Dealing with divorce that i do not wont!

I know it is hard when you have to change your life and not be witht he one that you love. I am sorry that your wife has changed. I think that you have been given good advice to put yourself into something else at this time. It would take your mind off of things and give you a break. I understand that it is hard to go on when you are use to being with somebody all of the time. But you could still be friends. Try really hard to do that. Her feelings might change again some day. Not saying that they will, but it isn't impossible. As long as you can remain friends.

I hope that you can find something of interest that is productive that you can throw yourself into. Like I said, it would take your mind off of things and help you continue to keep on living your life.

I am sure that others will have some advice for you. It is late here so maybe in the morning. There are a few on at night though.

Karen

Having been through a divorce myself I can offer up this advice.

1. Do not use the kids as a weapon for any reason. Even if she does, do not do this. Don't talk bad about her at all. If you have some stuff to get off your chest tell it to your counselor but no one else because sooner or later if you talk bad about your wife to anyone else it will end up getting back to the kids and you will end up looking bad in their eyes. If the kids start to say bad things about their Mom put an end to it. You must take the high ground on this no matter what or else you risk damaging your relationship with your kids.

2. Go through an attorney. DO NOT go through the divorce on your own, and make sure every little detail is down on paper. Even if you think it will be a totally civil affair and you think you can trust your spouse to honor any verbal agreements protect yourself. You do not know who is "whispering" in her ear and what they are telling her.

3. Focus on your job and your kids and whatever it is you like to do in your free time. If you are not into anything then get involved in something be it a club, a hobby, an exercise program, whatever so long as it is constructive and healthy on an emotional level and a physical one.

4. Continue to seek support through counseling.

5. Your kids, unless they are infants, are going to go through a period where they think it is their fault in some way. Be sure to reassure them it is not and that they will always be loved by you and their Mom no matter what happens or who they live with.

6. Regardless of what the custody arrangements end up being make sure you are a quality part of their lives.

I must warn you about one thing. How you feel will likely get worse before it gets better. You may feel like you are coming to terms with things and when they papers are signed and the divorce is official you may very well feel like you have went back to step one in your emotional recovery, and you may feel like that again when you end up, assuming you do, living in separate households and one more time when you find out she is dating again. This is all normal so don't think you are not really a man or weak or anything like that.

In some ways men are like Vulcans from Star Trek. We have the same feelings as women, and sometimes are feelings are even more powerful than theirs. We just often do a better job at hiding them than women do.

One thing I can promise you is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can and will get through this. You are not the first to go through this, or the first to be blindsided and sadly you will not be the last. Just take it day by day and know that each day you hold on is one day closer you will be to healing these wounds you have.

I would never talk bad about her to anybody! I am just trying to figure the whole thing out. Her attitude towards the kids and me has changed dramatically. She dosnt want to be bothered by questions from the kids. I went to church on sunday for the first time in a long time and have started walking a couple of days a week. She started on birthcontrol pills in november to control some woman problems she was having. I have read the side affects of birth control pills and it says that moodiness,headaches(wich she has both) are some serious side effects and that you should see you doctor. She is 38 years old and she has hot flashes too. Do you think her acting different has anything to do with the pill or maybee pre menapause?

I didnt meen to imply that she is mean all the time but it comes and goes. When she is nice she is nice but when she dosn't want bothered then we are better off being quiet. My son says that he is going to church with me on sunday and my daughter has a dance tonight so she probably will not be up for it. What are the chanves that she will turn back into the loving,fun,best friend i could ask for women that I married if I give her space and leave her alone. She says that there is no one else. I just dont get why she could not have told me 10 months ago when i noticed it. She says that she has known for a year but didnt want to hurt my feelings. I just dont get why she didnt say that our marriage was in trouble. Sometimes you have to smack a guy upside the head with the problem so they will listen. When i think back I know she did hint around abouy a few things but I didnt realize that she was asking me to do these things with her.

Dear clueless,It seems you have been given some great advice here expessially from Jim,so I agree with it all!Hope you can remain friends,I think when she is ready she will talk ,I guess she is confused about her feelings and can't talk about it at this time .Go to a lawyer and start things off ,try to be amicable! Till then spend time with the kids and stay out of her way ,do stuff for yourself ! Sorry your going thur this ! You will find people on this site very supportive ,when you need help ,please take care