whats wrong with me?!

Hey guys,

I know last for the last few days i have got on top of things and set goals for the future, but last night something happened. Me and mum had a very short conversation last night and this is what we said ( copy and pasted from facebook) :

Mum- i am your only mum and i will support you in any choices you make..

 

Me-

ok, then support me with the choice i am currently making. the choice ( under no influence) that i do not wish to live with you. if you are that supportive and you want only whats for the best for me, then let me live at dads. im not saying i never want to see you anymore and thats not what im asking. all i ask is that you let me live at dads for however long i wish.

 

Mum-

i won't always agree with your decisions but i will always support you because i love you and want you to be happy

 

Me-

Thank you. So if you mean what you just told me, then you will allow me to live at dads for as long as i want. When and if i choose to, i will come and visit you as i do not want to loose all contact with you forever. I can not say how long we will be without contact for nor can i say how long i will be at dads for. But i do want to confirm that you will support me in the decision that i am making to move into dads.

 

30 mins later i recieved an email from my brother saying:

hi jessica

i am email you because ive read the conversation that you and mum had, it was a bit unfair to say what you did to her.
mum has always been there for,
shes the one who has always taken you to appointments,
the one who has been been at all your sports if she couldnt make it mike was there.
Jessica mums loves you so much and cares about you so much and with what you doing its really upset and stressed everyone out.
jess when i was going thru my teenage age years i thought mum was a ***** and i always ran to james and anne blaming everything on mum but what i now relise that it wasnt all her fault and i never told james and anne the complete story.
mum does support you with everything you do but she does not have to agree with it.

jess i love you and im always going to be here but i want you to do me a favour please think about what i have said really hard before you reply
lots of love
ayden

ps what do you dislike mum

I then called him up and asked him what this whole thing was about and long story short, he ended up crying and telling me how unfair im being to mum and how selfish i am because im affecting and hurting mor ethan just mum. He said he feel sresponsible as i was always bought up in the household environment which was ALWAYS so dramatic and there were alwayys arguments going on. i just said, " look, im really sorry if you feel like this is your fault, but with all respect, this actually hads nothing to do with you and mum has probably just been telling you some bullcrap story to get you on her side. so please, stay out of it" He just hung up. i dropped the phone and felt really short of breath and just fell over. and lay down for 10 minutes then cried heaps. He made it sound as if im tearing the whole family apart on the phone, and im getting really stressed about it. I feel sick this morning to think that i may possibly be doing so. i stayed up half the night crying, trying to think about the positive. I just dont know what hit me. Am i overthinking this whole situation? What am i doing wrong? What should i be doing now? Im just feeling so confused.

Love Jess

Karen,

Thank you. i feel so much better now.

Love jess,

p.s i emailed you (:

Thank you. I feel like just giving up on it all. The things my brother said last night to me on the phone are playing like a broken record in my mind. I've done all the dishes, vacumed the whole house to try and get my mind off things but still i feel so trapped and i dont know what to do. I know what i should do and i know what the right thing to do is, but i dont know if i can risk loosing the relationship with my brother, his girlfriend (my nephew on the way) all because i want to be happy. I just want someone to TELL me what to do. Im just so stuck and i keep trying to keep my dream goal in sight and im not going to let go of that. But this whole mess with mum and stuff, is getting to me really bad because of what my brother said to me last night and now i am even more annoyed at mum because i dont know what she has said to him but whatever it was, it wasnt good and its going to end up tearing us apart. I would just give him a call and tell him how i am feeling about this but he is on mums side and no matter what i say to him, he is just going to stick up for her. This is killing me and whatever mum is trying to do, its working because im breaking down inside :(

-Jess

Thank you Karen. I have thought about it alot lately. I have thought about my life, and my future and what would be best for me. I really am serious about moving into dads and im sure that she will have many more tricks up her sleves to try and get me back home. But im not going to let her get to me. I hurt real bad right now, but if i put myself back into that situation with mum and mike, i will feel even worse, and i know that. Im just going to think POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE!!!!! lol. Thank you everyone for being right there for me :)

Love Jess

hi guys,

the knee appt went well. major bruising in the bone and possible something serious ( forgot the big name ) but only time will tell if it is something serious. continue doing physio as my quad muscles have wasted away so need to re gain strength in them. back to see the specialist in 6 weeks time.

love jess

Hang in there netball, I am very proud of you...and right now your happiness comes 1st and safety as Karen said...Kepp it up sweetheart, I am in your corner rooting for you...

Maybe I screwed up MY life, but you and my daughter have your whole lives before and we just wany y'all to be happy (that's what your mother should want too, ina perfect world-lol)

Maggie

hey guys,

To be honest, i am blowing hot and cold. One minute i am happy and im allgood, then the next, im in tears, stressing over whats going to happen with mum and stuff. Although my mind is set on my dream (to become a family lawyer) and to be happy, there is still that part of me that is dying inside of me. I dont know why though?

I am feeling pretty good this morning. Extremely tired. Got to sleep at 3 last night and was up again at 5:30. Havent been sleeping well at all.

Trying to be happy, trying to make a pathway for the future. Trying really hard. Not seeming to go anywhere at the moment, but i will get there, i hope-lol.

I hope you are all well. Thank you for caring.

Love Jess

thank you stillme :)

Awty,

Im sure i have told you before that "kia kaha" is my FAVOURITE saying, but im going to tell you again. It has so muich meaning to it and i love it! Thank you.

Love jess