Depressed and Out of Control...

crystalwaters109

New Member

Joined : Aug 2011

Posts : 1

Posted 8/12/2011 8:01 PM (GMT 0)

This is my first time posting.. In November of 2010 I was analy raped by my ex boyfriend. I kept quiet (except to my two best friends, one who is now my boyfriend) They both advised to me to tell my mother so she could get me help. I'm a minor so I'd need her help to get it. I was too stubborn to tell her and afraid to break her heart.. she's very loving and has always done everything to protect me.

Depression runs in my family. (I'm not sure if that could affect the long term depression i have felt or not) After the rape happened I was in denial for a while, then went into a depression for about a month and told nobody. I finally got the guts to tell my best friend, Sydney. All of a sudden the depression vanished. I was relieved to find I was "over" the incident. I met Andrew (my current boyfriend) not long after. We became close and started to grow feelings for eachother and I told him what had happened. He has and still is so very supportive and kind to me.

All of a sudden, about 3 months ago the depression returned. It hit me. Hard. I ended up spilling to my mother and it took her a MONTH to even find me help. I became cold towards her because she has been on dating sites and going out when I need her the most. Over this period of time I have intense mood swings. I become furious or I cry
like never before and they come out of nowhere. I've gone to just one apt and the therapist did not seem like she could be much help at all so we didn't return.

Another thing is.. I sometimes have trouble remembering the incident. I know it happened but I can't remember the details.. why is that so?

But worst of all.. I feel as if I have been losing love for my boyfriend. He lives farther away so it is hard to see eachother but when we do I am so happy and my depression
doesn't bother me. in fact, I forget all about it! But I don't feel those intense jolts I
used to and I'm scared I'm "falling out of love" if that is possible. I'm so scared. I
can't lose him, he's my everything and he makes me happy. Could my
depression be making me feel this way? If I overcome the depression can my feelings
return? AND is my depression causing these strange outburts? And why am I only sometimes having trouble remembering the rape?

Please help. I need advice.

Post Edited (crystalwaters109) : 8/12/2011 2:05:28 PM (GMT-6)

getting by

Forum Moderator

Joined : Sep 2007

Posts : 45296

Posted 8/12/2011 9:05 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Crystalwaters109,

I like your name. And welcome to the depression forum.

The mind is very powerful at protecting us from traumatic experiences. That could be why you can't remember it sometimes. If it were me, I would want to forget it. But that is me. Something so invasive inflicted on us. I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you need closure in order to go on. Have you thought about trying another therapist? You may have just had a bad match. Tthey all have differennt personalities and methods of counseling, I would try talking to another one.

Have you thought about writing the incident down on paper? That could be good therapy. Then put it in a safe place. Once you have done that, it could be possible that you can stop thinking of it so much and get on with your life. There just seems to me to be some significance (sp) of writing something down. But I am a lister too. I write everything down so I don't forget things. And it seems once I write something down, I can forget about it for awhile. I don't have to think about it, and I know I wont forget it because it is written on a piece of paper that I can look at when I need to. Does that even make a bit of sense? I hope so. Because I am not sure.

Try to relax. I know it is hard, maybe some deep breathing exercises. I know what happened to you is traumatic. Were you thinking about pressing charges against him? Or would you rather it left alone and just to move on? What he did to you was wrong. So make sure that you don't blame yourself in any way. Some of us tend to do that. Thinking "I must have done something wrong". Well they didn't. You are a victem. But you don't have to keep going though it. With counseling, you can deal with it, acknowledge it, then put it behind you. So I hope that you give it another try.

I hope that you are feeling better Crystal,

Hugs, Karen

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