Im so confused because of all the lying.. I wish it would all stop.

Its been almost 5yrs since it got overwhelming! But around 12yrs since it all started. Ive been married about 21yrs now, I have 4 beautiful children but for some reason 12yrs ago I felt I was falling out of love with my husband... Ive always been the head of my house hold I can say, Ive always been "in charge" of almost everything paying the bills, figuring out how to pay the bills when there was not enough money. I think that is where it all started, of course that and the fact that my husband cheated on me 19yrs ago after my daughter was born.. I tried to leave all that behind but I know it was actually somewhere there.. behind the back of my head never to be forgottin about. After about 8yrs of feeling out of love with my husband I met a person whom I felt attracted to.  I became good friends with this man. I got to like this man more and more after goin out on a lunch date here and there with him because of the way he treated me. For once I felt I was taken care of instead of me taking care of everyone else. about 3yrs later it happened! I had been sexually involved with this person and still married because I felt that my husband was so use to me doing everything, that he would be lost without me.. I still cared about him and didnt want to hurt him because he was the father of my children and the only other man I had ever been with since we got married back when I was 15yrs old. I found out I was pregnant! I choose to have my baby. I didnt believe in abortions so that was out of the question. Since the first day I found out I was pregnant I would cry myself to sleep just thinking about what I would tell my husband, how hurt he would be.. So i didnt tell him. Today Its on my mind everyday, every night and every moment of my life... I always have a feeling in the back of my mind that tells me I have to eventually tell my husband the truth. I just dont know how or when. Im actually afraid for him, not knowing what he is capable of doing.. He is not a violent person but alot of people arent until something provoks them. I still feel I care alot for him but I cant get the feeling of being in love with him back.. Im still there with him because I tried to leave him but my kids where the ones goin back and forth with me then him and that really hurt me so I got back together with him. I dont know if that was the right decision or not but that is what I did. Some people say take it to your grave youll hurt more people if you dont... Some people tell me, you need to tell him it will be worse later and he needs to know.. Im so confused dont know what is the best thing to do for everyone involved, the real father of my little one is also hurting by not being able to enjoy her. Is this my curse for being unfaithful and lying? I wish it would all stop.......

Dari,

Hello, I am Serenitee, thought I would introduce myself. I really connected with your post, so thank you for sharing something so personal. I am so sorry you are struggling with everything right now. I'm sure it is not easy holding so much inside and not being able to let it all out.

I've been married 23 years now and we have 7-beautiful kids, and 3-grand kids. I have not worked since we got married, so I don't have any income on my own. My husband pays all the bills and is not good with money. Last year when we had been married 22 years a lot of things happened. I have always felt in my gut that he was not faithful to me during different times thru-out our marriage, but he would always deny. He would turn it around on me like I was just basically losing my marbles creating something out of nothing. I had never been unfaithful in anyway at all, never even wanting another man.

I ended up in the Psych Ward for 2 weeks in September 2010, then husband kicked me out, I was homeless for 3 months, no money, no transportation...I left with my car but he stole it in the middle of the night. Then threats by him and I went into hiding. That is it kind of in a nutshell. I had met a man and we were together for the 3 months. It was the first time in so many years that someone really understood me and gave me compliments and support. My husband ended up finding me after the 3 months and begged for me to come home. I told him unless he came clean with all the stuff I thought he had done over the years, I wouldn't come home until he talked. Within minutes he was admitting being unfaithful just months after we were married.

I'm sending you warm wishes for everything to work out for you. Your a strong woman and you will overcome this.
Sorry I was rambling on about me...Would love to chat sometime, my email address is on my profile so if you click on my name "serenitee" it will take you to it. I just didn't want to keep boring you with my stuff.

Look forward to hearing from you...
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

Hi Dari,

We all make mistakes in our lives. Try to look at the positive side of things if you can. You have a beautiful daughter out of all of this. Try not to punish yourself with what happened. You have learned from this and that is what is important. Maybe when your daughter turns 18 you can explain it to her. Thta is when my mom told me some things that she had never told me. She lied to me about my father, as I was kind of a mistake. I had a sister that I never knew about. She told me about that. I was shocked, but not angry. I am concerned as to whether you are happy or not in your marriage. In your first post, I got the impression that you didn't love your husband as you would like to. Can you continue living like this? It must be hard. Are you happy in general? If you don't love him like you use to, don't feel guilty about it. We can't help our feelings. It is more important as to whether you are happy or not. Do you still see the other guy? Are you in love with him? Just a few questions, as I am concerned about your well being.

Take care Dari.

Hugs, Karen