Good News/Still Feel Miserable

I've got the worst memory so I'm not even sure if I brought this up in a post last week maybe but on tuesday I had my appointment with my old psychiatrist.  He used to have me on cymbalta, zoloft, ativan, xanax, and sleeping pills back when I first went to him about a year or two ago.  As you guys know I stopped taking meds and began to try and do this on my own in February, it was a complete struggle but I don't think it was any better/worse then it was when I was on meds.

After our short session (was only a 15 minute session that he was able to squeeze me in for a quick appointment bc I felt I really needed it), he said he thought that based upon my actions and things that I've been doing that I'm doing better then I was before when I was seeing him and only gave me .25 mg of xanax for the meantime to help with the sleeping problems.

Here's my problem though, I hate the fact and struggle so badly with admitting that I have a mental problem and need medicines to be ok.  So when I'm in their offices I talk a lot about things that I'm doing that are positive, and don't really get too much into how weird/strange I feel at times.  Today is totally my fault though, I drank all day yesterday and later in the night while I was drunk I thought it would be a good idea to.  It was fun for the first hour but then I went into a full fledge anxiety/panic attack.  Waking up today I am just completely out of it all day, just sitting around and staring blankly around at things.  My mind is completely lost and just thinking of the weirdest crap.

What's with these weird thoughts?  They make me feel as if I'm really a psycho.  I think a lot about what is all of this for?  Everyone putting on a show and acting happy and dealing with all of life's challenges/obstacles/bs everyday.....for what?  I think about the fact that I'm 26 years old and haven't had a girlfriend, which makes me feel extremely insecure about myself.  I used to be full of energy and like to actually do things and be able to have conversations with friends/family and feel relaxed and confident.  I can't even tell you guys the last time I was able to do these things.  I still hang out with friends and with my family but it just doesn't feel the same anymore.  Nothing feels right, whenever I'm around anybody I get the feeling that they know how depressed/anxious I am.  That they know how vulnerable and how absolutely out there I am starting to become.

I always find myself comparing myself to others a lot as well.  Yesterday which was Fathers Day and also my birthday, we had some of my family over to celebrate.  Me my fathrer and my aunt were talking about her brother and law and how he is a really smart guy with computers and how he is just totally "socially inept" as they called it.  How he's on all these medicines and is just a very out there and strange person.  I hate judging people in that way, I guess partly because I feel like I am damaged goods too.  I feel like that's my future, like I'm just going to continue to lose pieces of myself/personality until there's nothing left and until I just don't care about anything.  At times I feel this way, I get so frustrated thinking of things that I used to enjoy doing that I no longer even think about.  I just lie in bed and watch TV and don't want to do a darn thing, anytime I try and actively do someting it feels so foreign and fake and dreamlike that I just wind up avoiding the situation and head back home to wait for this retarded stupid feeling to pass, which it never does.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/21/2011 5:55:08 AM (GMT-6)

A big reason as to why I don't really discuss a lot of the stuff that I think of is for the most part, I don't really remember all the weird crap. I just remember the "feeling", the out of it, the strangeness, the feeling of being completely isolated although I could be around 1000000 people. It makes me wonder am I the only one who has these weird thoughts like, why are we here, what is this life for, what am I supposed to do, why does everyone else seem to get it and I''m the odd one out?

All these ridiculous thoughts, then come the stupid thoughts that really cause me to have anxiety problems....

The whole, OMG I'm 26 and still single something MUST be wrong with me. I haven't had a girlfriend yet so therefore I must be a loser/psycho. The worries that I'll never get over the insecurities that I have and that I will just have to continuously deal with the worry/panic over the dumbest things. The depression and anger about college, about how it has been this ongoing ridiculous battle for something that I KNOW I CAN DO! I'm not an idiot, I can learn anything and my grades have always been good when I apply myself.

Here's my problem everytime I go to college...

going to college. Just physically pulling myself to go, I get worried over the DUMBEST things. I get worried over participating, over being called on in class, group projects, being acknowledged, attention. All of these I guess all fit into the same exact underlying theme of low self confidence I guess. And I'm so tired of it, I jus twant to breakthrough this crap and just give em hell. But it's like, I don't know how to do that without feeling like I'm coming off angry/cocky. Maybe sometimes situations actually call for some cockyness? Who knows, all I know is that I'm tired of feeling like I can't do it. This is the first time I'm attempting to go back to colelge part time, usually I always go back to college full time and take on 15-18 credits while pulling 40 hours a week at my job. I am hoping that was a major reason for my lack of success so far with college. Because it is really becoming to get frustrating, all the jokes and criticism and jabs that family/friends make about "just quit school it's not for you man, when are you going to learn?" "Everyone else knows that you're not going to finish it just save your money and get a decent job". Everytime I hear that it pisses me off, I've held back from really getting into arguments over how much it pisses me off but I really feel like I might snap on somebody soon if I have to keep hearing that crap. I don't need that in my head while I'm trying to go back to school and actually dedicate myself to it.

To get back on topic though a little bit, it's just hard to describe to my pdoc the feelings and thoughts that I get because they are so darn sporadic and don't make any sense most of the time. They mostly happen when I'm sitting around by myself with nothing to do besides waiting to fall asleep (something I've been doing a lot because I just don't generally feel like doing anything). I'm looking foward to my summer class to start in a week or two, it will give me something to do and maybe give me that feeling like I'm actually working towards something again. The best I ever felt was when I was working in my fathers business and I felt as if we were really growin gand getting new customers and doing well. It gave me a reason to wake up the next day and bust my ass and work hard, and felt great about it.....for awhile atleast until I realized none of it was really working. I just keep praying that I'll find something that will give me that sort of motivation again, because my motivation has been MIA for awhile.

Mike,
I know how your feeling, it's almost like the self fulfilled prophecy. I can tell by your words that your a bright young man. If you can't recall what you "think" you could print out this thread and take it with you to a pdoc.

I usually post over on the Chronic Pain board, and trust me I fought taking meds during the day for many reasons, but it is what it is...if we need medication for a better quality of living then sometime we just have to "give in" and get on something. I mean it doesn't seem that doing what you are now is working that great for ya right?? so why not try and see?

Please see that your worth it and doing something for you is always a good thing!
Good luck!

Thanks guys, reading the responses and realizing that somebody out there actually cares helps a lot. Most of the time I feel absolutely freakin alone in what seems like an absolute mess. Although there's times I remind myself that I have it pretty good, which in REALITY, I do. But in my head (not reality) I'm completely in shambles. I don't know what to do, what to say, where to go, what to think. My confidence is in the absolute gutter lately, and it's with everything. I stress out and WANT to avoid any kind of social gatherings/events because I feel like I won't be able to make it through it. How ridiculous is that? Of course I can make it through it and I'll be fine, but in my head it feels like it's the most torturous/tedious/painful thing ever.

For example on Friday night i went to the New York Yankee game with some really good and old friends of mine that I don't normally see. We drank a few beers on the train ride in and went to the game. The whole entire time and even before I even met up with them I was feeling completely blank/out of it. I thought about backing out and saying screw it and just staying home but I knew that I would just be more miserable for that then if I went. So I sucked it up and went, the lightheaded/clumsy/blank feeling conitnued though and for the most part I had a decent time but the whole entire time (even before I had a few drinks) I just felt like I wasn't in control and like I was on autopilot. Then I got severly depressed over what happened on the subway after the game. I'd like to first say that yes I was drunk at 8 but the subway ride wasnt until 11 and I had stopped drinking and was feeling fine before hopping on the subway. But I also ALWAYS have had anxiety about subways/big cities/trains/any place tightly packed with people or whatever. I don't think you would really call it claustrophobia but there's probably some label for it. Anyways, we hop on the subway for like a 15 minute ride and I immediately start feeling uneasy. I take a seat to try and calm down a bit and I just started getting dizzy, closed my eyes and tilted my head back and tried to go to sleep through the ride. My ears started ringing and I started really sweating, I was burning up and the ringing in my ears was getting louder. Then I just wind up throwing up in the subway car. A 26 yr old guy throwing up in a subway car, this after last sunday doing a retarded illegal drug (extremely not serious one though) and also throwing up. I just felt like an absolute loser, especially doing it in ap ublic place like that.

So I'm chalking that up to a complete and utter panic attack on the subway, which probably definetly wasn't aided by my alcohol use a few hours before but still. I don't know where else to turn or what to do though. I have this uneasy, floating, out of control feeling all the time. I guess the best way to describe it is like I am on autopilot. I always feel like I'm not really doing what I'm doing at that given time. I worry about it constantly and it drives me crazy. I talk to all these doctors about it and tell them this and they just have no answer for it. And I guess maybe I fooled the doc on the last visit by bragging about my accomplishments too much, but nto really talking about my current troubles. But I honestly deep down have ZERO idea how medicine can help me get my train of thought back. How to stop worrying about these pointless ridiculous strange thoughts of being on autopilot, like I'm floating, like I'm not here. The whole not caring about life in general.

And I don't know if it's just me but I feel like this world is just depressing the absolute hell out of me lately. A good friend of mine is going through some crap right now too and i tried talking to him to see what was going on but he won't open up about it. The guy has dropped like 20 lbs in a week and quit his job and ahs been drinknig everyday. I had some drinks with him yesterday to try and just keep him company but it didn't help and he just shut down and stopped talking. Another friend of mine just recently started taking cymbalta as well. Is this what life is? Growing up you think it's great and have all these dreams and aspirations and all these things you want to do. And this is what happens? You hit your 20's and realize that life is just one big pain in the ass day after day?