i need to rant
well feeling awful today, havent really been out of bed(the kids have been asleep at the same time) not really been to sleep just couldnt get up. havent seen boyf for 2 days ***head he came up about an hour ago, but i wouldnt let him in the house, i had already bagged his clothes so just dropped the bag out of the window. he spent about an hour banging on doors and windows trying to break in with a spade and talking crap. the usual - druggy, insane, loopy, telling me i have no family/friends that will look after me and that he is going to get me kicked out of the house and take the kids off of me.he says it wont be hard now that ive been arrested and that im on anti-dep. this worries me as hes probably right about what he says. god if any one takes my kids i wont have anything left worth existing for, if that happened i would just let go.
what do i do? I feel so selfish, my family is breaking apart and its all my fault if i was a better/stronger person and deal with everday life things wouldnt be the way they were its my fault that im not trying to make things better its my fault that im behaving the way i am. ive brought this all on myself and now ive got to deal with the consequences of breaking my family up. 
i feel so sad right now and worried about the future it all seems so sad. they say that if it is depression then it will eventually lift these tablets will start working and ill be able to start dealing with things better. nothing like that seems to be happening this is my 5th week on anti dep and its still going down hill. i dont know what to do i feel hopeless and helpless especially about the kids. pathetic really!
oh well there is still tomorrow maybe that will be better