Don't feel all that good

Have turned into an emotional wreck again. It's steadily been getting worse a lot quicker over the last few weeks, but my mood has steadily been dropping for months before that. I keep trying to put up this positive front and then yesterday and today that is just broken. I will have to smile later as we're going to pick up my little sister from camp later. I'd rather my mum did it, but she's working, grans in hospital, stepdads working so duty has fallen to me. Usually I'd be fine with this and would really really want to as I love my little sister more than anyone in the world. But I know what an effort it's going to be to smile my way through today. Today I would much rather curl in a ball and get this out of my system than forcing myself to pretend. It's my nephews birthday on Sunday and we'll probably have to help with party prep tomorrow. That's 3 days of totally agonising inside stuff that I have to keep pushing back inside.

I went to see my counselor yesterday and touched on the surface stuff, but there's somethings i can't discuss still through not being mentally ready for that discussion. He totally gets me, and I love that, but yesterday just wasn't enough, becasue after counselor, I went to meet a friend in town for coffee, which was difficult as haven't seen him in a year after him ignoring me as he got a new girlfriend. Now he's split with her and he's finally free to talk to again, but it feels awkward some how. I think because last year he looked into CF and depression and was scared of me coming to harm. After convincing him I'm fine and not so fragile, now I feel the same way and am scared of my CF and my depression.

Then got the call that my gran has been rushed to hospital, and I don't get on my my gran. Last time I saw her she called me fat and blaimed her chest infections on me (and impossibility, but apparenlty my fault anyway). She's got pnuemonia and anemia and a multitude of other things. She's less than 6 stone and thinks she looks great. She's like a walking skeleton. She had a gastric band fitted and she's took it too far. I get very mad at her and yesterday she again mentioned my weight, but what can I do? I'm visiting her in hospital after all. My gran is ill because of things she has done to herself. She has become anorexic and belimic (how do you spell that anyway:/) and it's hard knowing she has done all that to her self, and trying to make her understand that. She was having to have blood and thinking she'll be out of the hospital by the weekend. If they let me out in the condition my gran is, there would be trouble. I find it very difficult to have any sypathy for her, and that is a very new feeling for me. Infact it's so new it's currently sitting in my stomach like a bubbling tar pit because I don't quite know how to deal with that emotion yet. I am usually very accepting of people and their differences and even when I get annoyed, it is never more than that. I'll get angry and hit pillows and things, but that's never becasue of anything certain, not because of one person and their choices. What is wrong with me this time that I can't handle this? :(

So then my brother rings, and he sounds unwell. He needs to go in for IV antibiotics and he doesn't think work will let him. Now my brother has Cystic Fibrosis like me, and I'm very mad at his work as I know the implications of him not treating a lung infection and the damage it could cause. He works so hard all the time, and never complains. He just gets on with it and never expects anything. He's a person to admire. It makes the feelings about gran worse though. He does the same regime as me to make sure he keeps well and gran wont even go see a doc let alone do anything to help herself. It makes me so mad.

I know this all seems targetted at my gran, but depression wise, it's not. Not seen or heard from my gran in months, so not really thought about her til now. There's just a billion other things that I can't keep my mind on top of.

At what point is it ok to shout STOP, because that's what I really want to do right now. But well, I have to stay strong for my nephews party at least, then I guess I have next week to crumble in on myself.

At the minute all I need is a cuddle and someone to talk to, and I don't have that. Haven't been seeing any of my friends and to see them at this point and put this burden on them wouldn't be fair. Talking to my counselor is great, but he's off next week, and I think I need someone now. Could meet friend I met for coffee yesterday but he's at work all the time. Hubby's no help either and being in the house all the time with hubby makes it harder to talk to him about stuff.

I feel so strangely alone and not wanting to be alone, but then also wanting to curl up in a ball and be left alone. How on Earth does that work? :(

Hi Gem. Boy, do I certainly understand the feeling about wanting to curl up in a ball and feel like I'm going to just die. In fact, I believe you answered to my post about this just before I left on vacation almost 2 weeks ago. The good news though is you can and will live through the stuff you need to do. Just take lots of deep breaths and keep thinking, "I can do this, I can do this...." Maybe just look at the pleasant thoughts of seeing your sister again, etc. Or on the flip side maybe you could plan a reward for yourself for when you do finish these items. It will give you something to look forward to and a reason to plow through what seems to be an overwhelming list of tasks.

In regards to your grandmother, it certainly sounds like she has her own lion's share of problems. She seems like the type of person that can never be happy so she doesn't want anyone else to be either. If it is any consolation, I wouldn't want to see her under those circumstances either. If there is no way of getting out of it, could you bring a book or crossword puzzle with you when you go? It might seem rude, but even if it got your mind off of what she was saying for a few moments it might help.

I"m sorry about your brother not being able to leave work to get his treatment. Does he have a Human Resources Department at work where he could go talk to them about it?

Last, I very, very often wish that I had someone to cuddle with and make me feel better. But alas, I really don't have that option. So I have found the next best thing. I am on a very tight budget but I do make room for this. Every 2-3 weeks I go for either a manicure or a pedicure. And at this saloon they also give backrubs as part of the treatment. I can walk in there totally stressed out, but by the time I walk out I am a much happier person. And that mood usually stays with me awhile --especially when I look at my nails. Yes, this sounds totally superficial but it works and it is good enough for me. This is the reward I usually hang over my own head to get things done. Is there anyway you could do something like this?

Please hang in there. I understand the depression part of what you are going through. Just realize that you're not alone in dealing with it.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Cass

Karen-

Yes, one step at a time is the right way. I think I was seeing being so busy over the last few days and didn't have the will to get through it because it felt like so much. It was good seeing my sister, I instantly went into mothering mode again (she was in hospital the day before with a twisted ankle and trying to walk on crutches without being taught how to use them). I managed to act normal and that was good. Yesterday I withdrew and spent all day on world of warcraft. I needed that. Today is the party and I know I'll be ok. I'm having a big bowl of fruit to give me some energy.

Cass-

I like the idea of a backrub. We get them once a week in hospital for free and it really does make me feel relaxed and at least for that day I feel good. They are expensive over here though, and I couldn't afford it. Tried getting hubby to massage but he puts no affort in and gets bored afer 2 minutes. You are totally right with the advice I gave you before your vacation, I know tomorrow has to be better and if I keep thinking "I can do it" my brain starts to listen and things improve. I guess I musty jst somehow lose sight of that sometimes. Hope you enjoyed your vacation and that it allowed you to relax and get into a better frame of mind. I'm going to Spain in August, so hopefully the excitement will kick in soon.

My gran is apparently actually getting well in hopsital. Having to eat hospital meals and not being able to run to the toilet to throw it all up, must be helping. Maybe if she gets better she will be in a better mood and leave me alone. I think I could tolerate her if she does that. She has never been a supportive person, I can't forgive her still for saying years ago that all disabled people should be killed at birth as it would be kinder (erm, hello grandma, thnaks, so I should be dead?) I know she hadn't been thinking, but it still hurt a lot. She always speaks without a thought for any other person, I think I should probably be used to that by now.

Jamie (((hugs)) thank you x

Nobodynew-

I had the right meds for depression, I have been on Trazadone without problem for a while. Soemtimes it doesn't work as well and I can't work out the reason why, other times they are fantastic. 90% of the time they allow me to live normally without being too tortured by my thoughts, which is a lot better than it used to be. I have been through Mirtazapine which was great until my CF team started messing about wiht them without telling my psychiatrist. They stopped them dead from 45mg and told me this would be ok. My psychiatrist went mad and put me back on them, but they never worked right again. Sertraline caused galactorrhea and sent my prolactin levbels through the roof, so that was stopped. Lofepramine made me a hell of a lot worse, properly paranoid and suicidal rather than just thoughts. I would be very wary of trying something new. When Lofepramine sent me crazy, I was given a choice of Trazadone and something begining with D. We went with the Trazadone with the other written down as the next thing to try. I was going to ring my psychiatrist about a month ago, but the day I'd decided to ring a letter came through the door saying she's left the clinic for 2 years and so wouldn't be able to see me. So I need a new psychiatrist but I'm scared of my CF team, and they are the people who refer me. I know I need to just kick myself and get it sorted but I haven't found the guts to make the phone call yet. When I was in hospital last week I couldn't mention it because in my head I kept thinking it's only temporary as sometimes my IV's can be a big thing for stopping my Trazadoone working. I guess deep down I'm still hoping this is the case, but it's going on a bit long.

My counselor is great, but the things I would need to tell him, would bring up the past of one of the hardest most confusing parts of my life that I still can't piece together and part of me thinks that isn't the greatest idea to bring it back to the surface full force. Also there is issue of wanting to self harm. I've been stopping myself and withdrawing into computer games to take my mind away from it. I don't have the strength to talk aboutt hat face to face with someone. I do have his email, and not seeing him next week, so I guess I could mail him all this but I'm not sure I want to face upto it. I don't know it's all a mess, I'm not very good at biting bullets and just getting it over with. Also he is a college counselor, so he would need to report that somewhere. My psychiatrist has mentioned hospitalisation twice for my depression, but it was going to be on my cf ward as they have better knowledge of my meds. I don't mind the CF ward, I have a lot of supportive people on there. She was never convinced it would be best thign for me though, so we never went through with it. I usually see her whenever I go into hopsital, at least once, but obviously not this time round as she wasn't there.

My Gran wont go see a doctor and hasn't been in about a year even though we kept telling her she needed too, with the constant chest infections and looking like a skeleton. My mum evetually got her too last week, and it was from that and and blood tests that the GP told her to get upto the hospital asap. She really didn't have much choice.

With hubby is weird, we have never communicated that great, and it's worse now since he became my carer as he is at home all the time. I though the support would be great, but it's not and it makes it harder to really talk about anything as he's there all the time. I prefer to talk with people about stuff and leave it there, or leave it for 24 hours and then discuss agaiin but everything we talk about is then pushed over and over and there's no way of escaping from it. Cuddles wise, it's like he doesn't want cuddles, or he is alwasy in a rush and it's always the wrong time. It just doesn't work. Not sure about couples counseling, I'm not sure if they do it throught he NHS and if they do then it would be a long waiting list.

Thankyou for your post, I know I complain about nothign really, it just feels so big. I thought at least writing out might help.

Thnak you for all your posts. I'm sure it will be fine, just need to wait it out and get myself through it. Depression is never easy, but then neither is life, for anyone really.

Hugs
Gem x

Gem,

Hugs from me too. I am sure this will get better. You have so much going on right now. Take it one day at a time. Keep strong. You are a fighter, I do know that.

Karen...

Hugs,

Party went ok. I stayed out of the way and just sat. Went and got on bouncy castle, as I thought maybe throwing myself into excercise might be good for me. I've been none-stop coughing since and that was about 3 hours ago. My lungs are getting sore now. :(

Don't feel great, but don't have anything to do tomorrow so that might be good. I'm not having to perform that I'm ok, performing all the time gets so exhausting!

Might get a haircolour and dye my hair something new tomorrow, just to change me a little. I want a new piercing and tattoo, but not allowed because money is so tight. Guess a new hair colour might be good. My friend who I met for coffee the other day, said he missed my crazy streaks of colour, I really miss them too.

On a good note, best thing ever as I was leaving party. My littlest nephew, who is 2 rushed up becasue I was leaving without a kiss and cuddle. Children are so loving and innocent.

Thank you for letting me have this place to vent.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you all while you're all dealing with stuff in your own lives x

Hi Gem: If you were weak, you would keep your feelings to yourself and not even share them with us. Knowing when and where to come to get help makes you strong, whether or not you realize it!

So please keep posting. We want nothing but the best for you, so let us listen and help you. I cannot even begin to imagine what having CF is like, but I do understand what depression feels like, and we will never get upset or judge you here.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Cass

Grrrrrrrr, so, now my gran has lung cancer, which I guess isn't as much of her own fault, though killing her immune system like she has can't have helped. I've been summoned to go up to see her today, but I've said I'm going up tomorrow. Heartless person i am, I already have pictures booked for today with my neighbour to go see Harry Potter and have a bbq planned, meaning I can't go upto see her today, but can tomorrow. Which Mum has made me feel really guilty about. But, well, tough. Part of me is worried about going upto the hopsital visiting, the infection risks involved to both me and my gran and other people on the ward. There's a reason when I go into hopsital for my IV's I am put in a seperate room on our own special CF ward and that is because of cross-infection. Plus, I'm sick of hospitals. Plus, I can't hold myself together. When I went to visit her last week I ended up getting incredibly annoyed as there were NO cross-infection procedures in place. No washing hands before touching cannulas, syringes just left on sides, not in tubs. Is that a good environment for me to be in? When I went on Thursday that night I came down with a sore throat that lasted 2 days. I blaimed it on the caffiene at the time as usually I drink decaf and my friend had bought me a HUGE costa coffee. But, maybe I'd picked it up from the hopsital. Then what if I get there and I get blaimed again for my gran having chest infection after chest infection.

I keep thinking, when I've needed rushing upto the hospital before (when my kidneys were shutting down) she said she was too busy going to aqua fit and I would have to give her £10 petrol money which I didn't have. In the end, had to get the hospital to pay me a taxi. So, why should I have to put my plans on hold when I need something happy right now? Having lung cancer isn't going to instantly kill her and loads of people are going up to see her today anyway, so what's wrong with tomorrow?

Bah, and then head explodes as there is far too much thought to put into this.

Hi Gems. I'm not sure what you decided to do about when/if to see your grandmother, but I hope you are doing okay. To be honest, I am surprised that your mother wants you to go at all. Now that you have explained how susceptible you are to germs, etc., I would be concerned about you being in that atmosphere. Personally, I think a phone call would be more than adequate. ..But that's my own humble point of view.

Have you been able to get in touch with any of your friends or perhaps do something nice for yourself?

Let us know how you're doing! (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Cass

Sorry that the bbq got rained on. That happens. But people still usually have a good time. I am glad that you did. I got to see the grandkids yesterday. Spent the whole day out there. Did some family stuff. My grandson cooked supper, ti was really good. He will someday be a chef or make a good husband to some girl. They grow up so fast. He is 14 now. Wow, it seems like he was just five. lol...

I hope that you are having a good day Gem. Keep us posted on how things are going.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Gems,

I myself would be a little upset when I was suppose to meet somebody and they didn't take the time to let me know they couldn't be there. I think it was inconsiderate on their part. I could see if something come up, but if they were on facebook and on the phone, they could have sent you a text or called you. I am not saying it is okay to get really angry, but it is something that I would of been a little perterved about. But stuff happens I guess. But don't beat yourself up over it. You have feelings and maybe they were hurt. Mine probably would have been. But I would have sat there and enjoyed my coffee anyway. I wouldn't let it ruin my day.

I am glad that the social club went well for you. It sounds like you had a lot of fun. That is cool. I wish I had the guts to do something like that. I am getting better, but I am still somewhat of a recluse.

Do you like to read? Maybe pick up a good book and just relax with it tomorrow. Or take some walks. Or just do nothing. Can you not just do nothing? I have a hard time with that too. But when we are relaxed we can do that. I have to keep busy myself. So I understand what it means to have nothing to occupy your time.

I hope that you find something for tomorow.

Hugs, Karen