I'm a mess- with a kid!!

Hi, I'm new to this. My therapist recommended I find a support network like this if not for anything, just to see that there are others struggling with the same things. (Thanks for sharing your stories and listening/ helping with mine)

Not only does depression run in my family, but I've also been a victim of almost every type of abuse as a child. I also suffer from post- traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and ADD. I'm pretty young and just graduated from a major University with honors but I still feel like a loser. I had a daughter when I was 16 by a man twice my age and have been raising her absolutely alone since then. When she was 1 month old, we became homeless and ended up in a shelter that was really a dilapidated apartment right next to a crack house. I still managed to finish high school at one of the best schools in Mi., but I am emotionally damaged even from that experience- I was the bummy kid whose mom beat and threw away and who had a kid and lives on the streets, according to them. In fact, I'm emotionally damaged from pretty much every major experience of my life. My daughter's a constant reminder of my terrible child hood and I must admit that I just don't want to be a parent. I love her to death and will die for her, but I HATE being a mother. I feel like I'm short changing her. I'm not a normal mother- I don't like going to the park or taking her swimming. I can barely roll out of the bed on time. When she was in 1st grade, she either missed or was tardy over 50% of the time! I'm on meds and in therapy but this doesn't change the fact that my life is in crumbles. I never really had any control of my own life and this depresses me even more. I get a lot of advice that I need a break but I'm a single mother- I can't afford a babysitter, a vacation, or anything! I've been close to suicide since middle school and I sometimes have a decent run of a month or so where I feel...decent. The meds I'm on at least help me function. Before, I couldn't even think or walk. I would just lay around and cry and think of ways to. I invested in mental help solely for my daughter. She has no one else and I don't want her to end up like me. But, at this point, I don't know if my existence is doing more harm than good for her (who wants a sad, depressed, tired mother?)

Is there anyone else like this? Can anyone offer advice?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/11/2011 7:22:47 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Bluesee-

Sorry to hear about your troubles....possibly I can give some advice..I have survived some similar stuff- not as much as you....but I can let you know what has helped me get through and improved my life. I apologize if I repeat anything that your therapist has already said.

First of all...you are a survivor...very few people could have gone through and survived what you have lived. You are a very special person...you obviously are very smart and have had the ability to problem solve your way through life....just to live. Now you need to figure out how to go from surviving to thriving....both for you and your daughter. And you can absolutely do this!

You still sound like you are depressed. Maybe a different med?? But what I found after spending years of trying different ones...it still didnt really get to the core problem causing the depression...which was PTSD from all of the garbage from childhood. Find someone (therapist) that can use a therapy called EMDR. It is kind of like hypnosis. It helps resolve all of the feelings and memories left in your brain that are still bothering you...but dont realize...it is awesome!!!

There are other therapies like this...but this one was unbelievable for me. It uncovered sexual abuse that I never knew happened. This was the root cause for my depression....and therefore screwed up life. I am still on meds but dont need them as much. I feel my center is much more solid.

Also, I don't now if you are spiritual or not- but you have to believe that there is a reason for you to still be alive. There is a reason for you to have gone through all of this stuff. Maybe it is to just stop the continuing abuse and crap in your families lineage. I know you dont really feel like being a mom now...but that is your depression talking...that is not really you.

Regarding your daughter, you just need help with her right now...Just being a single mom is really really difficult. Add depression and everything on top...almost impossible. Is there a church that you can go and ask for help? There are many people who dont have children that would love to help you...to give you a break and take out somewhere etc. You have to realize what a gift she is... and many people would feel that. Just taking her to a park for an afternoon would be so fun for someone. Obviously be careful who you leave her with of course.

There are many resources available. It just takes a little research...and help. But you are bright enough and both you and your daughter deserve to have a better life.

I have to run, (I also am a single mom) Please feel free to email. I will help you any way I can.!!

Hi again...I understand about the church aspect...there can be so many hypocrites. You might want to look into a womens domestic abuse referral service for childcare etc. (even though that is not your situation now).

Also, regarding your anxiety....there is a blood pressure medication called propranolol that is now being used for anxiety from PTSD.  It is not addictive and not a very strong medication at all...but can really help with social anxiety etc.  Not all doctors are aware of it so you might have to print off some information from the internet for them in order to get it.

I want you to know that there are people in the world that are trustworthy, loving and kind.  I realize now that you probably don't feel that now, but if you keep on path of health you and your daughter will find them.

Give your daughter lots of hugs and kisses!