oh well

oh well. mental illness and illnesses suck. have been since i was very young, mentally unwell that is. and i have my reasons of which i have worked through, but still come up from time to time. i don't know at the moment, people are the same with me, but you get that, we all do. time is a mongrel of a thing. memories are beautiful and heartbreaking, i have lost so many. i am far from perfect, but i am a compassionate man and see myself as a decent bloke to my friends and family. i look after every bugger, i am everyones darn therapist!!!! being a qualified counsellor don't help!!!!! no it is fine. everyone needs support, regardless of the situation / predicament.

 

this newish dx of rapid cycling bi-polar disorder is one doozy of a condition. it rattles you and affects you in so many ways, and it's effects are plain debilitating. the depression with crashing is brutal, and depression is something i know well. the thing with rapid cycling bi-polar disorder is you don't know what is coming next. it stuffs up relations big time. something i have found out. and this sucks big time. i love people and i am a people person, but because of this i am reclusive.

 

i challenge and work on all of my conditions, many have been psych, others haven't. but i have been through some personal hell due to something non psych related at that time; and from this i have been stuffed in the head since. i am not about to tell you my life story, i remember giving a very candid first post when i came here to my hw family. i guess i am just transfering some chaos and writing it down in a healthy way; for as i said in a post on bp, i feel like smashing myself. i am angry at the levels of impairment i have had over the journey and everything i have done to combat it. geez i have seen everyone and done most things. i just wish the world would cut me some slack. i know you guys are doing it tough and i thank you for your cointinued support.. and i hope i am there for you too.

 

we are all beautiful people. we all live with a depressive illness. as my mum says, this is you, but it is not you. i just don't beleive in myself at this time. by geez i am trying. my shrink calls me complex.......not jamie. lol. in there is me. the fun loving, happy people person whom enjoys others and life. i want to liberate him. he is getting deeper in the muck, and i am very worried that he will not be able to saved. i am tired, and tired from the day but from existance. it has been a life at a million miles an hour.

i don't know. and i am trying not to know. as people say i am getting too old for this ****!!!!!

 

luv you all. with much healing compassion to you all.

for karen. thx................

thank you maggie................with much healing compassion 2 you. going to bed. nearly midnight.

Good morning, Jamie, have a good night's rest last night?  (Wrong

question; I just read your update post after writing this!  Sorry about

the eye thing.)

I suppose we all have to keep chipping away at that overly strong
conscience we have that wants to take a whack at us now and then. One day we will free that little child within: the loving, open, playful, wonderful person that we are all meant to be.

Why we had to be born with so much room in our brains for that
strong conscience is something I don't yet understand, but I do know
that the moments when the little child within is in control of things,
the sunny side comes shining through.

Hope your day will be one of shining through.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 9/23/2011 8:47:43 AM (GMT-6)

Oh, my gosh, Maggie, how did I do that?

I.G.

Beautiful, Maggie,

If we can just keep that image and know that the precious little one inside is protected so fully and cared for so genuinely by powers we
know very little about, enjoyment of that wonderful world may still
be possible in a mature way.

I.G.

thx sweptaway and you all. jamie.

Jamiee, your writing is so expressive. I am sorry you have to go through this. Because you are already in pain - and I know you want to know what happened- I want you to stay protected from those memories if they are going to cause you to hurt more.

The inner child reference in some of the posts struck a chord with me. Throughout this sad state I have had this vision or feeling. Inside I feel like a little child, crouching afraid in a corner. As each day would come that little child would shrink back further and further. I was losing me. I felt that I would continue to cower until I was no more. Now I am looking for that happy inner child.

Jamiee as always, praying for your healing.

Hey jamie
I won't pretend to understand that darkness-I was blessed with a happy childhood, mine started going downhill when I was 13. I know the darkness is to protect you but sometimes the only way to get rid of the monsters is to turn on the light and chase them off...are you ready to face those monsters? I think I would ultimately want to know. Is there someone who can help you get there in a safe way?

Prayers for you to feel the light

Maggie

Just an fyi,

There is a book called "Healing the Child within" It is a very good b ook if anybody needs.

Hugs, Karen

I agree with Maggie. I know understanding leads to healing. Just want u to be safe. Glad you have someone that can help you. And you know I am always in your corner.

too much on my mind. have cleaned the house all day and most of the night. probably will keep going. i don't know at this time. need to have a deep and meaningful with myself, yeah i am very depressed and for many reasons. i know to well that others to are suffering, hence i am trying to be mindful. i don't know. i don't know. kind of sucks really. jamie

Thank you Jamie...

You write so interesting things. Thank you... NOt typing too well yet this morning.

Take care, and keep sharing with us.

Hugs, Karen