Posted 9/7/2011 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
Today was one of the worst days of my life. I don't even want to tell you how much it took me to even get here. I don't know how I am even able to write this right now; I'm bawling my eyes out. I have very little food in my apartment, but today I mustered the energy to make some noodles. Somehow I managed to scald both my hands. They feel OK now - I've put cold water and bandages on them and actually put winter mittens on them - but I wasn't able to salvage the noodles. My bed is dirty, I'm dirty - and yet I can't get up. I haven't showered in a couple days, I haven't brushed my teeth. I feel awful. There's a boy who I've been seeing, but because he works 9-5 in the next town over, we only see each other on weekends. I'm pretty sure he has an idea of how unhappy I am, but doesn't know the extent of my depression. I feel like I'm lying to him. I never have groceries in the house when he comes over, so the last couple weeks we've gone to the store together, which is nice, but I feel like he doesn't get that I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't been here. Monday through Friday I sit, dirty, in my bed and cry. I try not to hurt myself. I cry some more. I eat if there's food in my apartment, and I try not to think about food if there isn't. I get up to go to the bathroom, but that's it. Some days I don't even walk into the living room, which is only a few feet away. There are dirty dishes in my sink. I know it's illogical to not wash them, but I can't. I just sit and stare at the walls of my bedroom. Or I watch horrible television shows. I feel like I'm wasting my life, but I don't know what to do. I talked to my Dad and we decided that I should stay here until the end of October, and then I will come back and live with my parents until I get on my feet. The only problem is I don't know if I can last that long. I wanted to leave sooner, but I talked to the boy I've been seeing and, I'm not really sure how, he convinced me to stay longer. This is so pointless! We're going to "break up" or whatever when I leave, so what the heck is the point?! All we do on the weekends is keep each other company. I'm sad, he's sad. We sit and watch movies in my dark, depressing apartment. That's what I do during the week anyway because I can't get a job. I can't get a job because I'm depressed. I feel sick and dirty. I don't even shower except on the days that I see my pdoc (tomorrow, thank the Lord!) and days when the boy is here. If it weren't for him, I don't know what I would do, but I realize even while I write this that that is the most unhealthy thing of all. I can't do this to him. Do I tell him this? Do I admit how unhappy/depressed I am? That I sit in my own filthy bed for days and cry my eyes out? That I don't get dressed except when he's here? What do I do? It's never been this bad. If I tell him the truth, he'll stop seeing me and I'll truly be alone. I want my parents' help, but I don't want to lose the man I love either. But it's inevitable. It's not so serious that we'll keep "dating" (if you can call it that) when I go back home. I'm too depressed to keep living by myself. It's unsafe. I feel sick. Sick, disgusting, dirty, depressed. I don't even know if I can make it to my appt. tomorrow. I can't get out of bed. HELP