'm so glad you did.  As far as cysts on the ovaries go, yes, they can be incredibly pain full, but the good news is that they are fairly common, can be removed, and they are almost always benign.  Try to remain calm as you deal with this situation with your doctor, and the kids will take their cues from you.  If you don't seem like you are in a panic about the situation, they aren't likely to get upset either.  Just remember though, kids are incredibly resilient, the energy of youth is on their sides.

I'll keep you in my prayers, and please keep us updated on your status.

Leigh Ann scool

Posted 6/2/2011 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
Leela, I had an ovarian cyst that was the size of my uterus. The pain was terrible. It was removed in a simple operation and I had very little discomfort afterward. Get this done as soon as possible. You don't need this in your life right now.

You have my deepest sympathies for your loss.
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