I"m sliding backwards.....

Hi All. I'm sliding backwards and I feel like its happening fast. I have been binge eating for the past 72 hours. A couple of Ben & Jerry's 16 ounce ice cream containers, cooked potatoes covered with layers and layers of cheese.

I can't seem to get enough sleep. I'm slipping into an I don't care attitude. My lawn (or rather weeds) are past my waist, my house is a mess, I'm not studying for my licensing exams and I'm stressing over my new summer job which i'm not doing well at (both the owner and I have talked about my frustration and her concerns rather rationally and fairly).

Additionally, i left my downstairs door open (I didn't shut it timely because I was too lazy to get the key and lock it) and my 16 year old daughter's cat ran away. We live deep in the woods and she has been gone 48 hours. My daughters a mess and I feel so awful and crappy about it.

I need to be able to pull it together and keep it together. I have had a fairly strong month. I know stress is picking up again because of outside factors like bank foreclosure actions picking up again, etc. but I need to be able to provide a normal household for me kids and myself.

I don't know. I'm venting. And right now I need to get up off my *** and do something. Maybe cutting the lawn on one side of my house would be a nice start.

I just don't feel good and I'm feeling scared because of it. The thoughts of I wish I weren't here have been coming back in my head and I wish it would stop. ..No, I have no intent on acting on them but I hate that they're there again.

I know I'm the only one who can really help myself but right now I really need a really swift kick(s) in the butt or a fairy godmother because I just want to bury my head under my pillow and cry.

Cass

Hi Karen. Thanks for replying and so quickly. Yes, thanks for the kick, lol. I went outside and mowed one side of my lawn. Took about 2 hours. It's hilly was full of branches and sticks from the winter and was just awful. I have an electric battery mower and the rule is when it dies I am usually ready to pass out myself. Well..it's dead and i feel like I am too! I'm recharging the battery now. It will take about 6 hrs to recharge so I'm done with that for the day.

I am actually leaving tonight for vacation. My girls are with their dad for a few more hours. I need to pack up, clean up the house so we don't come back to this same mess. Maybe I have a little bit more ambition right now. Still a ton of work left to do on whole yard, but at least I know I've started.

I'm just rambling at this point. Thanks for responding. It just gets so hard when you feel yourself backsliding into that black and foggy place. I don't want to go there but it is so hard to fight.

Take care,
Cass

Wow Cass, you are prolly already on vacation, but WELL DONE for doing that lawn!!!! Two hours of mowing is an effort when we are well and you did it from a place where you just wanted to curl up and die. That takes guts. Really, really, really, impressed. Hope you have a lovely break.

Thank you Living Well and Jamie. Yes, I am on vacation right now but I did bring my netbook with me. After reading your response, I actually felt a little better. I wouldn't call mowing my lawn gutsy; i just did it because I was really hoping that for a little while I could clear the not so good thoughts from my head. And to be honest for a little while it did. And doing something physical did make me feel that I at least accomplished something.

I'm really hoping that some time away from home this week with my girls will do me some good. But I've got some pretty overwhelming problems back at home. I just hope I'll be able to be strong enough to face it.

thanks for caring!
Cass

Hey Cass,

I am glad you managed to do a bit of your lawn. Someimes doing something physically tiring can allow our bodies to rest and our minds too. I find when I'm really low that it's had to sleep as my head just wont shut up, doing something like mowing tires me out so I have to sleep.

I'm in hospital at the minute and those feelings that are far too familiar for my liking keep creeping up on me. I hate that I'm thinking like this, there's no real reason to be. I just can't seem to snap myself out of it. Yesterday I spent about 3 hours on the Wii, then went on the yoga ball then as a final act of deperation to stop my head feeling so fuzzy I took a walk around the whole perimeter of the hospital. Yet still I feel so bad. There seems to be no end. In the back of my head I have to keep trying to tell myself that this bout of depression is only temporary and that it always gets better, but I dunno, in the front of my mind is a stronger feeling of 'I just don't want to do this anymore, why wont it stop'.

I just wanted to let you know, that you aren't alone in this and there's always goign to be a time when things will be better, so try keeping hold of that thought. Sometimes life can be so easy and you feel like you're on top of the world and flying and so full of love and life. Then other days you can feel so empty and alone. It's a horrible feeling.

Hope you have a great vacation and that it allows you to unwind a bit.

Hugs

Gem x