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tired of trying so hard to get nowhere

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Posted 6/16/2011 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, im jake, 21 yo. Ive had depression since my middle school years, both my parents have mental health issues as well. Ive tried so hard since the time i was 16 to help support my family of five. When i graduated high school i didnt go to college cause i didnt have a cosigner due to my brother using my grandma and ****ing that all up!! For almost a year i was the sole income, then my parents separated, this didnt really bother me so much, i knew it was coming. They didn't verbal or physically fight really just both were depressed and stopped functioning and communicating. Anyways i didnt stop being the sole income time my mother told me to move out, i could have a while ago but felt if i did i would have been abandoning my family. I got an apt and was able to afford a car payment while everyone else got to go live in the homeless shelter for various amounts of time. This really made me feel like crap, but anyway. Things were looking okay for me finally and i was able to exhale the first time in years. Now though im worse than before. I ended up putting in my two weeks because i had another job lined up and they told me to put it in. The company i put my two weeks into replaced me and 1/2 way through my resignation i called to make sure the new company was rdy for me when they informed me they made a mistake and couldn't employ me!!! As a result i am now jobless, ive been out of money and food for a week now, have no gas and my bills are due soon. Ive applied everywhere and continue to do so and follow up with apps ive filled out but for some reason havent got hired yet! My life sucks! Every time i get a minute when i feel good and things are working out something happens. It sucks hardcore and i am so mopey and depressed and i dont really talk, to anyone, ever! yes i know i should express my felling and all that bull ut fact is i dont want to. I feel like a complainer and who am i gonna talk to? my family? their in worse shape than i am or they were, but they still cant help me financially, and mentally they're just as bad as me if not worse! I just wish for once things would come easy for a min. I know life itself is not an easy thing but i dont think you should constantly be getting shat on. sad
Posted 6/16/2011 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
Okay, wow your going thru a lot...try going to a temp agency and getting hired on there,
they should be able to help...maybe see or look into unemployment, try to keep positive about
getting a job, you will get one and things will get better...maybe a church would be able to help
with food if you need it or shelter...other's will come by with better advice, so be patient till they come by.

everyone needs to vent, and this is a good place, come and tell us your worries...we'll listen even
if we can't offer up great advice...
well wishes to you we do care here...keep us posted as to how your doing...
Posted 6/16/2011 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jake,

It sounds like you are trying to be the sole provider for your family due to the depth of your caring and compassion. AND it sounds to me like you have provided for your family when no one else could. Do not feel guilty about not reaching the perfectionist goals you set for yourself. Do not feel guilty about realizing that you have to take care of you in order to provide for others. No man is an island. imho, you are going way beyond because you care so much for your family. Trust me, you can't and should not be the singular caretaker for your parents at this age etc. Your job right now is to find work that will sustain you. Taking care of you will only serve to make you stronger for others, including yourself. The stronger you are by taking care of you, the more you can have peace and solidity for other. Find the time to really appreciate, enjoy, and have fun with the world around you outside of your family. Find the time to appreciate who you are and what you give - it is a precious gift.
Posted 6/16/2011 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
HI Jake,

Can you get your old job back? I was just curious. I am really sorry that this has happened to you. I am sorry that you didn't get the other job. That stinks. Keep trying, and keep posting. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/19/2011 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Things are getting worse, im starting to shut down, and im not one to cry but thats all i managed to do today. My life sux so bad...  i dont know wat to do. i cant go to a doctor i cant afford it, i cant afford meds even if i could get a doctor to see me. communtiy services isnt able to get me in till the middle of next month. i jus dont feel like i can keep doing this. my lifes been so hard for so long i jus cant hack it anymore. today i went to eat with my dad, he told me he cant b proud of me no matter where we go. i know he was kiding but i thrive on peoples praise and i dont think he understands how bad it hurts to hear that, even as a joke. jus a lovely reminder of everytime he would get upset and tell us he wish he never got married, or had kids. My mom needs help and i cant do it. My aunts throwing a  fit cause i told her i caouldnt take her to work anymore, she cant afford to give me gas and my trannys goin out in my car. i still owe on it so i cant even trade it in. i feel like no matter how hard i try nothing ever works out. wheres god, wheres karma? i  saved some kid who was laying in a parking lot the other day, he was having a heart attack, shouldnt that earn me something! im drowning here, dont know how long i can keep up the false smiles and everythings fine statements.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/18/2011 8:32:43 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/19/2011 2:38 AM (GMT 0)
Congratulations for saving a kid in the parking lot.  You should feel good about that, and that is payment in itself.  Good things will come to you, it just isn't right away. 

Here is a link to a medical discout card that might help you out.

http://www.needymeds.org/drugcard/index.shtml

I don't know if it will help or not, but it might.  You can talk to your local mental health facility about going on a sliding scale and that will reduce your rates so that you can afford to go.  Life isn't easy by any means.  We have to be proactive with our mental health issues.  We have to learn to look out for ourselves.  As nobody else can.  They are helping themselves. 

You can't worry about your aunt.  She will have to make other arrangements.  That isn't your problem.  And try to forget the past issues with your dad, and just deal with what is at hand.  If you know he was joking, then forget about it.  Life is short.  Live it wisely.  Learn to laugh at things.  A little humor can go a long way.  Believe in yourself.  You need to do that.  I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/10/2011 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
Things are getting worse, im starting to shut down, and im not one to cry but thats all i managed to do today. My life sux so bad... i dont know wat to do. i cant go to a doctor i cant afford it, i cant afford meds even if i could get a doctor to see me. communtiy services isnt able to get me in till the middle of next month. i jus dont feel like i can keep doing this. my lifes been so hard for so long i jus cant hack it anymore. today i went to eat with my dad, he told me he cant b proud of me no matter where we go. i know he was kiding but i thrive on peoples praise and i dont think he understands how bad it hurts to hear that, even as a joke. jus a lovely reminder of everytime he would get upset and tell us he wish he never got married, or had kids. My mom needs help and i cant do it. My aunts throwing a fit cause i told her i caouldnt take her to work anymore, she cant afford to give me gas and my trannys goin out in my car. i still owe on it so i cant even trade it in. i feel like no matter how hard i try nothing ever works out. wheres god, wheres karma? i saved some kid who was laying in a parking lot the other day, he was having a heart attack, shouldnt that earn me something! im drowning here, dont know how long i can keep up the false smiles and everythings fine statements.

I am right where you were in 2007. It seems as though everything I try to do ends up turning out wrong. I'm beyond sick of dealing with the thinking "Well, I should probably expect that worst because that is what will happen." I've been going through this for going on 2 straight years now. It seems as though nothing much ever turns out right. I'm sick of hearing people say "You need to look on the bright side." What bright side? Every time I see a glimmer of hope or happiness something comes in to steal it from under me. Every day I wake up wondering "What next? What could possible go wrong today? Who is going to start garbage today?" It seems endless. I'm sick to death of getting up in the morning just waiting for someone to say something off the wall or for my car to break down or my idiot boss to once again sexually harass me. My life sucks right now. Period. I've not once ever felt this negative about life. It's a shame because I used to be so hopeful.....believing that everything would turn out right, but now.....I'm not so sure. It feels like I have a huge albatross around my neck.......and everyone & everything is clinging to it trying to pull me under water. I can't stand it. I just want to run away from this place & EVERYONE in it - start my life over - with completely new people - ones who aren't mentally ill, addicted to drugs, and or complete idiots.
Posted 7/10/2011 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
It does sound like you should try to look at life in a more positive manner. I do expect the worst. And when it doesn't happen, it is that much better. The good things that is. I don't think negatively. But I am prepared for it. And mostly I just let it go on by. I take life one day at a time. I don't wake up thinking about what might happen bad because bad things happen all the time. It is in how you handle it. It is up to you whether to let things bother you or not. If you do, it will drive you crazy. So try to be more optimistic. Life is short. Take it one day at a time, and go with the flow of things. That is the easiest way to travel.

Can you start your life over somewhere else? When the people around you are bringing you down, it is best to seperate yourself from them. Make new friends, and most of all, work on you. Get feeling better with or without help from a professional. Learn to meditate. It calms you and helps you through each day. Surround yourself with things that you enjoy. The kind of music you like. Write in a journal to keep track of how things are going and how you react to them. It really isn't life, it is how you live it. The power is within yourself to be happy.

Hugs, Karen
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