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Posted 9/20/2011 7:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm new. I'm an 18 year old girl, and I think I am in the beginning stages of depression, if not already depressed. I can't sleep lately- I just stay up all night and think and cry. I don't see the point in my life. I can't think of a time in my life I'ver ever felt happy. I know that sounds like a massive exaggeration, but  I've thought it through and I do mean it. It's as if apathy is all I've known since I was young. I feel like life is passing me by so fast--I've wasted it so far. I appear as a nervous and awkward kind of person. I also have this horrible sort of obsession with self-analysis. But I can't stop it. I am probably too aware... I always try to make sure the way I'm talking is okay, make sure my walk and movements don't appear awkward, make sure I have not said anything that would be considered "socially incorrect." And it doesn't help that I have a mother who has been pointing out every flaw of mine since I was young. It hurts when it's coming from your mom, since mothers are supposed to nurture. The only kind of nurturing she has ever done for me is the physical kind--buying me food, which she only does because she has to. Not to say that I blame her for all my problems.

I don't know what to say. I think I was always working on myself and trying to change things that just couldn't be changed... and now I'm tired. I feel empty, worthless, incompetent, incapable, not talented, not attractive, lonely, and isolated. The only good thing about me is that I have a good heart. Everything else about me is just... wrong. What can I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Posted 9/20/2011 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Try to relax with yourself. You sound very self critical and maybe it is because your mom critisizes you. Give yourself a chance to just be you. And like that person for who she is. We are all special and unique in our own way. You have to accept yourself for who you are and be happy with that. So what if you are a little awkward??? That is okay. Just walk like you normally walk and talk like you normally talk. You wont feel so stressed in social situations. Be you. You are a fine person with a good heart.

Do you go to any type of counseling? It would help you with your self esteem. Most of us go and it helps us. There is nothing wrong with seeing one and it could really help you. Accept yourself for you. You are a special person in your own way. Don't let your mom get you down. Not all mothers are nurtuting. But when you have children in the future, I bet you will be. Just because your mother wasn't to you. My mom was like that. I never did have any children because she poisoned my mind about it, but I do have grandchildren through marriage and I totally love them. So it worked out for me. But I often wonder what it would have been like. Would I have been able to do it??? So get your poop in a group and see a counselor and start your healing journey. Or talk to a good friend. Somebody you can trust.

Know that you are normal. Going though normal things. But a little encouragement never hurts anybody.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/20/2011 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I realized that my mom always seemed disappointed in me, I never lived up to her standards, no warm and fuzzies there. It is very hard, but all that criticism comes from her not being happy with herself.

Karen is righ about counseling-iti is so important to not feel alone. You are 18, I hope you can spread your wings soon and fly away. Good luck

Maggie
Posted 9/20/2011 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wooden.  Welcome to our Healing Well forum.  Believe it or not, but I think it is a really good thing that you have recognized these feelings and can articulate them so well.  That means you already have a good grasp of "who" you are.

I am in my 40's right now and I felt many of the same things you described at your age and I wish I had worked on them sooner.  But I guess what is important is that we work on them when we know we are ready.   The suggestions you received above about trying therapy are important for you to look into.  My therapist describes therapy as "an investment in yourself". 

While you are an adult at 18, you still have a full life ahead of you and you can learn how to love yourself and gain self-confidence with the guidance of a supportive therapist.

We are here for you in this forum as well.  Feel free to keep posting.

Cass

 

Posted 9/22/2011 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys so much for the sweet and helpful answers. I cannot see a doctor because I don't have health insurance, and I can't afford to see a counselor even once. However, I am happy to report that I'm feeling a little bit better. I sort of feel like I am blessed in that I can take care of myself usually, and pick myself up when I am down... even if it takes a bit long sometimes.

And I know that I posted this on a bad day... C'est la vie - some days are better than others I suppose.

Thanks again Karen, Chansull, and Cass. You all seem like really lovely people : )

P.S. Today I made someone smile. It felt good lol. I think that alone has got to make me valuable or useful in some way..

Posted 9/22/2011 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
Woodenrosary,

I am happy that you are having a better day today. And I really liked reading that you felt good making somebody smile. I think we all strive for that. Gratitude. I am so happy that you had a good day and I hope it continues.

Do keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
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