On Edge

I posted a while back about having relationship issues and stuff going on at home that was interfering with my life. Well, that stuff is still going on. I'm anxious, depressed, scared, and also in pain due to physical problems.

I am feeling very hopeful about going back to school next week, (I'm in college), because I really want to keep busy and have stuff to do besides just being surrounded by all the drama and yelling. So I was feeling sorta optimistic about that.

Then my estranged brother calls. He's an alcoholic who has been arrested for DUIs and Assault, and he also is wanted for child support in several states due to him having, like, 12 kids whom he never sees. I grew up with him as a big brother, someone I looked up to, never knowing all of this was going on. He's much older than me, by 20+ years. Now that I am an adult, and I have found out first hand about who he really is--a sociopath and addict who plays on people's emotions--I have ceased all contact with him. He'll call now and then, usually when he wants to ask my dad for money, or when he is in jail.

Well today, he called and left a message saying that if I didn't answer the phone, even though he is in Florida he had the means to come up here and 'kick my ass'. He screamed to answer the **** phone, and before he hung up he said that I was asking for it, so now he's coming up here.

I doubt he'd really do anything to me, but it sickened me and deeply upset me. So my anxiety is very bad today, and my depression is really flaring up.

My boyfriend is also having mental issues and pretty much taking them out on everyone else. I'm just so tired of it all. :(

My boyfriend just had a blow up again. Screaming, slamming things, insisting that everyone hates him and that everyone is out to get him. All I want to calmness, so I don't feel like I have to make my day revolve around his illness. I have my own problems too, but he hardly ever takes mine into consideration.

He didn't even ask about how I was today. I told him my nerves were pretty bad today, and I was about to explain why--mostly due to my brother's call--but then he finished my sentence with, "Well if they are, it's your own fault." and threw the pillow on the couch next to me, ran upstairs and slammed the door.

I called his mother, and the only advice she could give me would be to call the hospital and see if it had a psych ward. But that requires him signing himself in--and to him, he isn't the one causing the problem---its everyone else. Everyone is out to get him, everyone is keeping him from being happy or being normal. He says he shouldn't even exist.

I'm so upset. I talked with my dad, crying. My boyfriend is upstairs in our study with the door shut tight. He said he didn't want anyone to ever speak to him, look at him, laugh around him, or anything unless absolutely necessary.

At this point I feel like he needs to go to a hospital. I don't want to abandon him because I LOVE him. Inside he's a little boy who never had a chance to have a real family, who never got the love he deserved. Now, when he has a chance at that family--with someone who accepts his past and is trying to help him...he treats me like crap. :(

If I abandon him, he'll probably just self destruct anyhow. It kills me. But at the same time, I can't do this. I have my own mental problems I deal with every day. I have fought for years to get better, to get to a point where I am in control of my mental health. Then stuff like this comes up--needless conflict--and I feel years of pain, sadness, and anger just well up. Now I am thinking of everything now. How he treats me. How my dad lives his life. How my mother--the one I counted on most--is gone forever. I'm not comparing my life to his, but the fact is that I have worked for years against this mental illness. I know the damage it causes to yourself and others. But the key was that I TRIED to get better. I became involved in my own welfare. He is still at the stage of blaming everyone else for just not 'understanding' him.

I'm sick to my stomach. Crying. I took my xanax, but I am shaking.

In truth, I am also sorta scared that he may become physically violent. Right now he has no real place to go, and I sorta don't either. We live with my dad, but we can't just kick him out the door and say good riddance. He never is thankful for the things he does have, only angry for the things he can't have.

I'm trying to calm down, before I start to spiral and need to call the crisis hotline myself. :(

karen makes good sense about having a plan. keep safe, jamie

One thing that you can't do is take responsibility for other peoples depression. Try to focus on your own. I know that you feel that in some way that you have to keep control of everything, but that isn't your job. You need to try to relax and let things happen and then deal with them. If not, this is going to become a huge mental drain on you. I think that you have a good plan. And I am happy that he has an appointment. Just hang in there. Don't project trouble. It comes soon enough. But I am glad that you and your father do have a plan.

Take care, take it one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen

Going to school (starting classes) could be a good distraction for you. If you can keep your mind on your courses. Practice that and put your all into it when it starts. Don't let the problems at home get in your way. I hope he doesn't have any outbursts before he sees the doc. I know it is hard for you. You can never tell what to expect. I really feel badly for you being around that makes us so nervous. It is difficult, I know.

Try to be in the quiet to strengthen yourself. Do you do any meditation? It really helps. Try to hang in there. That is all you can really do. Soon this appointment will come up and hopefully he will get on some medication that will calm him down.

Hugs, Karen