I feel like I never truly connect with others. I feel like those around me don't truly understand whats going on in my head, or the things that I find important, not only within myself but within this world in general.
I feel so disconnected to the people I am surrounded by, and I can't help but feel like I need to iscolate myself and hide out. I feel like everywhere I go, everyone I see, they are constantly judging me, trying to 1UP me. Not even just me, I feel like everyone around me is trying to 1UP eachother.
Yet, at the same time I have the urges to do something with my life, to finish these last set of courses and to build a foundation to start my life over. One of the strongest feelings I have right now is to connect with someone without judgment...
In my family, it isn't normal to drop out of highschool or move out before marriage. So even by my family I feel constantly judged, and looked down upon. Through the bad relationship I have had with my step-dad and his family, I always feel like I will never be good enough. Whats even more strange is I never felt like I was completely accepted by my cousins and other family members; for some reason I had always felt left out. And it makes me sad more than anything. When my father passed most of my cousins from my mother's side of the family didn't even call me let alone ask me if I was okay. It hurt.
I've made an appoinment for next week to meet with a councelor, which I'm not sure about. Sometimes I feel extremely happy, and then the next day I feel extrememly sad; I just wish that I could plan to have a more difficult day when I do go in for the session, that way I won't hold anything back. Other than that, I have been forcing myself to finish the homework I have, which is ironically in my Psychology class. I've also been thinking about taking an apprenticeship in tile setting, and getting back on my feet financially.
Anyways, this was all very random, but I needed to write this out somewhere..