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Posted 8/13/2011 6:09 AM (GMT 0)
ive never posted a blog before....anywhere...ever...so bear with me....i just really need to get all this out and onto paper.....i know i will feel so much more free.....plus my parents, sister and few friends i have are sick of hearing about it all....and im sick of complainging to them. :)  i dont even know if this is the right forum.....but ive googled the hell out of this subject and stumbled upon this and felt compelled to just type and type.....regardless...if this is in fact the wrong place for this post i apologize but thank you ahead of time for just letting me rant

so where to start....i was 18 when i was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, depression....they never really could give me a definite diagnosis...and i was put on every med at least once. my first doctor i saw for 5 mins and prescribed me paxil and valium....bad idea. after realizing that those just made things worse...i switched doctors and tried a few different meds over time....and after a few years i hit a point where i felt good. and decided to get off of meds all together. this was about 5 years ago. and i never looked back....i just faught the depression and said i would never let it get the best of me again....well it did.

i am 29, work in the hospitality industry as a manager, consider myself a beautiful person, inside and out. but am lacking in life. my parents just recently moved to fl for good.....i have no other family around in the state now, born and raised here and everyone left. well i moved too a few years ago about an hour north of where i grew up....left all my friends behind. started all over....not knowing anyone. i ended up moving right down the street from one of my old roomates and best friends and this seemed like a great opportuinty to start over because my  new job was right down the street, i had an opportunity to make new friends through my old roomate. but once again everything changed. and i understand that its called life and thigns change but i wasnt changing. everyone and everything else was.......bear with me cause i will tie all this together eventually :)

i work in a career that is very straining on ones personal life, i work long late hours....never have weekends off, never can really request days off, havent called in sick in years, missed my high school reunion because of this, and weddings, family and friends get togethers, baby showers.....life. i consumed myself so much in work that i let everyone slip away....i had no choice at the time....i tried to switch jobs thinking that it would be better at the next place....it wasnt. its gotten worse...i have no life and ive lost all of my friends because of work.....and no one cares. i was popular in high school, had a million friends, lost them all. lost my family to other states.....have no time to go out and make new friends....because i work nights mostly and my two days off a week seem like a trap to schedule anything else....some weeks its mon and wed or tues or thurs.....never weekends....and never two off in a row and never the same every week.....to even take a class or whatever. ive become a boring person that i have no life and no interests and really feel pathetic. and who wants to hang around with that anyways. but im stuck because i live alone and cant afford a lesser paying job....ive been looking though and have not found a thing. IM STUCK.

i havent been dating much because it seems the guys in the area of MA are always onto the bigger better faster thing.....hell GQ just rated us the meanest city in america....speaks for itself. as well as one of the worst areas to pick up men. so ive been on dates yes....i go out and get hit on by creeps all the time. i finally met a guy....first guy i ever approached. handsome as hell. well long story short....we dated off and on for a year up until a week ago. well i shoulda known he was bad news from the get....but i turned a blind eye because he was company...good company at the time. motorcycles, boats...dinners, we hung out every night and i stayed at his place every night for 3 months straight....too much. but he never spoiled me....he paid sometimes, i paid sometimes....it was equal and i was okay w that....but he was shady....and not understanding....and i didnt trust him. i ended up finding out his email and fb password. i know it was wrong but im glad i did. he was picking up woman of all ages races on craigslist...stalking woman on facebook....all the while telling them he had a girlfriend but id never fiind out. sooo much shady stuff. all this after telling me i was the best thing thats happened to him in 10 yrs....he wanted me to move in....i hung out with his family his friends....i made him my life. and he crapted all over it. we broke it off when i finally told him that i caught him and how. we didnt end it nicely....and he never said sorry....always made me feel like evrythign was my fault, he was never ever wrong....he manipulated me. and he doesnt even care or feel bad.....i caught him on it....and he ignored me.....said to just leave him alone and that if i kept it up he would make my life a living hell...... and whats sad is that i would go back to him if he apologized.....because there was a time things were good...for a split second that time was. but he told me he loved me and i was foolish to fall for it....because i so desperately wanted love back in my life and friendship in some way.....

im thinking of moving to florida to be with my family.....there are so many signs telling me to go and to not stay. im lonely as hell. im broken, im so depressed....and i have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to call up and say hey what are u up to tonight lets go out....hell even if i did have a fri or sat off i would have no one to hang out with. im completely alone because i consumed myself with work and with this man.....i made him my everything and i made the wrong choice. its sad. and its quiet. and after working long hours around fake people in the hospitality industry,,,people i cant call my friends because crap im their boss.....its head spinning is what it is.....i just want something....ive made every wrong decision in life that i could possibly make so far. from jobs to men to friends to school to it all. and i have yet to look back and be proud of any accomplishments....or to see any happiness or love in my past or future. the only thing i keep doing is putting one foot in front of the other....because i have to....but i dont want to....because i see myself heading down the same path......i need adivce.....i dont want to run from my problems.....but darnit i need something in life to look forward to...and i dont have one thing....not one thing. its absolutely heartbreaking to me.

im sorry for going on and on.....and talking in cirlces....i guess ive just lost my sense in how to communicate without going overboard......but im lonely and lost and would love advice.....and i hope this is the right place for it....thank u for ur time everyone :)

Posted 8/13/2011 6:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hello

So I can relate a lot to your post. lately I feel like I have no life. And I'm really young. Going to be 19 soon. I have a job that has taken up my whole summer and I spent like almost all the money I made this summer on clothes and who knows what. But anyways, it sounds to me like you should either move to be with your family or find a new job.

Change is always good. I know that when I graduate from college I want to move far away.

I understand and I also feel lonely and lost so don't worry! I lost a chunk of friends this summer and it blows. I know I'm better off without them but I miss having something to do.
Posted 8/13/2011 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for the advice....dont have any regrets....especially if ur 19....i have far too many being 29. i know im better off without the guy i was seeing. but i miss my friends and i wish i never got caught up in work because u should live to work...u should work to live....but i am in too deep for that fix right at this moment. i missed having my friends so much and family that i became desperate to cling to anything....the recent guy being that anything. ive realized that it turns in to hope that anyone will give ou the love that you want...that ur missing from not having good friends or family around. treasure those around u that are worth it. dont let them slip away because of ur own decisions, especailly if theyre the wrong ones. i clung to this man who mind u is 34...but was looking to buy woman....some younger than u...ha....doing all of this while i was sitting right next to him or mins after he told me he loved me....didnt find out about it until later.. but since i lost all my other friends and companions because of work....i became numb to it all. people deserve to be happy and to love and be loved. when u loose that, u try to grab at anything....good or bad. since your young, dont let those close to u who u trust and love slip away so that you end up having no one or nothing...and end up then grabbing for anything. desperation suuuucks and it sucks most to admit to it. for me....moving may be best....piece of mind....surround myself w family since i have a lot of them in fl.....for u....keep ur head up....enjoy being 19....ur gonna end up working the rest of ur life....dont waste all ur time now on a job....ur coming up to the best years of ur life....enjoy em
Posted 8/13/2011 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hello

Gosh, it sounds like you've got so much stuff running around in your head, it must be exhausting and so confusing. You sound like you're quite overwhelmed by it all. It also sounds like you really need to talk to a therapist to help you start to untangle all those feelings you have. I'm so sorry you feel this way as I know how awful it is, I've felt like that in my life also.

I think another thing that might be really good for you is to teach yourself some grounding. Just sitting quietly and not letting all those thoughts start. Have you ever done any grounding or meditation? I never really understood what it was until I tried it. I thought it was airy fairy stuff, but it's basic common sense stuff. Learning to be still and calm. You can get yourself a CD on grounding meditation and teach yourself how to do it. It brings you back to the moment you are in and calms your mind and things may start to fall into place a little better for you.

I hope my advice helps. Just know that you are not alone in this, you are, as you say yourself, just a little stuck in some thought patterns and going around in circles. You have to change something or you may continue like this and I think the grounding could really help.

All the best to you.

Posted 8/13/2011 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum. It does sound like a change in scenery could help you. You sound like you have your head on straight. Don't go back to that guy, you deserve better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/15/2011 11:09 AM (GMT 0)
I really understand you and I think the best you can do is go where your family is and never again separate from them. In this case, family and friends are the best help and you want to be around them bc you will need them.
You will need to forget that guy and don't even try to go find somebody else there where you are. You have depression problems, the first thing you have to do to go back live your normal life its to have a strong base-environment and I hope that you will find being close to your family.
I'm sorry if I'm wrong, I forget I come from a different culture, maybe the family it's not a big thing how it's for us. Here in America people get frustrated if you are 20 years old and still living with their parents. Maybe that's why this society it's so F! Btw, I'm from South America and I regreat so much moving to the US leaving behind everything I had in special my family. In my case I know what I need to do but it's difficult.
My husband works in the hospitality industry, never a weekend off, work many hours, just like you. Yes, I have a husband somebody to talk to! It isn't that easy, he isn't a very talkative person and I'm! When he comes home from work all he does is watch tv.... I'm sorry I'm here to give you support and some advises, not to stress you even more with my BS! I'm going to start my own forum about my dilemma ;).

Sorry for my English (it could be better if I can get to practice more with my husband)
Posted 8/15/2011 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tristegirl,

Do feel free to start your own thread and tell us something about yourself. We would love to get to know you better.

HUgs, Karen
Posted 8/15/2011 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
well i had just typed out a long response to all of these comments and of course when i hit send i deleted it all. lol

thank you all so much for your kind words. i appreciate it all more than you will ever know. having forums like these really are such a help, getting opinions from a different perspective.

my head is on straight.....but it is still running in circles as far as confusion and regrets are concerned. the paths that i have chosen in my life have never turned out to be the right ones. ive always been the kind of person to see the good in others and in situations.....made excuses for those who are covered in red flags or for the paths that are as well. thinking that it will all work out for the best. but ive come to the realization that i cant make excuses any more and my decision making skills need to get better. i do need my family....they are my anchor to life. and not having them around is not the way i want to spend the rest of my life. as much as i love boston.....it is not me. this city will chew u up and spit u out if you cannot keep up. the city has turned me into a person i do not like....bitter and brash. because the people here i have realized are only out for themselves....and in turn will use others to get what they want. it is a trend boston keeps up with very well. as for the ex.....i know in my heart of hearts to stay away. it is hard because he showed me a side of boston i never thought i would see....both good and bad. with all his fancy toys i experienced the views of boston others will never get a chance to see. but he also showed me that i was not the only one getting these views from him.....he was a manipulative man who broke my heart. i invested my everything into him....would have given him the world....but i was so niave to think he wouldve given it back to me....even though he told me he wouldve....the characters in the area are very two faced. it is sad to tell u the truth. and my mother and father did not raise me to treat others this way......i refuse to conform to the ways of the area just to fit in. the whole situation is a shame.

since my head is doing circles.....i still do know what i need to do. live my life. im on the verge of sinking into the depression i was once in....but i refuse....im still clinging to the idea that i deserve a good life. everyone does!!!!! EVERYONE deserves to love and be loved....but i can no longer hope for everyone else....i cannot take on other peoples problems and make them my own, and fix their problems. i have to look out for me. with yoga and meditation i think that is a wonderful idea. even though my patience is very thin......it may work wonders for me.

thank you all for your advice.....i greatly appreciate it. and i needed to hear that it was okay to make the move to my parents....that im not crazy for doing it....that im not crazy for thinking the way i am or feeling the way i am. its funny i dislike technology greatly.....ie twitter, facebook ( they have been the demise of many of my relationships....as well as society i believe) but there are many wonderful things that have been born out of technology.....this forum being one of them. thank you for being so kind as to take time out of ur lives to help with adivce :)
Posted 8/15/2011 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
HI Dbs2010,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are comfortable with your decision. It sounds like you are very confident with it and that is good. Do you have any jobs lined up for when you get to your parents? Are you going to live with them until you get on your feet? It is comforting to know that you can go back and start your life over so to speak. You are fortunate in that respect.

I find this forum a lucky place to have found. I love the way that the members share and support eachother. This really is a good place to come. Please do keep us posted on what is going on and how you are doing. When do you expect to move? Let us know. I hope that this brings you strength and happiness.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/15/2011 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
Im glad you are making a decision before it's too late. I'm kind in the same situation you are right now. But for me seems to be a little bit late. You are so lucky you found out that about this guys. I married a great man but I don't know if the problem was me from the beginning or him or the differences in the cultures or the way we are or me being so faraway from the support of my family. It is not working... I need a best friend besides me and not a robot :(. The thing is we had a baby and now it's just to late to move out. I don't have anybody here I don't even have a job!! Anyway short story, I came to find out I shouldn't never leave my family and go so faraway. I'd been depress or bipolar since I was 17 years old. Im a weak person!!and I need my family for everything. How in the world I thought I'll be able to start a life so far... Blah...blah... (This is not my forum ;))
Good luck with what you decide to do.
Posted 8/15/2011 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Tristegirl,

You are not a weak person. You are just in a tough situation. You can move ahead. I suggest starting counseling. In order to find yourself again and then make some decisions. Nobody wants to be in an unhappy relationship. You can have a good life. Talk to somebody professional and see where you stand in things.

Keep posting, and know we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
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