new here

i have built this person everyone comes to for help and advise it is just my nature. I am sitting here at a very low point and realizing that I have to come to a forum just to say what is on my mind and how I am feeling.I have been bipolar for ever I think it runs in my family very strong,, Gee thanks parents what a wonderful freaking gift you gave. I try so hard to maintain seldom ever complain I just go into my own little world unless I am full blown manic which is much easier to deal with than this depression crap. For that last few months the depressive side of me has just taken over well longer than a few months more like 5 years the only thing that has changed much is my freaking ability to escape myself. now days it is like I am on a constant verge of losing it, I t is like creed sings 6ft from the edge and falling even deeper all of my ways to bring myself back are failing, my life is a freaking mess. there are no mood stabilizers for me to try been through them all about the same with antidepressants so what do I try next? Do I just let my head explode ? Do I fall over the edge ? I feel like I am in this personal hell and am running out of options quickly. I can't tell my son how I am feeling it scares him.my friends well they all back out if I am not there for them so I have basically closed myself off to everyone I mean whats the point if I say something is wrong with me they need to go. my work life sucks also i work 12 hour night shifts my co- worker thinks he deserves the right to sleep while on the clock. If i complain enough to the boss she might take action and end his contract but that means I have to work at least 1 14 hour shift per week and cannot take any time off at all that is what happened last time after she left me in a hostile work environment. I went to her instead of HR concerning sexual harassment and the non stop use of racial slurs which I can't deal with. rather than letting that person go she talked to him and extended his contract and I was told it was better to let him sleep because then I did not have to hear him speak .. what the heck ??? did I miss something ? See this is me avoiding talking about how horrible I feel day in day out . I never sleep more than a few hours at a time the worst being 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. i am scared am I going to get pass this ? my GP sent a referral to a psych but has been over 3 weeks and they have not called me and he did not tell me the name. my Doctor I was with for 15 years let me get away with not doing blood test when on lithium now my thyroid is jacked up bad. Please someone tell me how do deal with life where or how do I find just a little joy again? Am I to far gone? Please excuse my writing skills. I do not feel like taking the time to edit I am just letting thoughts fly here.

i think we should be like out computers hard drive when it gets bottles up just reload it and delete the programs and files no longer need. perhaps updates every 5 years or so.. i did call my Doctors office to get the name and they were able to get me in tomorrow.