I Hit a [Padded] Wall

Make the phone call to your parents, you are not failing or a failure. You are struggling with a condition and sometimes we need help from other people, I'm sure your parents needed help at one stage with 1 form or another.
I do feel you, I'm also having problems finding work and yes it does get depressing but you just have to remind yourself that it wont be like this forever. 1 way or another, your survival instincts will kick in and you will go out and do something about it.
Pick up the phone and call your parents is my advice and explain to them what you are going through, forget the lease, I'm sure there is a way to break the contract especially if your going through financial hardship.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to go back to your parents, I infact know what you mean and I'm 27 still living with daddy. Morally you need to make the right decision whether you think you will fail or not, you can still make up for it later in life it's no big deal and I doubt your parents will think such a thing.
You need to get ontop of this acne and gain your confidence back, forget about job interviews for now, apply for 1 job a day and of something happens then cool, if not well you can have more time getting yourself back into shape.

Good Luck and I hope you make a decision that is going to help you, your only on a lease and not a mortgage so don't worry about it.

Thanks for letting me know about the Effexor. I didn't know that; my doctor only made a point of telling me to titrate off the lithium, not the Effexor. That probably is adding to my depressive symptoms.

I know it's stupid, but I still haven't mustered up the courage to talk honestly with my parents. Family has been calling me and I've been crying. I'm afraid that if I call anyone I'll break down. I don't want anyone to hear or see me right now. If they knew how bad things were, I would be in the hospital.

My face still looks gross, so I don't want to leave the house. I am also so depressed that I don't want to shower and can't get the energy to clean anything. I just lay in bed and cry.

There's one friend, a boy, who I have seen for the past few weekends. Honestly, the thought that he might see the state of things here has been my major impetus in weeks past to spend Fridays hurriedly cleaning up. Even that impulse is gone this week. I also buy food just for appearances. I don't like living like this, but don't know what to do to change it. I know I need my parents' help, but I can't bring myself to call them. I keep telling myself 'maybe tonight', 'maybe tomorrow'... but I know that I'm just putting it off. If I could just pack a bag and leave, I would already be gone. I just don't know what to do about breaking my lease. Or getting furniture back to family members I borrowed it from.

I do feel like I failed. Everyone assumed I would be here temporarily, and I was. Am. I don't know anymore. I just feel like I'm in so deep that things will always be this crummy.

Karen - Sorry I am so scatterbrained. I don't think I mentioned how I am paying for things. My grandma died in October of 2010, and left her granddaughters some money. I was living off that until recently, when my dad told me he would 'help float me' until I found a job. I have been looking for work (not this week, but that's another story), but have had no job offers - just lots of interviews. The family that I borrowed stuff from lives locally. One of my aunts actually lives just down the road. My apartment is disgusting, so I haven't seen anyone in a while; I don't want anyone to know *how* bad things are. I am not currently working, sorry I should have cleared that up. I got hired in May to work for an insurance marketer; the money was amazing, they paid for a bus pass, they had full benefits. I got fired exactly a week later. The only explanation they gave me was that it "wasn't a good match". Then why hire me in the first place?! I've been (more) depressed since then because I had another job offer at the exact same time that I (obviously) turned down to take the better paying job. I keep kicking myself and thinking 'what if?' ... so yeah. That's pretty much what's been going on. I don't spend a lot of money. I haven't gone shopping in months, I'm not eating very much - so I really am only feeling guilty about making my dad pay for rent. I keep meaning to read up on Washington state landlord-tenant law to see if there's a clause about what happens if I'm chronically unemployed, but I've been too sick. The landlord seems perfectly reasonable, and it's in his best interest to have the apartment rented, so I think that if I went to him and told him my situation (maybe not go into *too* much detail) he would understand and we could work something out.

Sue - you said everything I needed to hear. Spot on. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it makes me feel a little less crazy knowing that someone else out there thinks I shouldn't - or physically/mentally can't - study right now. I just called my mom and she told me she would talk to my dad and call me back tonight. We'll see how that goes.

In answer to your questions, I am taking Lithium because anti-depressants haven't worked in the past. I went to college for four years and tried - through University Health Service - every drug under the sun. There's no reliable record of this happening, and I'm not really sure if I was on all of them long enough for them to become effective, so when I see a new doc (there have been a lot) I'm never really sure where to start my story. Some docs have suspected that I might be (?) bipolar, so Lithium was sort of a last-ditch resort. The Effexor was for my depression - but it's been months and I really was feeling worse. Or at least was not feeling any better.

Thank you for saying that you were reflecting my thoughts back to me. What you said didn't scare me; in fact, it made me feel a whole heck of a lot better! You're right. I know you're right. Everything you said is what I'm thinking, but don't want to admit to myself. It doesn't seem true until someone else verifies it. You made me think a lot clearer and made my thought processes seem a lot more logical. I'm just worried because my mom is trying to get me to stay out here. My dad is a little more understanding/supportive, so maybe if they talk to each other they'll have something supportive to say when they call at 5... we shall see.

Thank you both for your support and well wishes. It's really good to know that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and that there are other people out there who understand what I'm going through. I can't tell you how invaluable that is.

So I talked to my dad earlier and now I really feel bad. I feel like I've scared my mom away. She's depressed too, and has been since I can remember. For years she's just been on the same medicine, and hasn't been seeing anyone on a regular basis. She told me the other day that she started seeing someone after I left, and I feel like it's my fault. My bad choices and my being selfish and my draining their resources made her depressed again. She didn't need to see anyone when my sister moved out, why does she need to now? Probably because I'm threatening to move back in, which is neither here nor there.

My dad and his family are very much the sweep everything under the rug type. Nothing gets talked about - especially mental health. Even though my mom's been on Zoloft forever, my dad didn't believe in medicine. Then I went to the hospital. Now I feel like a jerk, because I feel like I disappointed him. I've only ever seen him cry twice in my life: when his dad died and when I was involuntarily committed. I forget what my point was - just that it's past midnight and I'm still wide awake. I'm freaked out about everything. I want to go home so badly. I know that school would be a terrible idea right now, but part of my brain, for whatever dumb reason, is still saying "you can do it. go, go". It's stupid. My dad told me today that I have to be comfortable in my decisions. This really struck a chord with me because I feel like that's the key. I'm not. I feel like I make the decisions I'm "supposed" to make, not the ones I want to. I want to go home, but it's so far away and complicated. As stupid as this sounds, I feel like I would be letting everyone down. Even though I know no one cares. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone knew it would happen eventually. If I break my lease, I'm letting the landlord down. If I leave the west coast, I'm selfish because I'm doing what my friend can't. He's wanted to leave for awhile, but can't get a transfer to the east coast before January. He told me that he wouldn't be upset if I left and that I should "get out of here", but I feel like he only said that because he wants to leave so badly too. All in all it's just a really depressing situation. I'm clinging to this boy for all the wrong reasons. If I'm being totally honest with myself, part of my moving out here was because he lived here and I had a crush on him. Awful. Nothing is healthy in my life. I've never been this depressed before. Every day is like moving through sludge. Every hour feels like three. I lose track of time. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I haven't left my dark apartment in four days even though I need food. I'm at my wits' end. Sorry, I didn't mean to write a book here -

Bottom line: I'm freaking out.

getting by said...
ou are making a decision, not committing a crime. Go easy on yourself. ... Keep trying. That is the best we can do.

I couldn't have asked for nicer words, Karen. Thank you. It's kind of funny that you phrased it like that; my dad is a judge and he said something similar to me on the phone yesterday. I do feel like I'm letting people down, but at the same time I know that that's a ridiculous thing to think. I haven't been here *that* long, and obviously life goes on with or without me here.

I'm pretty sure I missed delivery of a book I ordered online (from France, no less!) today because I'm afraid of my doorbell. The last two times I've gone up to answer it, it's been the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses, and I feel bad because both times I pretended like I was home sick. I never feel clean or ready to be seen in public when people ring my doorbell, so I've stopped answering. That said, what if I had a job? I wouldn't be home at this hour. I want my book! Grrr. I haven't been upstairs yet to see if they left it anyway. Why would they need a signature for a book? Weird.

Is it bad that even though I know getting in the shower, getting dressed, and getting things done today is the logical option I still can't bring myself to do it? This might be TMI, but I haven't been out of my tiny apartment in a few days, I haven't showered, and there's like zero food in my kitchen. On a sane level I know I have to get food, return my videos to the library, and pick up a prescription (nothing to do with the depression and non-urgent), but on a depressed level I can't. It doesn't make sense and I know it, but I just can't. I have this overwhelming feeling of 'what's the point?' running through me. I actually think things like "I can go until tomorrow morning without getting food" (I really can't; there's two Poptarts left, and some oatmeal, but I can't even get it together to do the dishes). What is wrong with me?! Even thinking about showering, one of the most basic things ever, makes me anxious. ?

Like I said, the only reason I've felt the need to clean my apartment is when the boy comes over. It's really bad. I buy groceries and clean up and pretend that that's how it always looks. I try to put on this brave face because I don't want people - especially this boy - to know how bad things are. SueTho, I think this goes along with what you said: he's too young to help, even if he wanted to. I've been completely* honest with him, I think in a subconscious effort to scare him away, but he's still my friend. *I say completely, but I have left out the extent of my depression. He knows I take medication and that I see a pdoc, but you're right. I haven't mentioned that I am afraid to shower, go outside, answer my door, etc. Is it too cliché to say that a past boyfriend and my dad have ruined everything for future guys? I feel like I always expect unconditional love, but forget that most people aren't going to love me "no matter what".

Sorry. I don't know where I was going with this. Just that I'm frustrated with and mad at myself. It's like I'm a drug addict; I know what I'm doing is unhealthy and 'wrong', but I can't clean up my act. I felt accomplished yesterday just for throwing out gross trash and taking out the recycling. This is not good.

In my defense, my apartment has horrible cell phone reception (you have to stand on a chair next to a specific window, and even then the call drops a lot) - but still I know it's unhealthy to isolate myself and not call people back. My friend from back home keeps calling me and I feel so awful I haven't called her back. I don't talk to anyone because I'm afraid I'll burst into tears. I've never felt this awful, and I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to know how bad I feel, so it's sort of a catch-22. I want to just sleep all the time, assuming that when I wake up it'll be better. Problem is, I can't know that it will be. Mornings have actually been worse for me, is that weird? I don't know. I just feel like I'm in so deep - I can't even perform basic functions. The library is only a few blocks from my apartment. Taking back my videos would mean dropping them in a slot. It's not the time it would take to do it that scares me, it's the effort, the being outside, I don't know. Same with groceries. All of a sudden it seems like a Sisyphean task - oh, that's not the one I mean, although I guess it's kind of applicable considering I don't really enjoy food so why keep spending money on it. You know what I mean. I feel like everything takes a huge effort all of a sudden. I feel like I have no purpose, and it doesn't feel very good. It's almost noon and I have already given up. I've actually considered renewing items online for the library so I don't feel guilty. What is wrong with me?!

The feeling like I'm missing out on things is what really gets me. Even when I get out and do things, I feel depressed. I know it might sound stupid, but I stayed in bed (for all intents and purposes) for a few days. I felt terrible. I still do. But I had this idea that if I got up and did something outside I would feel better. I went today to the public market, and walked around in the sun for awhile. I came home and I've never felt worse. What is wrong with me?! I'm too old to be thinking/saying "I want my mom", but that's all I keep saying to myself. I get this awful lump in my throat and... I've never even cried like this before. I'm crying so hard it hurts. I can barely breathe and - I just want to go home. I don't have a job here, I don't have friends... I like the boy for all the wrong reasons. When I'm with him, I'm happy - but I feel like it's only because I'm not alone anymore. I'm too old to go home again. I just feel like this is what being an adult is about and I can't hack it. I want my mommy...

BlueMoon, I understand how you feel. Knowing things need to be done but can't bring yourself to do them. I understand the crying too. Hope you feel better soon.

Would it be so bad if you did go home? Don['t think of it as failing, think of it as taking a break. Maybe just until you can get on your feet again. It probably isn't like anybody is going to say "I told you so" is it? I ended up having to go back home for awhile to get some help, but then continued on. Sometimes things just don't happen in our timeframe and we have to adjust things to come out the way that we wanted them to. It is just a change in plans.

I sure do hope that you feel better soon. Keep trying, never give up. But don't keep your feelings so bottled up. Do you have a counselor that you can talk to? I can't remember. I highly recommend that for you. They will help you with a plan for success.

Take care, Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks, StillMe. I wish us peace and comfort as well...

I went to my pdoc yesterday, and now I really don't know what to do. I live by myself (in a crappy basement apartment), so I feel like when I see him I'm totally different than I usually am. I have someone to talk to, so my mood is totally different. He never sees the real me, and now I'm worried I won't be able to get it together to move. I don't see him for another week, and I'm still withdrawing from drugs. Blurgh.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I know what it feels like to wear a mask every day - it's not easy. I hope you find a way to find the meds you need and I hope your doc helps when you do see him/her.