My Pathetic Life

Hello all, outwardly I project depression, inwardly depression, yes I do feel really bad about myself. I have looked for interests and so far the social scene has been for over 60's. Everyone says do this, do that, be patient, don't be desperate, don't worry and get a life. my self esteem is so low it is hard to see any future. You know what, it is not that I dont want to meet woman it is opportunity. Where i live there is no singles activities and when i go to the city the woman tell me you live in ..... this is too far way. Anyway, everyone thinks i have excuses, I am impatient, I dont try and I deserve to be lonely. Try a life time without anyone and you may feel what i feel. Would some one please tell me what woman want, because I need some tips. I am 49, 78kg, short hair, dont drink, dont smoke, dont use drugs, clean shaven. I am guessing if I live long enough some one will be desperate enough to consider me. I know the rhetoric that woman want someone to make them laugh, that's a joke, when you are so depressed you cannot laugh yourself. To moderator and others my life has been misery and yes I deserve it, but I wish it would change as I have suffered a long time.

Hi Beagleman and others too!

I've been working through my own stuff this week. And your post came to mind beagleman. Forgive me for the length of this, but when I am still processing new truths, I tend to be longwinded. :0) I am hoping some of what I am learning might be helpful to you and it helps me too if I can put some things into words. Again, sorry it's so long!

Everyone here wants to see you feeling better. And it is really good that you are reaching out here. Way to go!

You know the thing about depression is that it has its own religion, if you will. It sees the negative, believes the negative, speaks the negative and tries to make us think that it is what we (its host) believe. But depression is a condition. It's not who we are. We are only overcome by it if we give in to it an dbelieve its thoughts to be our own. They're not, so we shouldn't agree with them.

At the same time, I'm realizing that trying to force those thoughts into compliance and remove them doesn't work for me. But what does work is to resist them by sowing MY thoughts alongside those negative ones. I I do that, my true thoughts (positive ones) become louder than those negative depressive ones.

I think of it like the depression is an intruder and the mind is an impressionable child. If I remain passive, it will listen to the voice of the depression and be shaped by that, but if I speak up and sow positive thoughts my mind has something else to listen to. So even if the negative thoughts don't leave, they become a lot quieter and weaker in the presence of the positive thoughts I'm choosing to think and speak. It is work. It is a choice. It is ongoing. But countering the lies with truth will bring about a change in who you are.

When I read your posts I hear you say that you have all these negative thoughts but you know what you 'should' think, and you just can't believe it. So, like I just shared, I am wondering if, instead of owning those depressed thoughts as your own, you can come alongside yourself and state something that you know is true when you get those negative lies coming about being a loser etc. And they are lies.

God doesn't make losers, and as long as we want to heal and do good, we are not losers in this world! To quote Start Smally (ever watch that movie?): "You're good enough; you're smart enough and doggin it, people like you!" People here like you, so why not affirm that to yourself? :)

The more we state the negative thoughts we feel, the more deeply engrained they become. But that is where if you can continue to identify those thoughts as depression talking and not the truth you can put distance between yourself and the negative things you have believed . If the truth is hard to find, maybe you can imagine what a loving Creator would say about you in those times? The One who created you would not be telling yourself the negative things you are agreeing with.

This is in no way to make you feel lousy. All of us fall into agreeing with the negative thoughts at times. But just to say, even if you can't make those thoughts to away altogether, you can create a counter stream of positive thoughts about yourself. And truth is stronger than lies, light is stronger than darkness, so fight back. Get mad at those lies, and sow into the stream of light and truth about yourself. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT!!! :0)

You have lots of good qualities. Eg. You are able to identify what you are feeling. You are articulate. You WANT to build a life you will enjoy. A lot of people just give up and feed addiction rather than facing reality. Not you. Many people aren't even in touch with how they feel. But you are and that shows sensitivity, and by the way, that in itself is something that women will appreciate about you.

So remember, those negative thoughts are 1. not yours - they are intruders and you should resist them as you would an enemy 2. not true - they are just lies.

Lies work by taking a little bit of truth and then framing it in a way that works to the advantage of negativity. It's a twisted version of reality.

Even if the negative thoughts 'feel' or seems true, we need to remember the mind is just being fooled into believing depression, and we need to help it believe the truth...it takes time to 'feel' the truth, but it is not impossible with some ongoing work and management of our thought lives.

eg. People here have suggested looking at your time with your parents in a new light - why not give it a try? That's just one example where the depression has framed your experience in a negative light and tried to attack your identity. But depression is a liar. Why woudl you want to agree with a liar? Liars, of which depression is one, don't deserve our time and attention.

Even so, so what if you lived with your parents for a less noble reason, like fear, or something else. So what. Don't we all have weaknesses? Show yourself compassion. And you know, as you CHOOSE to try to see a positive and loving interpretation of your life, I believe the truth will begin to give you a new perspective and your eyes will be opened in a new way. I believe that is how life is - if we reach for the truth, the truth will reach back to us.

eg. I used to see my life as wasted and stolen over many things, but as I grieved that out and kept believing there was a good plan that I just wasn't seeing, it began to unfold in my understanding. Eg. I dropped out of university and wasn't able to go back to finish. I was in a piano performance program. I was plagued with thoughts years later of how stupid that was, how I threw away an amazing career chance etc. But over time I began to see how the culture of that university scene was snobbery and how I would have been trapped like a hamster in a cage always trying to perform and earn more letters behind my name sort of thing. Blech! I'm grateful I didn't get stuck in that lifestyle, especially as I am very prone to being driven and performance based so my perspective. So dropping out of university wasn't so bad after all...I now see things very differently. You can too. (I am now teaching piano lessons to kids, and I love it. Without a university degree. And not as a teacher that would have just raised up performing prototypes, as previously I was taught to do.)

Okay, so where was I? :0) ... Even if the depression doesn't let you 'feel' the good thoughts you choose, as you choose them, you will gradually build your positive thinking muscles so it becomes easier over time. That also will be a quality that will draw positive relationships around you. And like I said above, as you align your thoughts with positive ones, you'll also begin to see more positive in return.

Self image...We all know that you are a decent and wonderful person. And even if you don't outrightly believe it, my guess is that part of you must know it's true or you wouldn't be investing the time in yourself trying to get help, right? Find that part of your heart that knows the truth about who you are - the truth that a loving Creator would tell you, and affirm it. It will help.

Having said all that...Sometimes we can barely look in the direction of a positive thought...I've been there. So I don't mean any of this to be another burden on your shoulders. Just chew on it and do what you can (if you think it's good), and don't be hard on yourself if it's not attainable.

So yeah, just saying all this as an encouragement to you that those negative thoughts are the depression talking and depression is a condition, it is not who you are. So keep resisting the religion of depression. Even if it doesn't leave, you don't have to be its follower. Create yourself some happy thoughts instead.

It IS possible to become your own best friend, rather than your worst enemy. It just takes time, commitment, work, and grace. Baby steps. Don't ever give up.

...maybe this is a bit what cognitive behavioural therapy is about. I just consider it 'agreeing with the truth' and knowing that I and my life are not defined by what the depressive thoughts/lies.

wishing you a good day today,

embers

My negative thoughts were created over many years. Alot were about other people. As early as 10 firsltly while doing folk dancing many of the girls would cringe while dancing with me. My main problems occured in high school I could not get friends, I felt isolotaed, alone, did not fit in. I did not get any girl friends either. When I left school I did not know how to socialise and remained alone. A few years later i got a job with the corrections, prison warder, anyway I was judged alot by staff. One guy said to me are you gay, just tell me. It was very hard. I was judged many times. Other stuff after many years in my job and no confidence I could not get a promotion, and people would say to me me look what is wrong with you, you should be superintendent by now, so many things made me feel bad. I gave away most of my money to my sister who was always asking for money so I have no assets to speak of. To sum up my life I have no relationships, no friends, no work promotions, no assets, no independence, still living with my parents, it is very hard for me to feel good about myself. I no this site is not about me, it is about sharing and I appreciate everyones help. I decided a few weeks ago to stop helping my sister with money, I have been used all my life, so this is my first step to getting my life back. Look, another positive I have no hate towards anyone, I forgive everyone, I guess I am working on forgiving myself as I am so hard on myself. I am a good person but few see this, most people measure life by achievements, wealth, relationships, work success. It is hard for me to live in this world with none of these. Thank you all for caring.

If the people you are around are judging you the way that you say that they are, you need to surround yourself with different people. If it is at work, just ignore it. There are always going to be that type of people and you can't let it get to you. It sounds like you have a good job. My first husband worked for the department of corrections. It is a good job. But stressful.

You will get a promotion when you are ready for it. It is nobody's business how fast you move up the ladder. And if you are happy where you are, so be it. Just be your own person. And you are a good person. That means a lot in my book. I think as long as you know you are doing the best you can, that is all that matters. Be contented with that.

Embers mentioned CBT before. Cognative Behavioral Therapy. I think that would help you. There is a book that is quite old now, but it is a good book none the less. It is called "feeling good". You can find it on Amazon for about six dollars. I picked up a used one. It is by a Dr. David Burns. I think that this book would benefit you. It teaches you so much about the thinking process and how we perceive life and others around us. If you like to read, get that book. It would really help you to read it.

I hope that you can feel better soon. I hate to see anybody down and down on themselves. It is just not productive. Keep thinking about the good things in your life. What you have instead of what you don't have. Appreciate yourself.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

You are opening up here. That is good. You are talking and corresponding with others. That is a start. Even though we can't see eachother.

I think you are trying too hard. I think you are thinking about this too much. Relax. Let things happen. It may not be within your time frame necessarily, but it will happen.

I asked you before if you were going to any counseling. I think this would help you a lot. They give you direction in your life. Teach you how to open up to others and talk about things. I think it would be worth a shot.

Let me know what you think and if you are going to counseling.

Hugs, Karen

i am in a bad place to share at this time. sorry. jamie. have much to share, i will at another time.

Hello all, Moderator, I'm not angry at the man or others just want a chance, one things thats does makes me angry is when someone with a relationship tells me dont be needy. What is wrong with needing a relationship, why are they in a relationship if they dont need it. Do I pretend I dont need one, why be something you are not to satisfy others peoples stupid rules how they think you should be. Does a person pretend not to care after they lose a love one. I am sick of being a pretender and just want a relationship. You know the fact that I cannot understand all these rules that people impose on others but not themselves is maybe why I deserve nothing because I cannot accept i deserve nothing. I guess the next thing is I need depression so i should shutup and accept it this appears to be what people want to put someone in a spot they think they deserve. Others make fun of lonely people, it would seem like a sport to amuse themselves. To all, if you are not needy throw away your relationships and live alone, to me life is cruel with people thinking of more things to hurt lonely people, how can you encourage people by putting them down. Anyway, I dont think I will ever get it, all the rules, not being able to understand people, not being able to fit in, not being able to conform, not being able able to have fun, life for me is truly sad, lack of rewards, just existing. To those with relationships treasure it, and no many others out there are truly sad and not pretending but feel very alone and please have a heart. I still selfishly pray for myself, maybe gods plan for me is loneliness, but I dont try and guess this, I live in hope. Just to let you know Im in adifferent time zone hear, it is 4am and woke up feeling bad, just needed to post this, just feel sad. Yes, I have to pretend not to feel because thats what people want, but others can laugh all day and that suits society well. My entire life is a scam, I really have not existed, I am nothing. Thankyou all, I had to vent, I hope I can sleep, going to work later.

Hello all, thanks to everyone for their support it has been very hard for me. Feeling better today, medications appear to be helping me today. I have only been working at my cuurent location for a few weeks, I have had a bit of time to analys myself. There is a small number of staff there. O'k, I think I make a good first impression of most people now, just by being mindfull, rememberng names, this has helped. No singles here in my age group, but was surprised to find most would smile in the morning when I said hello to them. I no my main problem is not about introductions but how i feel about myself, my zero life, my no achievements. I feel I cannot talk about myself, will see my psychologist next week. A positive, one of the guys I knew from 25 years, putting me down for no promotions, it did not worry me too much yesterday, I think the effexor is finally helping me because I haven't had any other assistance of late. I am very mindfull that I can slip down into deep depression again and I am reading and trying to stay busy, at this time not looking for relationships but simply stay away from bad depression. Thanks again, I am really trying hard despite some very negative thoughts about myself which I no are very hard to change.

Hello all, my depresion is creeping back, like sitting there. I no I have had major depression for at least 12 months now so I cannnot expect it to dissappear. I still feel very bad about myself, self doubt, I no that I have missed out on a life without love, no relationships, I feel like such a loser. In a way it was good today, I was at work and someone asked me if I was an ex Parklea officer. I said yes, i am a reject from Parklea, i am also a reject from parramatta, just a loser. I did not think nothing of this and another officer said we are not rejects. I realise I have so many automatic negative thoughts about myself, and it was not my fault Parklea was privatised, and Parramatta was closed. I must consciously try and stop some of my negative thoughts. I have been thinking how long I can keep going like this, and I guess I can keep doing it forever but it is so unfair being sad all the time. I think it will be a flook if I get a relationship, also I think this country truly sucks with very little opportunity to meet people, I wish I was born in a country with arranged marriages. There are not too many lonely indians. Anyway everyone says dont be in a rush but I am 49, with not a single relationship, I no anyone would find me friendly, but to never get a chance is what my life is. I am thinking by the time I work out my life and get any happpiness will be the time I am dead. I wish I could start over again, some one would see some value in me, and if people could read my mind they would see how non judgemental I am, how accepting i am, how friendly i am, how much empathy I have, they would also see my nothing, zero life. Most people if they could feel my depression would be extremely distressed but no one deserves this. Sorry I seem to be losing track, my thoughts a little confused today. Seeing my psychologist soon, I need help.

Hello all, Feeling very tired all the time. I look back on my diary for the year and cant believe it, I have recorded trying diferent medications, etc, and it feels like years ago. I wish life was just about learning, I would study very hard, I would try hard to get 100% then I would be rewarded with hapiness. But this is not the case, there is no reward for trying, just a reward for suceeding. Rewards in life are reserved and somehow I wish I could get them but I am denied. I am so ashamed of my life, my life without meaning, I cannot tell people, no one understands life without fun. I think it would be great to start over again in life and get some help when I was young. My perception in life is a complex equation I cannot solve, I dont no where to start, just to exist for nothing, no meaning. You know what is so frustrating, I want to help myself so bad but just cannot suceed, To all you cannot believe how motivated I am, I feel so sad, I no this sounds incongruous but it is very true.

To all, to Kim, I am looking at moving out in the near future. I have been trying very hard to stabilise my depression. I do need a change of scenary, but if you knew how much I have changed this year you would be amazed. I guess my depression has pushed me extremely hard to change, facing all my fears, social anxiety, problems at work. At work I have been forced to change my job location twice, and this has been very stressful but I am not avoiding change, i am adapting. My whole life I guess has been fear and avoidance resulting in no friends and relationships, this is all my fault. I need a relationship but i have nothing to offer. Others have alot. I am working on moving out, very minful of my depression, I cannot let myself get too depressed and if I am alone I think there could be a time I have have to get help. Today for me was a futile exercise, a day off work, I walked around the shops for about 4 hours by myself, feeling depressed all the time, I dont know why i do it, I just walk around seeing others being happy. I see my psychologist on monday, she is helpful, last time when I was distressed she helped get me admitted to an adult mental health facility. I have told some others at work I was off work due to depression, I could not share with them the reasons for depression, I feel too ashamed of myself. Thanks again Karen, this is a good site for support.

Thanks again Karen, You know on a logical level I know I must be worthwhile, but emotionally I feel so small, inferior, nothing. The medications have given me the ability to concentrate, which I haven't been able to do for years. I no I should do something with this new ability but as usual I am directionless. I am doing croswords, suduko, reading books. I need very seriously to improve my self esteem. I wish there was activities for me to share with people in my age group. Anyway, feel a bit better today, I need to remember good days. I am reading this book, womans stuff, anyway it lists what woman should look for in a partner and you know its impossible, here is a couple: sexy, smart, good looking,listener, kind, makes you laugh, thoughtful, happy, generous. There is a huge list of what to avoid, you know the strange thing is a man just wants love, to be loved, but the list of a woman is never ending. I know I am a poor judge, unlovable, always rejected, what chance do i have in a womans world. I see time and time again woman mistreated and still having relationships but others remain single for no reason but being rejected. You know i dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont use drugs except antidepressants, I dont gamble, I dont cheat on woman, I dont spend endless hours on computer games, I just want to share my life with a special woman, but wants are just wants, some people just dont get what they want, others get everything, i guess life is not fair. Anyway if I was any good I would have a relationship but I dont, there will always be people like me and I no there is nothing wrong with me but I just cant connect with people as much as I try. I guess i say alot about what I am not but say nothing about who i am and i guess this is my nothing that people dont like.