Saving Us All

I want to hold on but I feel like running.  How do I sit back, relax, and give things a chance to fall into place?

My husband is an angel and together we have weathered many storms, the largest has been my depression.  This angel of a husband was affectionate, constantly complimentary, patient and doting.  He put me on a pedestal to say the least over the years.   Not long after we married I crashed into a deep depression (for many reasons) and turned into a cold, intimately unavailable, mean, difficult human being - a stark opposite of the woman he fell in love with.  I didn't recognize myself either and the pain of my depression was indescribable.  I was convinced I would never ever feel good again and it was an awful, scary place to be.

He practically jumped through hoops those years to make me happy and rarely if ever complained - assuring me each day that he'd never leave me.  Flash forward almost four years and I'm slowly but surely crawling out of my depression cave and although I feel much more balanced emotionally, I'm rattled by the place I've found my relationship to be in.  My relationship just feels totally different and I feel devastated.  He's abrasive, distanced, and totally preoccupied by the "calling" he found a passion in over those few years.  Aside from his day job he found a love working with animals on the side.  Something I love myself but don't have the time he has to devote to it.  We've started a small business and he puts in many hours of volunteer work.  I feel overwhelmingly clingy, needy, weepy, codependent, and jealous.  All of those are unhealthy feelings as far as I'm concerned and I don't know what to do to quiet them.  I've definitely voiced my concerns to him and he basically just says that he's not going anywhere and the rest can be summed up as... he needs time to come back around because I've been unhappy for so long.    

You know, it's not even like there's another woman.  I feel like a fool being so insecure when the thing that preoccupies his thoughts and spare time is only shelter animals and not another romantic relationship. 

I'm sorry this is so long but it's the first time I've EVER posted anything in a forum and I guess I've been dying to reach out for some support.  There's a lot more that can fill in the blanks but I'll leave it off here and hopefully someone will share their ideas about how to calm my insecurities and keep them from destroying what feels like a last chance to survive for all of us.

Yes, I do try to meditate, perhaps not well enough or often enough:)  You are very correct, the years of dealing with my depression have definitely taken a toll on him and the more I try to get though each day, the more I feel that we've reached a point of no return.  We argue constantly and there's a lot of anger and resentment on both sides. I was very angry and disappointed with him just before my depression took me over the deep end for those years.  Tonight was a particularly painful explosion of emotions and although some alcohol (on his part) did play a role, much of what he screamed at me was raw truth.  He swears he adores me, but there's pure disgust in his tone and reactions to me.  Although he wasn't crazy about the counseling idea, yes, we did sit down recently and address my concerns about feeling lost etc.  He says that he's still the same person and that he still loves me...but I don't feel any of that on my end.  There are way too many layers going on to ever have it make any sense in a forum like this. 

The simplest for the moment is...We both have full time day jobs.  He's just started a rescue group of his own and that alone is another full time job.  We have also talked about being able to move in a direction where we can look at the option of starting a family.  I'm ready to really and truly work on our relationship and do everything it takes to put us back together.  I already feel neglected with the time he puts in on evenings and weekends at the shelters, now we're throwing an additional HUGE commitment into the mix with starting up a rescue.  Any time I try to voice my concern for when he will possibly have time to work on our marriage he gets angry with me, tells me I'm being selfish, and makes it sound like I'm forcing him to give up his 'passion'.  I don't want him to give it up.  I'd like to be able to share that joy with him.  I just want him to recognize that our marriage and making it solid should really come first.  No matter what I say or how I try to get that point across he just gets...ANGRY. 

I am so, so, so, so sad.  I can't stop crying.  I feel like I've lost my best friend and the life I had right in front of me.

Gettingby always comes in with the real solutions for many of the posters on the forum, and she's right because she has lived through years of depressive illness to come out on the other side into a mature marriage and enjoyment of her talents.

You have the same potential if you will apply your ability. I've often
understood marriage to be a relationship between two mature people who have independence in their lives and meet at some point with
their great love in a momentary time of intimacy and then go back to their solitude and independence.

The only way I was ever able to establish that was to take a religious
view of life: the protection of others, myself, and trying to love even
when the going got tough--and it does in every marriage at some
points in time. You have to believe in something greater than yourself in life to rely on for comfort, trust, assurance, and love of a high, enduring order.

Human love is wonderful in many ways but not necessarily the be-all and end-all. Thank goodness your spouse has directed his libido into something that's protective and helpful than into something negative and destructive. Gettingby is right; try to find something positive in his work and maybe you will, in time, enjoy it. Better yet, (for me) find something that you really like and enjoy. Do you play bridge? Or enjoy gardening, or painting, or development of your talent whatever it might be?

She is also right in suggesting that you get an effective counselor to work with you if the going gets really unbearable. I would say that you have a high percentage rate of success with the intelligence and quiet observance that you already have.

I wish you the best and hope you will continue to post as needed.

Take care.

It's Genetic



To the group on the forum: sorry I haven't been available to help
in the last several days but have had to testify in a trial regarding
an automobile accident 5 years ago when an uninsured motorist
caused me to be hospitalized with injuries and my insurance company
sued him since he caused them to expend over $50,000. in benefits for
me with my uninsured motorist's coverage.

Before it was over, both sides agreed with me about it all, and
finally stopped looking for things. It was an education, let me tell you!
I've been resting for two days since! Ready to go again now to help
when you wish.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/6/2011 3:58:15 PM (GMT-6)

What a nice post, Sue Tho, very intelligently written. I have just a few comments, however:

One of the most basic needs of the human spirit is the need for a belief
of spiritual value. We aren't permitted to discuss religion here, but I
would like to say one thing only regarding it: much of depression may be that we fail to have standards that follow high levels of rational thinking. Religious values strengthen rational thinking and behavior.

Secondly, having a child is a natural desire in people who share an
intimate and loving relationship. And children are one of life's greatest gifts. If people only understood the chemistry of depression and the
correction of chemical imbalances, it's possible that they might have the enriching experience of a child in their life.

Thank you for your great post; I enjoyed it and am glad you've joined the forum.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/7/2011 6:39:19 PM (GMT-6)

SueTHo,

I agree to disagree but will always stand for values that are inherently
valuable in my life and have been shown to be valuable in the lives
of millions. I am wary of calling people fools.

You have the right to your thoughts and ideas, definitely.

It's Genetic

Certainly, Karen,

I understand, believe me.

It's Genetic

I mentioned that we aren't to talk about it. for or against it. If it is brought up one more time, this thread will be locked. It looks Sue if you want to antagonize an argument. That is not called for here. You are too critical about what people say. You said that you would agree to disagree as IG said. So let's drop it. This isn't doing Miss Riley's thread any good.