lies

I'm new here. And I'm desperate. I feel so sick of myself. As I type this I'm struggling to tell the truth...struggling to decipher what is the truth of me and what are the lies. I've been a compulsive liar for years. For as long as I can remember, really. I have no reason to lie, but I do. I can't stand it. And there have been days when I try to tell the truth. Ad it never lasts. I'm the ugliest person inside. I have the worse personality. All I do is think negatively of people and lie. That's it. I'm hideous on the outside. Marked by a face that mirrors my insides. I can't see myself being truly happy....I can, but would that be true happiness?More than anything happiness is what I want. To wake up and feel light, both physically and mentally. I can't even commit to anything. All I do is set goals and never meet them. Then hate myself when I don't, even then I should know better than to make a promise to myself. It's so tiring being me. I only have one friend. One. And I lie to him constantly. He doesn't know that I have an online dating account and would laugh at me and tear me down if I do. I'm only 17 but see the attention from older men. And trap them, by telling them I'm 19. Then make up lies about how clearly amazing I am. But they're just lies. I'm the most boring person. I hate everyone. I'm awkward. I'm crap. All I am is a tub of lies inside a horrendous, clumsy, gluttonous body. I hate myself. And I do want to love myself, but HOW?! How can I love a worthless piece of crap like me? Everything I used to be good at, I now suck at. I used to be the fastest person on my team, now I'm getting beaten by, not only guys but girls as well. I used to be good at instruments. Now I am crap. I can't ****ing write. All I can do is eat. And sit on the internet all day, looking through people's facebook pictures and wishing I were them. I would ask why me? Why do I have to be ugly? Why can't I be perfect? It's because I deserve it. I really do. I deserve all the crap I get. So I can't honestly be mad.

I don't know how you got so down on yourself. But realize, people like different things. What you find unattractive about yourself, another person might find that to be attractive. You just have a very bad self image and that can be changed. We are all special and unique in our own ways. And you are too. I hope we can help you to see that. Don't be so down on yourself all the time. You aren't even giving yourself a chance. Counseling would help you see yourself differently. I hope you try it.

Hugs, Karen

help is just so far away. my family seriously can't afford it. i'm going to try to see if there's anyone i can talk to. i only trust one adult and i can't tell him because i know he'll be so disappointed in me. and he's the only adult that believes in me. it just sucks. like, he's such an awesome person i couldn't tell him the truth because he'd be disgusted with who i am. he thinks i'm some wonderful, smart, student and i'm not. i'm stupid and lazy. and lethargic. i don't know. maybe i will but most likely i won't be able to afford to seek counseling. and nothing really offset this. i've always known how pathetic i am. i've always been called ugly i just am now coming to terms with it. i'm learning to accept it though. for every beautiful, happy, smart person there's me. the ugly, depressed, dumb person. for every beginning there's an end. for every white there's a black.