How do I deal with this?

I have no support, no one to turn to. My father is bipolar and emotionally abusive. He's had to go to the ER for slashing his head with a lamp and has punched holes in the wall, and calls me names and insults me fairly frequently. He is medicated but you wouldn't know it. I'm under 18 and can't invite friends to my house because it looks like something out of Hoarders -- it's humiliating but has been like this for many years. My room isn't much better but I just gave up. Why maintain a jewel in the middle of mud? Everything is filthy, a window in back has one pane totally broken. Is there any way I can escape? Stop the abuse? The shame? My mother sides with her husband, my father, because he earns all of the money and she doesn't want to work. I'm closer to  every day. No friends, no loving family. Only education can distract from the pain. Please help. I stay in my room all day because there is nothing else to do that will not hurt, end up hurting, or bring back painful memories.

I'm making progress by going to college during my last two years of high school. I've always scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests and get decent grades while learning more about my chosen major. If only I could escape everything would be fine, but I have more than two years before I can (I'm a 15-year old girl).

Maybe it's all my fault -- I have retaliated in the past, no more; it only makes things worse -- but I have no way out. I didn't choose the bipolar or the seemingly obsessive-compulsive mother (what I think may be mild hoarding + other behavior) and now I can't get rid of any of the pain. Nothing will change.

Just writing this is a big step but I'm worried I'll be criticized by people here for having reacted physically and verbally in the past. Well, I tried, and that's all I can do. I don't want to defend myself to others, I'm too exhausted. My mother told me at age 10 that she wanted to kill me and would pin me down and spank me, and that's but one example that happened before I ever reacted. Maybe I've deserved all of it, I don't know. I've stopped responding now -- it's pointless. I'm sorry if any of this offended someone, especially someone who has bipolar disorder. I'm disgusted with him in particular and not others who are affected.

I feel guilty because there are those who are undergoing much worse pain than I am, but like I said, this is a big step for me. Thanks for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/14/2011 6:08:12 AM (GMT-6)

sending healing compassionate prayers your way. rosemary has given you wonderful wisdom. keep posting. jamie

Zewkeini,


My Mother and Father were the same way. I totally understand how you feel. Girl, there is something you can do about all this abuse and miscommunication. You came to the right place, but the other place you need to go is to Child Services. Honey, there's no easy way to say this, your parents need major help. How are they going to correct themselves if they don't know that what they are doing is horrible? My mother used to beat me, and literally make me bleed. She'd pull me by my hair, and drag me. It was horrible. After I talked to a school counsilor, she contacted DSS (Child Services) and they took it from there. I didn't get placed in a foster home, and my mother has been corrected. They are 100% trust worthy and they have helped my family tremendously. However, if you don't want to do that, then your going to have to find someone to talk to. As you have posted, you are very smart and deserve a loving, caring family that will encourage you to make good grades, and be a smart, beautiful young lady. Now, I'm not saying that you don't love your mother and father, because I know you do. Even though they make horrible desicisions it doesn't mean you stop loving them, or vice versa. I know, deep down some where that they love you. It's just right now, they don't know that what they are doing is wrong, and hurts you emotionally and physically. I am always here for you hunny because I know how it feels to not have friends because your parents can't control themselves. I know how it feels to be abused by your drugged up father. I've been threw it. But you know what I learned? I learned to never treat anyone the way my parents treated me. I have learned to be strong, independent, and brave because of my parents. I now, stand on my own 2 feet and I am proud to say that I have been threw hell. It made me stronger. You too, will learn your own life lessons, but what you do from now, until that point is your choice. It's your future, it can be beautiful and full of oppertunities if you just look out for yourself and be careful. Never make the same mistakes that they have made. If you want to talk sometime, inbox me and I will give you my number. Be safe and take care.
-Ashley