Posted 7/30/2011 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
My main purpose of this post is to decide what to do about my relationship with my father. The issues I have with him have recently been reopened and I now wonder whether it is worth it to resolve these issues or to simply find closure and accept things the way they are.
To give some background, my father has battled with depression, anxiety, and an explosive temper for much of his life. Neither of my parents communicated very well, but what I remember most from childhood is his yelling and cursing. I came to fear conflict because of how he might react. My parents separated when I was 11 or 12 and this was something I was happy about. I went to see him every other weekend with my younger sister. Even when my parents were married, he rarely attended family functions due to anxiety. So, after the separation, not much changed with that. Around 12 or 13, my relationship with my father became very rocky and I made the choice to stop going to see him. After a few years I was able to let him back into my life but I have never let him get that close. I've learned not to take him seriously because it saves me from getting hurt. I simply don't trust him or respect him. Still, over the past few years I have been able to get along with him and it is nice to see him.
I should note that during my teenage years, I suffered from a lot of depressed feelings and went to several therapists. Now I am in my late 20's. I moved out of state 4 years ago and am much happier with my life. I still get down, but I've learned to manage those feelings and no longer fall into the depressions I once did.
My dad has gone to a lot of therapy and seems to have resolved his temper issues. He is on antidepressants which seems to have helped him a little bit. Still, his life is a mess. He continues to try to date and his relationships fail. He is not financially independent and lives with his mother. He had to file bankruptcy a few years ago. He has continued to have an up-and-down relationship with my mother. They sometimes get along and have even tried dating again, but in the end something happens and they stop getting along. Up until recently, my dad has continued to come over to my mom's house when I am in town for family dinners and Christmas.
I had come to terms with most of this and I didn't think my relationship with my dad had bothered me. I wasn't close with him, but we'd talk sometimes. He'd bother me, but I accepted that as being okay. While we didn't have a great relationship, I felt that he could still be in my life without causing me unhappiness.
My opinion of this has changed over the past few weeks. I recently returned to my home town. I realized that my dad was sad that he didn't get to spend much time with me, so I asked him to personally pick me up from the airport (this is something my mom usually does). It was nice to get time with him and I saw my grandmother as well. My mom planned to have a family dinner later in the week. My dad and grandmother planned to attend. On the night of the dinner, my dad texted me saying he would see if he could make it. When he didn't show, I asked him if he'd be coming. That is when he responded with a very long text saying things about my mother and how he would no longer be attending any events with her involved. He stated that she continues to purposely hurt him, etc etc. I was angry about this because he waited until the last minute to tell me anything. Since the next day was my last day in town, I still decided to stop by and see him for a goodbye.
It turned out that he was still angry with my mother for a comment she made around Christmas time. On this day, I went out to lunch with my mom, dad, and sister. When the bill arrived, my mom asked my dad to pay. What she said next came out a bit rude (though I can't remember the exact words), saying something about how he always comes to her house and eats her food. I can see how this came out hurtful, but from my dad's perception, my mother had an "outburst" and purposely attacked him. Though I didn't know it then, this was when he decided to stop seeing her.
When I returned home, I wrote my dad a very long E-mail. His text implied that my mom was the one who was completely at fault and I needed him to hear the things he had done to hurt me. I told him it was probably a good idea for him to stop seeing my mom because it appeared that he kept letting himself get hurt by her. However, I emphasized that he needed to stop acting as if he was the victim in the matter. Through the E-mail, I detailed many of the things he had specifically done to hurt ME. I felt he needed to hear that he had done some pretty horrible things and he couldn't go through life blaming everyone else. His response detailed all the things my mother had done to destroy their marriage. He seems to blame her for everything that has gone wrong. Again, I know my mother was far from perfect, but if anything he was the one with very serious issues. I responded to this saying that if he wanted to continue conversing about the issues between he and I, I would be willing to do so. However, I said that I would not continue to listen to him place so much blame on my mother. He responded with more details about my mother and put it bluntly that SHE is the reason that his relationship with me is damaged. I ended the conversation there and haven't written to him since.
My issue is that I didn't realize how much he resents my mother. He truly believes that he is the only one who worked at the marriage and that she was to blame for its failure. He claims that he was horrible to him nearly everyday. My biggest concern is that he really doesn't perceive himself as having any guilt in the failure of his relationships, especially with me. I don't know if I can continue a relationship with him knowing that he will always blame my mother for his issues. I imagine that it will carry over to me as well (he has already compared me to my sister saying that if he has done such horrible things then why is he so close to my sister). I know the signs of depression and that narcissism such as this is typical. I know it is normal for a depressed person to only blame others for their own unhappiness.
I apologize for such a long post, but I feel I needed to let out a lot of stuff and don't know where else to turn for advice. Basically, I am looking for advice with what to do next regarding this relationship. I feel I would be better off not having him in my life. However, he is my father and I think that it is important to maintain parental relationships. Still, I don't know if that is even possible now that I know how much blame he places on my mother for the failure of all his relationships and his life in general. Any advice would be helpful.
Thank you.