Boyfriend (ex?) not in contact

My thinking is that no matter what this will work out for me. Either I will decide that he wants what i want and it's workable or it isn't. That is exciting to me. My intention is to go over there to share my pictures and my vacation with him. Then I will address the relationship, if he doesn't. It will be obvious from the conversation what to do. I am not going to scenario plan that out and drive myself crazy in the meantime.

Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Everyone has worth. My aunt has this old saying that there is no one so worthless that they can't be a bad example.

Eneli,

 

I moved your post because you were starting a new topic and it didn't make sense.  I figured it was an accident and that you meant to post here.  I will reply.

 

Hugs, Karen

I went over yesterday. We had a very friendly conversation after I showed my vacation photos and told my stories. By friendly, I mean, about on the surface topics. I thought the time was going to end without addressing the issues between us, which would give me my answer. I was making my move to leave and he said that "We will have to talk about what happened that last day ..... some day ... not today .... I can't go that deep." I said okay but stayed a bit and talked a little. He said he couldn't get low right now, had to get up and do something. So, we walked my dog. Again, i was making my move the leave and he started talking about that day, but said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked a couple of questions out of curiosity, gave my side of the story of what was going on inside me. And then I started sharing about the therapy and mental health assistance that I have been getting for three years. .... a part of me that I have kept to myself. I shared ALL OF IT! We both said that it was the best conversation we had had in our entire relationship. He was moved by my vulnerability. .... shaken, really. .... He told me that was a good story and he wanted to leave it at that ... said he was very uncomfortable with anyone seeing him cry. Said he had done a lot of crying over the last two months. I said that I would leave him to give that gift to himself, because I do consider it a gift.

We exchanged a couple of trembling kisses and I went home.

He has not sought help for himself. He said that he would now. He is struggling with the difference between managing his desire to help his daughter and his translations of that meaning that he doesn't care for her. He doesn't get the difference and he has to get to that point.

In the end, I came home thinking that this was a beautiful ending to a relationship for me. That I was myself, my true real self, and I was not rejected nor defiled. I was solid. I told him at one point that the biggest learning for me over the past two months was that I learned where his issues end and where mine begin. I became comfortable with the concept that I can't make him feel better or anyone. That everyone is entitled to their bad feelings. I told him that the big aha moment I had was when i said to myself while riding (his) bike .... "I started this relationship trying to be someone that I'm not. I ended it finding myself." I cried and cried when i said that to him. His response was touching and beautiful and accepting.

So that's that. The journey continues for me. I hope this man will find half the peace that i have found.

Thank you for writing and for your support, especially moderator Karen.

Post Edited (eneli) : 8/7/2011 7:24:34 AM (GMT-6)

Well, maybe the story isn't over after all .....

He called about continuing our talk, so we met up yesterday and are meeting up again tonight. I am managing my anxiety .... because I have none. I have clarity regarding what I want and need to see in a partner. I need to see a desire for personal growth that is carried out in actions. He told me that I inspired him with great growth that I had made and how my reaching out helped that. He said that he wants help. Well, I am not going to be his therapist, but I will support efforts that he makes. I just hope that the good feelings he is experiencing now will not derail his efforts to reach out for help.

As for me, I have to continue to manage my inclination to rescue, make suggestions, and over function.

So, an update is in order .... first we are "officially" back together ... but I said that I want to do things differently. I have noticed that I am more willing to be open and mindful of our and in our interactions. My boyfriend is still strugglling very much with his daughter's situation. He can't see his way through it and has told me that he constantly spins about it. He thinks that if he seeks help he will be told to abandon his daughter, e.g. "tough love". I asked him if thinks the idea that he can feel good even though his daughter is struggling is something he can believe. He said that he can't believe that and maybe his approach should be an acceptance that he is going to feel bad while his daughter is struggling. I also asked him how he thinks this situation is affecting our relationship. He replied that it takes most of his emotional energy.

So, basically, I am just listening and wishing that he would find his way through. As far as myself, I'm not experiencing anxiety, but don't want to over-function in the relationship to the point where the entire relationship is about his struggles ....... That's a tough one.

I truly think my BF is depressed and needs help. Last night he said that he has accepted that it is his lot in life to have stress and that he doesn't have the luxury to not have stress. He said so many things that indicate limiting beliefs. He said that no one does anything for him. No one cares about his daughter. Everyone wants something from him. I listened but got irritated when he started ascribing feelings to me and I called him on it. So this talk, which took three hours, reminded me of the complex issues this man has and will continue to have without seeking help.

We are having relationship check-ins every week on Sundays, so I feel that we are touching base in that manner. This latest conversation, though, leaves me wondering if this relationship can overcome his serious limiting beliefs. I don't know.

Post Edited (eneli) : 8/31/2011 9:57:35 AM (GMT-6)

My boyfriend calls me every night at 10 PM and talks for one to two hours. He cycles through his thoughts and it feels to me like some days he is making his way and the next day he is back in the depths. He has struggles at work and with his kids and sees both as challenges that he needs to figure out. He is being very vulnerable and hard on himself, unlike anything that I have seen in our four years together. His struggles at work are related to running a company that he has owned for 26 years with about 350 employees. The economy and forces beyond his control, of course, are factors. His kids aged 32 and 28 are both unemployed and not really looking. They both seem to have some mental problems that are contributing.

Anyway, my question today concerns the revisiting of the same topics every few days. Is this common with someone that is depressed? I have encouraged him to seek help and he asks, "who?" I feel that me doing a bunch of searching for resources wouldn't result in anything if he isn't motivated to do it for himself.

I don't like that the relationship focuses on his struggles. I am ready to have fun. We were talking about that last night. He says that my life is going so well, which it is. He said he doesn't want to drag me into the mire that is his life. I asked him if that meant not be together, which he thought was ludicrous ... I do seriously wonder if I should just let him work on his problems without the relationship as a factor in his life. Although he says and i believe it that it is the only positive thing he says he has going. Oddly enough, the relationship is the only struggle that I have and I am not even really struggling with it. I just realize that I am not having as much fun or fulfillment as I could be having in a relationship with someone that was in a better spot in life. My therapist asked me why I would want to be in a relationship like this? That's a good question.