when the nights change, so do my nightmares too..

First off this isn't a poor little me thing. I just need help from someone.. I am 21 and i have not grown up because i believe im scared of the real world.. i think that i just don't like myself very much. i've been treated like a piece of meat since i was in grade school. the other kids used to pick on me and beat me up. throw my backpack around n make me get it out of the trash, calling me names because i was the fat kid. i never did anything about it, i just held it all inside. before all that happened, i was a chatter box. then slowly i became more of a quiet person as i got older.. i started worrying about what other people thought about me so i never said much.. I became an observer. I thought instead of saying things out loud. I didn't have much friends in high school but they were the ones i'd die for because they were the only ones that treated me the way i treated them. and now that high school is over there the only few friends i have and they are starting their lives.
the only girl i've ever loved left me. that completely destroyed me.. it's been over a year and still everyday, i think about her. i reminisce about her touch, her kiss, her scent, her soothing voice when she calls for me. now it's all a memory and i just cant shake it. I don't think i can love again. i just sit here, an insecure depressed person. and im confused on what to do with my life. the only one who guides me is my mother, but i hate the thought of being carried. what happens when she passes? and my friends? it just seems that the world is going to eat me up. i look at hobos who have nothing, and for some reason i picture myself like that.. im a loser.. i'm surprised i never gave into drugs, from all the crap that has been offered to me. i believe im a good person and have good intentions. I am one of the kindest persons you could ever meet, but sometimes i think that gets me nowhere.. I get really sad when i talk about my problems.. im even tearing up while i write this junk.. i really need advice before its too late...