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Posted 10/10/2011 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

I havn't posted in a really long time. I found this forum when I was going through a low point in my marriage which was making me depressed...and here I am again - same reason...

My husband has a good heart, and is a good friend, but he is also very argumentative and arrogant a lot of the time. He is also really bad at making decisions which also affects me negatively.

When I think of being on my own I feel light and hopeful about life again. But we are also going through a very stressful time - building a house - and that has put a lot of stress on the marriage. So I know things will be better once this is over. However, it seems whenever we go through anything stressful or just when he is overwhelmed from the stress of daily life he becomes accusatory and basically a real jerk, and I regret ever marrying him.

So anyway, I have mixed feelings about him, but I do know I was much happier before I married him. He was also diagnosed with bpd AFTER we were married. I thought I was marrying a gentle man...but he has another side that I wish I'd never have had the displeasure of meeting. Aaaaanyway...

Basically, I can never fully open up to him because I never know what I'm going to get. When he's doing well we get along well. When he's not, I wish I could leave. It's been like this for years now.

What I'm wondering is, do you think it's possible to be happy even if you live in a situation like this? I mean, pursuing my own interests, making my own friends, and basically just finding joy in doing things I love...but of course, not having the companionship I wish I did.

It's not like I don't love him, and he has gotten better, it's just I feel depressed at the thought of being stuck with someone who is so temperamental, spends most of his time in bed on his computer (while I eat alone, go for walks alone, bike ride alone, do the housework alone, make meals alone etc.) In truth, I think we would have made good friends, and we are good friends (when he's not being a prick)...but mostly I feel like I am enduring his issues/dysfunction etc. rather than having a partner to do things with.

I'm not asking for opinions on whether I should stay or not, but rather if you think it's possible to be happy in a situtation like this? Like can one cultivate their own happiness in spite of living with a temperatmental, argumentative, and unreliable spouse?

I am presently ticked off at him as he seems to be a jerk at night on a regular basis lately, and it's night now. So if this e-mail sounds like I don't like him much at all, it's because I don't at the moment. But when he's not being a jerk he's okay. lol!

Thanks for listening. I guess this is a vent as much as it is a question about finding happiness in the circumstances I presently am in. But getting back to that, that is what I'm wondering...does one have to leave an on again off again emotionally connected/disconnected marriage to be happy, or can one find happiness in spite of the marriage being less than ideal just by getting on with life in spite of it? (I guess leaving would present it's own challenges).

Hope everyone is doing okay tonight. You are a brave group of people, and lovely too!

Embers
Posted 10/10/2011 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Embers,

It is so nice to see you post, but I am sorry for the reason. I think a lot of your depression is situational right now, and I think you can be happy. Just don't risk your heart. I know that you stay very busy and have your own life besides your marriage. Doing good productive things. And I think you can make it though this. But it is going to be hard to determine what is going on until after the two of you are settled into the new house.

I am sure you will get viewpoints from our other members. Just remember how much I care about you and hang in there.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/10/2011 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Embers

You and I are in very similar situations and I have asked the same question about "peaceful coexistence", can I ever be really happy?

My husband is bipolar and unmedicated right now. He says he's doing fine-lol!! Try being on the outside looking in, buddy!!! He is hyperactive and hypercritical. I NEVER do anything right. I cook and he says idiotic things like"Did you wash the chicken?" I ran a huge cafeteria for years and fed 2000 people a day. "No dear, I left the chicken swimming in salminella so we can all live by the toilet for days"-lol. That is just one example but it goes on all day. He is neagative. I wanted to apply for a tutor and he said "you can't do that". I am on disability for chronic pain and depression, but we are in deep financial woes, so I need to go back to work. Meantime he is on disability also and fishes all day, applied for a few jobs, they fell thru and now he's ok with that...what a provider.

I have a daughter and I wish we could leave. I feel light and relieved when I daydream about that. Do you have children? Does your husband take any meds?

I am not sure I could be truly happy in my situation because it is hard to feel good about yourself when someone keeps telling you otherwise, and I am a strong person. You said your is arrogant? I understand not talking out problems with him. My daughter and I might get an answer from the big hearted, funny guy I married. Sometimes we gert an enraged bull. We walk on eggshells sometimes.

I can't really answer your question but it sure felt good to vent, didn't it? Keep us posted and I truly hope things get better for you. I feel resigned to my situation, don't you give up!!

Take care

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Maggie,

I think you and I probably feel very similar. MIne was on meds. but they didn't seem to be making much of a difference anymore. When he was stressed (which is a lot lately) he was still acting out plus the meds. were affecting his memory/clarity of mind. Now that he has been goign off them, things are like they used to be with him being a jerk every night. So it's just a different form of personality issues than when he was on meds. But he was horrible then too, though the accusatory/paranoid stuff at least stopped. That is what he is back to acting out again now. Picks fights, blames me. But when we move I hope I can ignore him better.

We don't have kids. I have been waiting to get some stability. It's hard becuase being a mother was one of my greatest desires in life. He is better than he used to be, but obviously, not like I have an ideal situation to bring kids into. A big reason why we havn't.

I have ptsd and fibromyalgia so I can't work much, but I am doing some part time work from home now. That makes me feel good.


I'm sorry your h is not doing his part in providing. That is so frustrating! Mine is also on disability. He works from home, but he is unable to structure his time well and basically just goes with the flow. And the more he makes the more he spends! He refuses to budget. I married him before I really knew enough to make a good decision. That's part of it - it was long distance. Friends for years. But never had any idea what he was actually like...until after. And then, I felt stuck. Oh well, I'm here now, and I just want to find a way to be happy in spite of all this.

Anyway, that is another vent I guess. Aside from all that, let me say that it is nice meeting you. I am glad you have your daughter, so you have a light in your life. :0)

I feel for you, and hope it gets better. I hope your h will get back on meds. for your sake. Mine...well, like I said, they weren't helping anymore anyway...

But life goes on. And so will we.

Karen, thank-you for writing me back. You always have a helpful perspective on things.

embers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 10/10/2011 8:23:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/10/2011 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
He sounds like fairly classic bipolar. He is impulsive with money. I call my husband Ralph Kramden(for us oold folks) because he is always coming up with money-making schemes. Never BIG investment but $1000 here and there and none of them have panned out. He was an electrician, would lose his temper at work and quit, but always got another job. He is very charming, but blows thru money like noone's business. Yes, the blame game. I and dtr are to blame for everything_LOL!!

I and Karen are fibros also. How is that going? Any meds that work for you?

So both hubbies are off meds. He say they are too expensive, but reality is $50/month is worht it.But we can't force someon e to take meds or see therapist. Under those circumstances, I am not sure what level of happiness can be attained, because, no matter what, we have to interact with them.

I'm sorry about no kids, but having my dtr subjected to his temper and criticism is hard, and I am to blame for her every shortcoming.

I guess I'm ranting, don't have much advise but it was good to talk withyou. Keep us posted ok?

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, and I am PTSD also. Weird-alot of similarities

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 4:16 PM (GMT 0)
Why don't you ladies tell your husbands the truth: that if they don't take prescribed medications they will probably develop brain damage that is irreparable? And, Maggie, he needs to know that alcoholism makes the illness worse; so does caffeine. He is self-medicating his illness with things that make it worse! What kind of insanity is that?

If they could get one good scare, maybe they'd learn that they're risking their sanity by their behavior. They don't see their negativity as an illness at all. To them it's macho, and that's a child's attitude.

Remind them that strong people are gentle and positive most of the time. I'd be willing to say that before other men who are about twice their size in stature, they are meek as a lamb.

Stress is very hard for bipolar folks to handle. Maybe your situation will subside after the home is finished, as Maggie says, Many Embers. I hope so.

I feel for both of you. These men need at best, after they take their
medications, to go outside and get their stress out by doing physical things such as cutting down trees, etc. They have to be taught that it's not okay to take out negativity on their loved ones. Maybe in both cases it's going to take the medical specialists to teach them, but somebody has to in order for them to realize they have to take the meds to remain sane. Otherwise, they might be headed straight for a hospital and restraints. The next step would be an asylum. (Don't tell him that while he's drunk, Maggie, please!)

Take care of yourselves first, now, please. And remember that you
don't have to stay in a relationship that involves someone who is
seriously mentally ill. Members on the bipolar forum frequently tell others to get out of a relationship where these things are going on.

You two are the strong ones in marriage.

Saying a prayer for both of you today.

It's Genetic
Posted 10/10/2011 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
I knew self medication is dangerous, but didn't know alcohol was so detrimental. I gave him an ultimatum once before and worked for awhile. Said Katie would leave if he didn't take meds. I haf the fianacial wherewithal to do it then. We are broke now and I feel so powerless, and somehow did I bring this on myself...I am no angel either, not until my dtr was born, and then struggled. I hear it-the negative self talk, I know what it is but it still creeps in, I'm just not feeling it. I am always optimistic for others, great at giving advive, not so good at following-lol!!

Thank you very much IG for adviceand prayers too. Katie's doctor told me I might have to do another ultimatum. He thinks that I blame him for all my and Katie's problems. No, but he contributes. I don't know, I just don't know. I just want to protect my girl from his negativity and he says I am spoiling her. He screams at her "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??" when she does her smartaleck typical teenage attitude.I just wanna smack him so bad (No, no physical violence). He wqnts to lay down alot of rules, lists of them. He won't help to implement but he is great at issuing edicts. I grew up under very repressive mother and THAT was a mistake....I rebelled far far worse thank anything Katie has ever done...but he doesn't get it


I'm sorry, I'm on a roll today. Reaching the end of my rope, so tired of fighting...

Gotta go thanks to all of you for your support

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, I hope I wasn't too harsh in my thread. I just have a thing about men who are not willing to help themselves learn how to be real men of goodness and strength, and most of all, gentleness. I sometimes wonder if it isn't a gift from God that teaches the weak ones how to grow strong.

I hope you two have a peaceful and happy time ahead for you.

I.G.
Posted 10/10/2011 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
...actually, the reason he went on meds. was because he wanted to save the marriage. I told him I would have left if he hadn't. But those meds. were no longer working. I don't expect he is hurting himself not being on meds. He's not bipolar, but bpd. That is a personality disorder and you can use meds. to help with aspects of it - but mostly they recommend cognitive behavioural therapy. That is where I can say he has gotten better - in some ways the light has gone on and he's changed. but...still not my dream marriage obviously.

Thanks for saying I don't deserve this. Yeah, it took me a long time to be able to say that. I was hit with sooo much at once. Healthwise, not beign able to work and finding myself with someone who was emotionally abusive - I felt like all the strikes were against me. But I got out of that place thankfully.

Maggie, the fibro. I sort of hesitated writing that because it is more of a chronic fatigue. I used to have fibro. pain but I took a natural approach and am mostly pain free now. So long as I get my naps! :0) But the fatigue is still really tough. I did a candida diet and cleanse, and also did some juicing and these things helped a lot. People with fibro. seem to have a toxicity issue from what I have read and personally understand, so that is what I addressed and it's helped.

The ptsd is a tough one. I havn't been able to find treatment for that and I am a complex case. That is one area where my h is actually good. When I am triggered he is very compassionate and supportive. That makes it confusing - he DOES have a very nice side. I guess time will tell if he will continue to improve, or if the other side is just too much. In any case, yes, it is good to be able to share with others who understand.

I am sorry your daughter has suffered like that. It seems like our husbands have perspectives that are out of touch with reality - things that are obvious to us, relationally and otherwise, just aren't to them.

That is interesting what you mentioned re. the money and the bipolar thing. I have seen that different parts of his personality seem to have different traits/issues. I think someone can have bipolar tendencies without being it, or bpd tendencies, or depressive tendencies etc. Kind of a mixed bag but not fully one thing. Not always, but in some cases.

The thing with him is, hypothetically say we have $2000 a month to live on and all our bills come to $1600. I will point out the need to 'budget' -i.e. forego treats, eat low cost meals, cut back on trips using gas etc. To that he will reply: "I AM budgeting! I don't buy chips every night anymore. I don't spend money on expensive hobbies. I don't drink..." And so to him that justifies the fact that he can eat what he wants when he wants, or get what he 'needs' to make his work easier etc. - even though it means using the credit card and spending more than we bring in in a month. He doesn't think ahead at all, and for him that is just having faith it will be okay. To me, that is just a serious lack of common sense.

Okay, vent done. lol!

Yes, we deserve to be happy. I thank God regularly for my girl friends! Most are cyber friends, but it sure keeps joy alive in my life!

Take care, embers
Posted 10/10/2011 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
I.G. - I think you're onto something. I wouldnt' have the strength I do now if I hadn't lived with him which forced me to acquire it. :0)

Thanks for the well wishes. It's understandable that you have an opinion re. women being treated right and people not taking meds. and how it affects others. I think you are feeling a sense of justice for the ones who suffer because of it. What's hard is that leaving is not always immediately possible or easy. But we can continue to work on ourselves, and get stronger, and then we will be ready for what life brings us or what we need to do.

Oh, and again, I do think ultimatums can be good things. I have used them on other occasions too. :0)

Wishing you a happy and peaceful day too. :0)

embers
Posted 10/10/2011 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Dear IG and Embers

IG_maybe you weren't harsh enough!!!LOL! Maybe I am numb because we've been married for so long. I still care for him and wish desperately he was happy, but he is one of those epople who could be the luckiest man alive and still be miserable. I find gratitude in small things because that is what God has taught me...and I am grateful for that...it has saved my life many times.

Embers-I am SUCH a knuckle head-I knew BPD was borderline (now called emotionally unstable personality) I just had bipolar on the brain. It does sound like he has some similar tendencies as my h. We have another member here who has ESP disorder also. Maybe he could advise on meds that work for them. Some are bipolar and depression meds.His rationalization about how he is "sacrificing" sounds just like my husband. They are so clueless sometimes...he doesn't notice I skip dinner (I need to lose lbs anyway) because I am trying to stretch meat. He tells me to go get my hair done, mani or a massage. Are you kidding me?

The chronic fatigue is a real life-sucker isn't it? My neurologist ran labs on me recently b/c he said "I don't know if you have fibro or not" Teats were inconclusive

I am not being treated for my ptsd either, just the easy stuff-lol!! I am in constant state of fatigue, worry and anziousness...it sucks.

But I have my friends here, my sis is coming to visit in 3 weeks and my dtr keeps the flame burning. It is so nice to talk with y'all today-I needed it. Healingwell was offline early this am and I started getting worried I wouldn't get my "fix" today-what a loony-tune.

Thanks to you both for listening

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
I had problems getting on the forum earlier today too. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here at least once a day. When my internet goes down, I go nuts... Luckily it doesn't happen often.

My first husband was a lot like your husbands are. Always playing mind games. I was oblivious to a lot of it, thank God. I was a dumb blonde. lol.. But it kept me sane. He was very manipulative too. And knew how to push my buttons. I think being naive protected me, but when I look back on it now, in some ways I feel stupid but in other ways I feel very lucky. I have a really understanding and good husband now who treats me very well. I am thankful for that.

I hope that you all have a great day, what is left of it...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/10/2011 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
lol! Maggie!!! My h is the same way! We will go to town and I will make us supper and bring it along in order to not waste money on fast food. Then he will want a 'treat.' I'll remind him I made supper and we need to budget etc., and he will say: "When do I ever deprive you of anything. If you want a new outfit, I'll go it. I would buy you a rocking chair today if you wanted." duh! Yes, he would buy me the world on credit if I let him and it was possible!

Then there is his other favorite line when I get on him for his spending: "How much money do you spend on supplements every month and I don't complain!" As though my supplements are in the same category as extra high speed internet, or icecream bars etc. etc. etc.

I am amazed to realize this lack of mental rightness is actually a bipolar symptom and not just him being a clueless version of himself. Thing with all this - is they can't see what is plain as day.

WE are in major debt, and yet he still insists we live just the same as every other time in our lives. Argh! Oh well, like I said, I am wiser now. Note to self: do not build any more houses with this person. do not go on road trips with him. haha. But yeah, I have not a few notes to self like this.

This has all got me thinking though, that now after 2 years of building a house crisis (hellish 2 years), we will be settled soon. So maybe we will have some energy to focus on finding a good psychiatrist for him. We've also started attending a church, and I'm wondering if he might be willing to talk to the pastor with me about this stuff...though not sure how that would go. Thing with my husband is that he is super talented -a genius at certain things really - and people see that. So they really don't catch on for a very long time to his issues. It took me years to see beyond his giftedness...and he's a smooth talker. Oh well, something to think about.

So sorry you suffer from ptsd. It is so unfair. I find I can handle so many situations now that I coudln't before, and yet still the panic goes off inside as though it is separate from myself, having a life of it's own. But I get by.

Thanks for the chat.

Oh...Karen, if you were a dumb blonde, as you say, then what was my excuse as a brunette? lol! I just say I was naive and had this co-dependent thing of wanting to save somebody. I sure picked someone that needed saving, though he really didn't want to be saved. A few years ago, though, he started to come around. ANother reason why I still have a bit of hope. I just know change is slow, and there is a limit to how much is enough, even if someone is changing.

He is off the handle today, so I am thinking he needs meds. - but maybe just not what he was taking (which I have already suggested to him). Anyway, this is a novel. I guess there is so much that has built up over many years, that is now finding its way out somewhere safe.

Thanks for responding to my post ladies.

Here's to happy days ahead for us all!!

embers
Posted 10/10/2011 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, it is so hard to wake up and wonder who your h will be today!! Or later or tomorrow.

Most people cannot see his illness unless they spend alot time with him, he is cahrming, very functional, enthusiastic funny. Like children, I thinnk he saves all his worst behavior for home.

We built a new house too!!! We lost ours in Katrina, lived in a 8 by 30 FEMA trailer for 2 and 1/2 years while we built our house-it was more stressful than Katrina-lol!! It is beautiful and we survived, barely

I am sorry he is having aone of those days..maybe things will calm down when house is finished. How much more do you have? Are you living in it?

Karen-I am so glad you picked a goody for your 2nd husband rather than the other way around. My husband is a good man and I know if he could see what I see of his illness, he would go back on meds and feel terrible. So far, no luck

As always, good to talk with you both

Maggie
Posted 10/10/2011 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
Oh my! You guys built a house too...and you went through Katrina with a husband dealing with bi-polar? Boy, we have a lot in common in regard to dealing with these conditions on top of life stress!

The irony is, we lived in so many crummy rentals, and had to move so many times that it was seriously causing major stress and crisis in our lives. And he made some really poor decisions re. where we would rent etc. So I thought if we get a house of our own at least we won't have that stress anymore. Little did I know how things would go!

First: we couldn't find any house in our price range that didn't have issues with either second hand smoke, pets, fireplaces, plug in air fresheners etc. and with my allergies, that wasn't working.

So we felt the only solution was to build and eco-friendly home...

2 years ago: builder number one: we start. five months later we part ways amicably, but lose part of our deposit. He didn't have enough experience and he hired a project manager that threw things off track.

Next house: the contractor has shown me that wicked people really do live in this world. He quit after five months. Another five months with the lawyers.

Contractor number three: good guys! Finally! Now 2 years later, (living in a very sucky rental the whole time), but we are almost ready to move. Two more weeks.

So the stability of this house building hell being over will definitely help.

Yes... who will we wake up to today. lol! Only, with him it's more like - in the morning he is nice. By noon he is getting tense. By supper I can't stand him. At night he's at his worst. At least he's predictable when he's not on meds. in that regard. haha.

Having a good day in spite of it all! Hope you are too.

embers
Posted 10/10/2011 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Our first contractor diappeared, but did not rip us off. Then, listen to this, my husband becomes the general contractor.!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!! He'd fire people at 8 rehire by 9 fire after lunch, drinking beers by 5-LOL!! And hurry up when he was in his manic phase. BUT, the house is beautiful and very strong.

Sorry to hear your tales of woe. Pepople who build their own have got to be a little crazy, don't you think?

Y'all have a nice evening-off to feed the crew.

Maggie
Posted 10/11/2011 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
Oh my Maggie. How in the world did you get through that??!! Our new builders, well one of them anyway, has a lot of grace and rolls with things, so I am thankful for that.

Yes, people who build their own house are taking a huge risk. I would not advise it unless the marriage is super strong, the money is there, and all the research is done in advance. Actually, I would just not advise it. lol! But you made it through, and we will too.

take care, embers
Posted 10/11/2011 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Embers

My h is on a mean roll today. Not sure how much more I can take-everything I'd say, he bit my head off...over nothing...why can't they get a grip on themselves...MAN UP!!! I had to-lol.

If I could sell this house for pre-market crash (what it cost us) Katie and I would be gone tomorrow. The house was 75% my inheritance 25% loan and katrina help...in our state he gets half..we are both on disability but I could get by pretty well if I got a low income apartment. My brother in law (retired, low income pay $19/mo fior a cute new apt.. course if I sell, I'll have too much money to qualify-OMG!! Catch-22 at every turn!! I just see my daughter and her problems now, and how loveless this marriage look thru her eyes...

Just don't know anymore, don't feel like fighting anymore, every thing I do is wrong in his eyes...it's hard to keep any self-esteem and teach my daughter how to handle all the crap in life..

Gonna go to the bank...life goes on even when you wish it wouldn't

Maggie
Posted 10/11/2011 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
Maggie,

You may seem to do everything wrong in his eyes, but it is your eyes that matter. How you feel about yourself and the accomplishments that you have made. It is your view that counts, not his. Though I know it is hard not to let it get to you. Try... He is going to see negativity everywhere he looks, and that isn't your problem. It is his. I am sorry that you are living with this. Same as Embers. Though I am hoping once the stress of her building is over, I hope her husband simmers down. Men, can't live with them, maybe can live without them, we shall see.

I hope that you all have a great day today. Sun is shining here, rain Thursday and cooling off. Going to bake some lazagna then. Yum...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/11/2011 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I'm strong enough to stay and live my life around him....it's Katie I worry about...it's hard not to infect her with my poisonous feelings towards my h. When I found out in 2006, that he had terminal cancer, I know this is terrible to say but I felt bad that he would be in pain and my daughter wouldn't have her Dad to walk her down the aisle, but felt very little grief-God, don't smite me, my Lord..it's true.
Karen it is hard to maintain esteem after 18 years of this crap and he puts down our daughter, to her face...that is when I have violent fantasies-LOL!! I have to laugh, so I don't sob.

I have to find work and become semi-independent again and then make a plan. Ladies, when he met me, I was working as a General Manager for Mariott, 80k in bank, closet full of clothes, new car good, dear friends and family and travelling...he was not, and he says I'm dragging him down...believe me, I try hard not to let this sh** get to me, but somedays...it is hard to battle depression when your mental health's worst enemy lives under the same roof.

Oh well, just one of those days...I have been looking for a job, but it is harder for an older person now...i'll die trying cause that's what my daughter needs, a Mama that keeps fighting

Thanks for listening

Maggie
Posted 10/11/2011 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
You are a fighter Maggie,

And we are all proud of you. You do what you can to keep your daughter happy.
That is important. Try to cheer up. Know that we are all here for you. It is hard. But we do what we can to survive.

I am sorry that you don't have the things that you use to have, but this will work out to whatever is best. Have faith.

I was with my husband for 23 years before he died of lung cancer. It was sad, but it was a new beginning for me to have a life. And it worked out.

Keep hanging in there. Know we are here to support you.

Have a good day my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/11/2011 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
My condolences on your loss. You are a strong woman, but it's so devastating to lose alifelong buddy.

I don't care about all those things, I just meant that I used to be a formidable woman, scared off men I was so self-confident. NOW, I feel like a shell, worn down and worn out. But yes, I won't ever stop doing what I thinnk is best for Katie.

Yes, faith...it has saved me many days and stepping outside to see the beauty always reminds me of precious life We had hummingbirds and monarchs and yellow sulfur butterflies eating at our bottle brush shrubs. I guess if those little wonders to keep on, so can I-lol. Just having a bad day, all I want to do is curl up and eat chocolate-lol!!!! since we can't drink anymore-haha

Have a nice walk today. We arecloudy but warm today. Thanks again

Maggie
Posted 10/11/2011 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
It is hot today, but will be coming to an end. I wish I knew how to put photos on here, I have some nice ones. I had a monarch butterfly on my blue astors the other day and the photo came out so nice. I appreciate the things you do, with nature and all. I feel your day will get better, and chocolate sounds good right now. I love it. Halloween kills me as I buy candy every year, eat it and have to buy more. I try buying things I don't like, but that doesn't help. I still always have to buy more. I am putting it off this year to last minute so I wont eat it all. Wish me luck with that. lol... I use to love dark chocolate, but not so much anymore. The sweeter the bettter for me now. I like Dove chocolate. Yum... Now you have me wanting chocolate. Sometimes I crave it so much I take powder sugar, cocoa and butter. I make my own. Frosting like. But fudgey. Oh yea, vanilla... Bad habit I know, but comfort food... lol...

The post office gave us somebody elses mail. A gardening magazine. I will return it, after I leaf through it. I often wonder if they give other people our mail... That bothers me. Last week they gave me somebody elses letter. Had to take that back. You would think that they would get it right. incompetence I guess. But it worries me... How much of my mail have they given to somebody else that got thrown out??? Oh well, can't win them all...

I hope that your day gets better today. I am glad that you appreciate the nature around you. Our leaves have fallen for the most part, but it is still pretty.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/12/2011 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hello ladies,

I was running all day - house building stuff. My h was weaning off the rest of his meds. and must be fully off because he is just like he used to be before he was on them...the version of himself that I told him if he hadn't medicated I'd not be around anymore. But I am trying something new to deal with it. It's like this...

I have realized that although he has a nice version of himself in there, he's sick. I would get really angry before because he'd act like such a jerk and I would spend hours writing about it, wishing I never met him etc. Yesterday I thought "I need to get a grip" because I was starting to get hateful and insulting him in my mind. I don't want hate in my heart. So I just tell myself "He's sick. You can't expect 'normal.'" So far it's been working well i.e. whenever I notice something he did or he goes off, I don't relate to him as my partner in my heart anymore, I just remind myself "He's sick. You can't expect more."

Tonight when he was going off on our way home from the house I just started reciting my favorite psalm in my head. That works for me too.

Maggie, I hurt just thinking about how you must feel seeing your daughter go through that, but remember, in the end she is going to be okay. Because her mother is strong . And her mother loves her. She sounds like a wonderful girl (read some of your other posts) and I believe she is going to come through all of this okay.

Before I got married I cleared all my debts. Since I got married every time I got extra money he demanded it or my savings went to cover things etc. Anyway, I understand some of what you are saying and feeling. In the past 3 years or so of this house building and the stress I lived through before that with him I felt like I had aged soooo much. And then two weeks ago a lady from church said to me "My son asked how old you were and said "40?!! She looks like she's only around 32! She's gorgeous!" Not that there was anything going on there. She was just wanting to say something to make me feel good. But what I'm saying is that our self esteem does take a hit when we live with men like our husbands, but people still see the beauty of who we were before our husbands. That strong and beautiful woman is still who you are. And things will come in your life that will call that beauty out again!!!

And my dear, I know what it is like to feel guilty and bad that if your husband was gone you'd be free...I try not to think like that, but when I want a way out, sometimes I reason 'Well, he's a lot older than I am; maybe I'll have a chance at love again someday." Or other thoughts. But I do want him to live long and prosper. I just don't want to have to live an unhappy life alongside him. You know what I mean. I'm sure you don't want your husband to suffer, but part of us I think processes these things in an objective way...that freedom will be the up side of if we were alone. After my dad died (abusive to my Mom), she was a totally different woman. Happy for the first time ever.

You wrote: "it is hard to battle depression when your mental health's worst enemy lives under the same roof." Oh my goodness, I have soooo felt that Maggie! A lot of the grief I have gone through is over the fact that I married someone to be loved and heal from my family of origin crap, only to meet similar crap with him. How can I heal when I am just surviving him all the time? (in between the good times). But it has made me stronger. And I have resolved and continue to resolve that I won't allow him to cause me to stumble into hopelessness again.

We don't know what's around the corner. Your happiest days may be just ahead of you.

Let us know how things go with the job search. I hope something just right opens up for you. If you sell your house, is there a way you could still qualify for the housing...like if you invest some of the $ in a car or something? I don't know. There will be a way for things to work out. I believe so. Just don't give up.

It has been really amazing for me to be able to share with you, to 'meet' someone who can relate so much to what I have been going through and vice versa. So something good has come out of our miseries. :0)

And Karen, as always you are the best! You know the husband does have his good times and his good side...but now that he is off meds. I am not expecting much. But like I wrote above, telling myself he is sick instead of living in hope the mistaken belief that he is 'really okay' - it frees me from expecting him to be what I need. So I guess I am finding a way to be happy in spite of him. Putting my hopes on something else. The hardest before was the ping pong emotions - of being able to open up to him a lot because he was so great and then meeting with something so opposite half the time. Now, I've just decided to stop the ping pong, to co-habit, get independent and see where that takes me. I know he's in there somewhere, but still...I can't be in a relationship with his dysfunction anymore. It's pointless and too exhausting. Learning to ignore him is best. On that note, he's suddenly got a lot of work coming in, so at least he will be busy with that, and easier to ignore.

Hugs, embers
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