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I used to be guilty conscious but couldn't remember password-heartbroken

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Posted 12/19/2011 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

Need moral support. I saw the other man on my birthday, didn't do anything. Saw him Wed. We made love. I tried talking to him, but he didn't really want to talk. Well of course it's been driving me crazy, the not knowing how he really feels. I told him today, that he either had to hurt me or everybody was gonna get hurt. I needed to know the truth! He never did tell me what I wanted to hear, which was that he wasn't in love with me. But he did tell me that he had applied for a new job and if he got it, he would have to move. No mention of me going with him. I just feel so USED and unloveable! For YEARS I have felt something was WRONG with me, because he didn't want to be with me. He knew I loved him. Why would you make love to someone if you are planning on moving away and hurt them like that? I finally think I've had it, but I am SO VERY sad! I just feel terrible. Why did it take me so long to realize that he didn't love me at all? I still feel unloveable even though my husband does love me.

Posted 12/20/2011 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately, love does not always accompany sex. It sounds like there was a very real attraction from his end, but on a physical level and not emotional. It is human nature to want what we can't have. You need to start looking at what you do have - a loving husband, for example - and appreciating it and trying to make the most of it.

You need to cut ties with this other man. Do not see him, do not speak to him. Do not let him be the one to use you and then leave - leave him now, even if you were never really "together" to begin with. Do not write to him, and try to keep yourself busy so you do not think of him. If you choose not to share this secret with your husband, then at least try to work on your marriage. Rekindle some romance and passion. You believe your husband loves you - that is more than what many others have.

We all feel terrible when we look at these things in hindsight. We wonder why we didn't see it sooner, but emotions have a way of blinding us from the truth. What you experienced with this man was real, but he does not reciprocate. Do not give him more power to make you feel terrible about all of this. Just walk away from it. If you still feel unlovable, then make yourself feel lovable by working on your healthy relationships with your husband and other family and friends. I think a reason why you feel unlovable is because of this secret that perhaps makes you feel unworthy. Make things right by ending it. He has had many chances to be with you if he really wanted to be, so you are not missing out on anything if you end your relationship - both romantic and friendship - with him.
Posted 12/20/2011 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
I think Alaskah is right, walk away from this. Forget about it for now. It will be a fond memory if you let it. You both got pleasure out of it, go with no regrets. Start a new life with your husband who loves you very much. You have a chance to get out of this without hurting anybody, you should do that. You knew that he wouldn't be forever. You knew you had to end it anyway. This makes it easier.

I hope that this works out for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/21/2011 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Well it's over. I told him to never contact me again. I just hope that I don't get weak later on and call him. I don't want to. One time I went 2 years without calling him. There's been several times when I wouldn't contact him for months. I didn't want to sleep with him last week. He had to talk me into it. Then I find out that's he's probably moving away! Who does that? Sleep with somebody that he knows loves him and all along plan on leaving. I am still so hurt. But I do feel better. He was supposed to be my friend. We were friends for 15 years before we ever slept together. That's not a very good friend is it? I thought I knew him, but I guess I didn't know him at all! But I am going to work on my marriage. I have always been good to my husband, now I'll be even better!

Posted 12/21/2011 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you plan on being good to your husband. Focus on that and the rest will fall into place. Keep fond memories.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/22/2011 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Karen,
There are no fond memories. Just hurt and sadness. I just don't understand. I thought I knew him......
Posted 12/22/2011 12:15 AM (GMT 0)
Love can be blind. Just the fact that he wanted to sneak around with you and not have an open relationship shows his true feelings. Sex and love aren't the same things. I am sorry that you are so hurt, but when you are the other woman, you always get the crappy end of the stick. That is just the way that it is.

Take comfort that you still have your husband. Go with that and make the best of the moment. Eventually you will recognize the moments for what they are. You must of had pleasure or you wouldn't of been doing it. Put the memories in that special place in your heart and keep them there. You have to make the best of this and forget about him or it will eat you up.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/22/2011 5:30 AM (GMT 0)
I hate to say it but I am glad that you finally seen him for what he is, I am sorry you were hurt. I hope you and your husband are able to make it work...but never let anyone abuse you mentally or physically...you deserve more for you. I wish you all the best.

Take care, Amy
Posted 12/22/2011 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, taking action , making decisions, taking control of your life, these things are very hard, well done. My own avoidance in life has caused me a life without pleasure and good memories. Good work, you can now focus on getting your life back and know you are positively helping yourself move on.
Posted 12/23/2011 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Thank ya'll so much. I feel better now.

Posted 12/24/2011 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you are able to have a wonderful Christmas...enjoy your family. I wish you all the best in the New Year...start fresh and I think things will fall into place for you.


Take care, Amy
Posted 12/24/2011 3:29 AM (GMT 0)
I hope that you feel better as you say. I know it isn't easy. Just take it one day at a time.

Happy Holidays!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/24/2011 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Don't blame yourself for not seeing who he really was. People can be very good at hiding certain aspects of their character or intentions. Even spouses will be surprised after years of marriage to learn certain things about each other. I've heard many stories of this kind, so you are not alone or stupid in thinking that he felt things he didn't actually feel. Even the brightest of us can be misguided by our own feelings. Emotions have a way of clouding our thinking. It is psychological and neurological - we cannot help it.

It is probably best if you feel there are no fond memories. But don't cling to the negative ones, either. The best way for you to move on I think is to put it all behind you and don't keep thinking of him at all. It is hard, especially after the amount of time you knew him, but it will do no one any good to dwell on it, including yourself.

Enjoy your holiday with your family. See the new year as a new beginning.
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