HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

My Pathetic Life

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic locked
12 3 4 5 6
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 11/13/2011 7:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hello All

 

My life, I am 49, never had a single relationship with a woman, never kissed or held hands, this is me. Next never had independence, lived with my parents all my life, totally ashamed of my nothing existence. Positive, I have worked all my life fulltime, struggled with sociol anxiety, depression and general anxiety all my life. about 12 months ago I was very distressed and seeked treatment, firstly my doctor, then psychologist and finally psychiatrist. Just got out of hospital 2 weeks ago treated for major depression, currently on effexor 150mg, avanza 60mg.

 

Now I feel real bad about myself for not doing anything my whole life, I have tried to get a relationship in the last 12 months but sadly have had not a single date. I now no it is very hard to get a relationship for anyone and I should not be hard on myself.

 

I am also looking at independence, I think i can achieve this in the next 6 to 12 months. I must be careful as my depression did not respond much through medication, I had to use mindfullness. I am now asking for some advice, whenever I start to get to know someone they tell me about themselves, their live, what they are doing. With me, i have had no life, no holidays, no fun, no independence, I feel i cannot tell people the truth about me as i feel so sad and ashamed of myself, it hurts me just to think of this, it makes me feel sad. Any advice will help.

 

What i have done for myself: I have joined a gym, joined a bush walking group, done a singles tour wine tasting, another singles event, go to local rsl, joined indoor rock climbing group and also social club activities. I have tried to help myself. Some will laugh at my comments as I have caused my miserable life, where a lot of people have had unfortunate circumstances, I have no excuse for my sad life. Anyway look forward to your comments.

Posted 11/13/2011 11:13 AM (GMT 0)
The first thing that comes to mind is for the moment stop worrying about romance. I realize that this is something you are wanting but at this time I think you have more pressing matters to deal with.

In a big picture view you should work on being happy with yourself and your life, now in the present. Make the changes you want to make. Step away from the things you are currently doing, the situations you are currently in that you are unhappy or disappointed with and move on to events and situations that YOU can feel happy and proud about.

Personally I think society makes a little too big of a deal about adult children cohabiting with their parents. It is one thing if a healthy adult is living with their parents who is not making any effort to contribute to the household...in other words they are living there just like they were still 10 years old....but it is a different story when the adult child has done as you have and has held a job, paid their own way, and contributed. The idea of children moving out when they are 18, 21 or when they finish college is actually something new in human dynamics. Up until maybe 40-50 years ago it was quite common, especially in farming families, for at least one child to continue to live with their parents, even after they got married, and help their parents work the farm and then take care of them until they passed on.

In the present there has been recent upswing in the numbers of children who share homes with their parents due to financial issues. It is becoming more common for parents and their children to move in together to share expenses, even if everyone is employed and can make ends meet on their own they find they are able to live more comfortably by sharing.

I tell you this in hopes you will stop being so hard on yourself for living with your parents for so long, and at this point given that I am sure your parents are most likely in the 70's at least I am sure that your presence is actually a comfort to them.

There would be nothing wrong when the subject of your living arrangements come up to tell people that you are sharing a home with your folks since they are getting up there in years and you are there to help take care of them. I know a lot of people who would view that as a sign of a strong positive trait.

As far as fighting your depression goes use every tool in the book. Medication, therapy, meditation, etc, and give it time. You have made some good steps, now just keep walking down that path and don't give up.
Posted 11/13/2011 12:42 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, stop trying so hard on romane front...I was getting desperate too and didn't get married or have a child til 43..it is nevertoo late!!! As soon as I stopped being so desperate to find a man, there he was...lol.

You do have activities, if not holidays , to talk to you others about. You work, you work our, you enjoy nature...take some day trips to cool places. read some current novels, these give you thigs to talk about

It's really fine you live at home, likeJim said, your parents are probably glad you aare there and you are not being a mooch.

Good luck and kep posting
I need coffee
maggie
Posted 11/13/2011 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
Remember,

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What you do with this day is up to you. And tomorrow it is just a memory. So it is never too late to live your life. I agree witht he others about the romance. It will come in time. You haven't met the right person yet. Never be ashamed of who you are. You are a valuable person. Just as much so as the next. We all have different living situations. So don't be ashamed. You probably help your parents a lot.

Take care, love who you are...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/13/2011 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
Well put guys. Great advice for you Beagleman, it even lifted my spirits a little. I see that you are trying by doing all of those things. Keep pushing forward.
Posted 11/13/2011 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,
Thanks for believing in me. It is so easy to give advice to others but I cannot seem to help myself. my negative beliefs in myself run very deep. my psychologist is trying to assist me with this. She tells me i will not succeed in relationships while being depressed. This is hard as it is one of the things keeping me there. On the positive the effexor medication has enabled me to concentrate much more, I can now read a book, which i could not focuss on reading a single page before. I met a nice woman on the walk yesterday, she told me she lives alone but i could not tell her i live with my parents. Maybe i will have to do this and risk rejection as I dont no how i can relate to people. I cannot share much at all about my life, I feel really empty, I have very low self esteem, feel totally rejected by woman. I no if i had one date it would meen some one is considering me. I also never see any positive i do like facing my fears, this year I have faced so many fears but I reject this as something I should have done when i was a child.
Posted 11/13/2011 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
You don't have to tell anyone your living situation right away. When you do, lean towards the fact that your parents are older and need some asistance. As a woman, I see that as a good man, not a guy who can't handle it on his own. Show her you are an all around guy with lots of interests, the rest fades into the background.

Stop being so down on yourself. In this eceonomy, many "children" are moving back and pooling resources. Parents tend to have too much house anymore and lots of work that hey can't do anymore. Being a dutiful, loving son is a GOOD quality...don't forget that.

Keep working on you, you ahve lots of good qualities...try to put those out there

Good luck, let us know

maggie
Posted 11/14/2011 9:36 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks again everyone, I am extremely hard on myself, I just cant seem to stop it. Consciously I attempt to build my self esteem and sometimes I list my achievements for this year that are many. I see so many happy couples, it makes me feel so sad, unlovable, and i think if I only could connect with someone things would be different. I guess what i am is nothing of substance, not anything and being nothing hurts me. I guess I am getting what I deserve, many people get lots of love and others just have to accept lonliness. I would give so much love if i got a chance but chance is just out of reach and to all I am working on myself esteem and no mine is very low. You no what, I love the advice, dont be desperate, you try too hard, do this, do that, be patient, dont worry, get over it, what is wrong with you, why aren't you married, your a loser, the advice is endless and alot of the time insulting. Sometimes i think no one has empathy, I am sorry I just expressed my frustration, and you can see some insight into my thoughts. Although other peoples comments may be hurtfull, my own thoughts hurt me more than anyone else could, I really feel bad about myself.
Posted 11/14/2011 1:04 PM (GMT 0)
I know I was alone (w/o a BF) for many years(about 9) and I was almost never LONELY. I filled my life with work, travel, family and friends. I loved to cook, play piano, read read read and plenty of other stuff.

Please don't wait for the right one, go out and live your life...it can be happy without a SO...maybe talk to a few others in your position...any singles clubs or speed dating...try not to think of yourself only in terms of whether you have attracted someone of opposite sex, we are SO MUCH more than tha

Good luck, cut yourself some slack
Maggie
Posted 11/14/2011 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all, because I have no friends I go out to most places alone, clubs, other stuff, I see the movies alone, eat out alone, bowling alone, gym alone, it is hard to do alot of this alone. I no, more advice get friends, do this, do that, why are you alone, anyway I try and you know it is hard. The latest group I have joined is bush walking, age group mainly over 60, this is unfortunate for me, still try and create friends. Most people probably read this and think look at this guy full of excuses for being a failure, he has no excuse, he just is a failure. Anyway I still try and life goes on, being happy and lonely is hard, and I no for some reason alot of woman seem to cope better alone, good for them because if you can cope alone and never need anyone then your life must be alot happier.
Posted 11/14/2011 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
You need to stop projecting negativity into your future. And by saying you are pathetic, you are starting to actually believe it. This isn't good. You are not pathetic. You are not a loser. You are just lonely. And that can change at any moment in your life. You will meet somebody. You are putting yourself out there. It just takes time. I wouldn't say that women cope alone better. I think it is about even. Maybe women show it more, their feelings of loneliness. They are more emotional, well not necessarily emotional, but they open up easier to other women. Which is probably good.

Life does go on. Stay in the moment and take it one day at a time. I have felt the way you do before. The part about never needing anybody. But eventuaolly I made soem friends and they are few, but they are close. I was alone in my own world for a long time. I had a husband, but we weren't necessarily close friends. But I had my dogs, so I was happy. I cross country skied by myself. I walked in the woods everyday. I loved it. But in time it changed and now I have a few friends. It has all the baggage that comes with a friendship, But that isn't necessarily bad. I can cope with it. It just means putting yourself out there. Sometimes you may get hurt, but you grow with the experience. IT isn't pleasant, but it isn't the end of the world either. So you can stay in your shell and not risk getting hurt. Or you can put yourself out there as you are and make a friend. And it isn't the amount of friends that you have, it is the quality of the friendship. It is give and take. And no keeping score. Just be you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/14/2011 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
Friends are MADE, not just materialized. What do you think keeps you from making friends? Are you so shy it seems standoffish? Even older people have children and younger friends you could meet. Just keep trying. I fyou think you are pathetic, that is how you will come across...let's try not to do this. ok?

Keep it up...
maggie
Posted 11/15/2011 8:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Moderator, the last 12 months I have not been in my shell, before that i have. Look you dont want to know all the details but a lot of the places i have tried to meet women have been impossible, one example a music night at a club for over 30's, many woman but the music so loud you couldnt speak with anyone, another social group i tried was unfortunately most people were over 60, this is not my fault. I tried the wine tour and spoke with about 20 woman, i went alright in the beginning but was overwhelmed about half way through, please give me credit for trying. Look i can tell you other stories and believe you me alot of situations were out of my control. I have tried very hard this year and to my frustration realise getting one single date is so hard. I have stopped trying for now as my depression is high and I am even having a hard time coping at my work. I will take your advise though if you think i should try and meet people while I am so depressed.
Posted 11/15/2011 9:15 AM (GMT 0)
I think it's great that you're trying new things and making changes...even if traumatic events haven't happened in your life, it doesn't mean that you're wrong or pathetic for suffering and feeling pain. You've had a hard time dealing with depression and anxiety, it's not an easy thing to deal with! I've been dealing with it for years and it's very painful. You're worth so much though, and life can become a lot more fulfilling...I have hope that it will.
Posted 11/16/2011 7:57 AM (GMT 0)
Hello all, My structured way of thinking only occurred after seeing psychologist. She said to prove to yourself you are worth while talk to people, see if they answer you. I did a number of exercises for my social anxiety and I am able to speak to anyone. But I guess forming friendships and relationships I find this difficult, when I start to talk to people I feel i have nothing to offer and feel ashamed of my past, lack of relationships, lack of friends, lack of holidays, no life, I feel like nothing, I know my depression is bad, i am working on this, i see my psychologist regularly, she told me about a month ago i was the most depressed person she had seen. I did not believe her because as bad as I am I can still just function in society. I think if I am able to get friends and a relationship with a woman I would finally prove to myself i am worth while but so far sadly for me this has not occured. another thing, medication has not worked for me, I take effexor 150mg day time, 60mg avanza at night, the avanza does help me sleep. To all, thanks again for your kind words, I have been much more depressed than now, I think I must improve eventually.
Posted 11/16/2011 8:03 AM (GMT 0)
you will improve. you are trying very hard, thus you will be rewarded for this. be yourself-for you are you, a precious human being of this earth with gifts and talents unique to you. with much healing compassion, jamie.

ps am proud of your efforts.
Posted 11/16/2011 11:42 AM (GMT 0)
Good luck we are not trying to pick on you, just help inour pushy way-lol. Holidays, places been all those things don't MAKE a person. God created you to be you and I'm sure something will work out. I have known so many perople who have "everything" including my Dad and he was the most miserable sob on the earth..Stuff is irrelevant, heart is all

M
Posted 11/16/2011 1:31 PM (GMT 0)
heart is all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! am with ya 1000% on that one maggie. jamie
Posted 11/17/2011 8:58 AM (GMT 0)
This is a good one for all of you. I said to my psychologist what is is like to love a woman and be loved, to kiss and hug a woman, to hold hands, the simple things in life. There is no answer you must experience it and it pains me so bad you would not believe because I have never experienced it. The only sex I ever had was with a ********** and this is the worst experience I think you can have, no love, it is plastic and very degrading. many will judge me badly for this but I just wanted to experience something with a woman, it is not to hard to ask. Dont judge me too hard I already judge myself very hard and it hurts me every day. I hope you guys/girls are happy as no one should feel sad all the time. This insight into me is not so you can judge me but to give a glimpse into how I think. Thanks again all, I have one major flaw, I judge myself so bad it hurts me and have not been able to stop this, I am getting help from my psychologist and I no this is something holding me in bad depression. I have seen 4 different psychologist in the last 12 months and have tried 4 different medications, plus hospitisation, I think i have tried very hard and I am not the person that wants to remain in depression as some people seem to think it is a game for attention.
Posted 11/17/2011 9:07 AM (GMT 0)
thank you for sharing, depression is no game!!! we are here for you beagleman. i admire your guts. jamie
Posted 11/17/2011 9:27 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Jamie and all, I see solutions to alot of others on this site but myself I find it infinitely difficult even when I am relaxed which does happen. I think through my depression, look at my options and see no solution as relationships unfortunately are about 2 people which I cannot control the other person. Anyway, I have stopped looking at present mainly due to me being so depressed, being just out of hospital for depression only 2 weeks ago. I am looking at friendships but I also find this hard as I feel bad about myself, I feel so ashamed of my life, such a failure, my thoughts are so bad and I no this is wrong, I would never judge another person as hard as i judge myself.
Posted 11/17/2011 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
We all judge ourselves harder. So don't feel alone in that. We are our own worst critics. You are right when you say you can't control other people. Let things happen naturally. You are going to meet somebody in time. The right person when the time is right. Things unfold in such a wierd way. But I am sure it will happen when you very least expect it.

I hope you have a good day today.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/17/2011 7:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all, I wish things would happen naturally, no relationships have happened naturally, for me it is like a mathetical equation that I have no idea on where to start, others i know fall into relationships seemlessly and never lonely. What I would do to have one, this would be great. Life for me is like a lottery, I never win, people say you have to be in it to win it and the same people win it over and over again. I see hope that may be some day someone will see something worth while in me and give me a chance as you know for a man they can be rejected many times and for a woman they simply just have to say yes. I feel i have missed a life time of love, hapiness, no children, no good memories, no holidays, no laughing, no one to share with, it would be great to have good times. I no I deserve my life, my nothing, but to get some chance would be good, others get a lot, I just want a little, I believe in god but it seeems so unfair that I should wait so long and be so sad and lonely. I pray for myself selfishy that I can get a relationship and perhaps I just dont deserve one as I am self centered. If only others would see good in me they would know I have much to offer.
Posted 11/17/2011 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
You need to focus on other things. The relationship part comes later. Focus on you and why you are feeling so needy. You need to work this out. Find some interests and get some hobbies. Live your life instead of waiting for something to happen. You make it happen. But once you get some interests, you eventually run in to people with the same interests as you. You make friends and build relationships. You have to meet the right person. You never know when that is going to happen so in the meantime, learn to live your life the way you want it to be.

Do you go to any counseling? If so, talk to your counselor and let them know the urgency you feel for having a partner and a family in your life. They will teach you things such as living for yourself. The patience that it takes waiting to meet somebody.

Don't be tempted to go on any dating sites either. Recently something really bad happened to somebody meeting somebody else on there. I don't know all the details, but it really isn't safe. People who are needy such as yourself get taken for a ride.

Do talk to a counselor. Get yourself straight and live a good life. Keep posting as we all do care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/18/2011 8:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, thanks for your advice karen. Dont worry about the dating sites I have tried for 6 months with zero luck and spent a few hundred dollars. I wish someone would use me, at least that would be someting but I have had no luck on those sites. I think you believe my depression is bad, I am not lying down and doing nothing but now as well as depression I have developed alot of anxiety. During the day my head shakes and my neck is stiff and sore. my arms also shake, this has developed over the last few weeks. I will update my profile so you can get some more insight into me, I am having a hard time getting to see my psychologist but I should be able to see her in a week. Yes, also I work fulltime in the courts, I only returned to work last week. I try very very hard.
✚ New Topic locked
123456