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I am at my breaking point.

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Depression
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Posted 12/22/2011 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
I'm having a real hard time trying to stay positive these days. I have too much on my plate: I have a serious back injury that causes major, daily pain despite having a drug pump! I lost my job and career because of my injury, which was caused by another reckless coworker. My former employer is fighting to deny me workers compensation. SSD has turned me down, so now I had to get another lawyer to fight SSD. My wife offers little, if any support and just seems to add to my pain. She says I need to find a job in a few months to help support us. However, I can't work due to my injuries and the daily pain. I don't have any friends and I'm pretty much isolated inside my house all day long! It's getting harder and harder to want to wake up, much less get out of bed. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and no amount of sleep has alleviated even a small portion of this exhaustion. I keep thinking I've suffered enough. I've put my wife through too much...surgeries, no income, etc. I'm worth more to her dead than alive. I'm already dead inside...I can't be fixed and I no longer have any fight left inside me.
Posted 12/22/2011 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
What's done, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Thinking positive is indeed hard sometimes. Keep fighting. Sometimes others don't understand because they can't feel what we feel. I am here to offer support and there are so many others that have helped me, and will support you too.
Posted 12/22/2011 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
What's done, you have my support too. I feel for you. I had a serious gut injury repaired the best that could be done, but my future is very uncertain. I have to eat just the right stuff and I have this weird pulling feeling in my abdomen. I find it hard to get up in the a.m. too. BUT I am taking advantage of every single day, not knowing what the future holds for me. I hope you can tap into at least one thing of joy to do every day. Have to get that one little thing to look forward to to get you to face the day. All my best and my support to you. Rosemary
Posted 12/22/2011 6:33 AM (GMT 0)
What's done....I am so sorry that you have to fight to get money, I mean geez I don't know what they expect, do they think we enjoy living this way. That just ticks me off when you are at your worst and now they want you to fight the fight when you are at your weakest. I have to say I am disappointed that you are not getting better support at home....I hope she is just frustrated at the whole thing.

However, do not give up...life is worth living..I was off work for 5 yrs and with some healing, proper meds and physical therapy I can now work 3/4 time. Things can get better, we are all here to support you along the way...Hang in there.

Bless you, Amy
Posted 12/22/2011 7:16 AM (GMT 0)
am here for you. with healing compassion to you, jamie
Posted 12/22/2011 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey What's done,

Welcome t the forum. Have you thought about physical therapy? It might help you with pain and mobility. What about counseling? It really helps us with support. I would highly recommend it.

I am sorry your wife seems so calloused. I hope she has compassion for you soon. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It seems though since the iinjury happened at work that they should be helping you out.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/22/2011 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement and support. I went on a trip this past weekend with my wife to NYC, her mother is very sick as well. She is Deaf and insists she needs me to interpret for her. I didn't do any interpreting. She knows these trips cause me additional pain! The trip knocked me out...I've been paying for it this entire week. I have no energy anymore and when I wake up each morning I am in too much pain. Every single muscle aches and it feels like I've been hit by a bus!

My wife sees that I'm in pain, but finds it difficult to accept. We've been together for 19 years and I've always been so strong and capable. Now I can barely get out of bed, despite having a drug pump! I don't mean to make my wife out to be uncaring...when she sees the pain in my eyes and on my face she is understanding. However, when she goes to work each day and comes home to find I have done much of nothing...well she forgets and goes off about how lazy and unmotivated I am. I feel this way all day without her assurances anyway. The "accident" was no fault of my own and there was no way I could have avoided it. A coworker was reckless and purposely caused the "accident" and as a result I was terminated and my workers comp has been in litigation for over a year! I have been unemployed and without income for over 6 months now. I always wanted to write a book about my experiences at work and my wife gets angry when I don't work on it. As I said, she supports me and knows my book will be successful if I ever get it done. I just don't have the energy and I can't sit too long at a desk to write much. It's frustrating! To complicate things even more, my wife now wants a child. That's another post in its self. Anyways, I love my wife and in her own twisted way she loves me back. Thanks again for your kind words. I have a book to write...I won't check out until I've completed that goal!
Posted 12/23/2011 2:05 AM (GMT 0)
It is hard for people who don't have pain to understand what it is like to have chronic pain. So try to be patient with your wife. Maybe if you described it to her she could understand. I have fibromyalgia, so I know how you feel.
When she expects you to go with her to your mother's, did you explain to her that it is too hard for you? If you don't tell her, she wont know. Maybe you should sit down and explain to her that it is hard for you to do things around the house. But do try to keep moving as much as you can. If you don't, you are going to become weaker. So I would suggest short walks if you can do it.

Keep after you SSD and your workman's comp.  They will fight to the very end, but you will win...

Good luck with your book. You must of had a very interesting job if your wife thinks you should write a book.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

Posted 12/23/2011 3:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hey what's done,
I'm sorry you're going through this. That makes me so upset for you that your job is fighting your workman's comp. It sounds like it was a cut and dry case. Makes no sense. Same with SSD. People should not have to fight so hard when they're already fighting just to stay above water.
I would suggest therapy if you're not already going. It might really help to get alot of this off your chest.
I hope you do write that book, I'll definately read it :)
Good luck to you!!
Posted 12/23/2011 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen...I've explained my condition to my wife over 1,000 times. I've told her and she has witnessed what our trips to visit her mother do to me. She sees how difficult it is for me when I wake up each day in pain. I don't know Karen...my wife, she gets it but refuses to get it!?! She can be so kind, loving, supportive and understanding one moment then the next minute she is putting me down, saying I'm lazy, unmotivated and so gosh darn lucky to not be working as if this was what I wanted. It's like flipping a light switch sometimes. She is stressing out over our finances, I get that, because I am too.

I use to enjoy running, but now I walk...more like limp with a cane. I haven't felt like taking a walk since my Drug Pump Implant surgery back on November 28th. Tomorrow I have a follow up appt. with my pain management doctor and I'm certain he will increase my dosage of morphine. I'm not sure why my pain has increased, other than the trip to NYC? I'm hoping I can start back with my Physical Therapy as well. The PT only helps for that moment, the very next day I'm feeling the same pain...in my muscles and my entire back.

I was a Police Officer for over ten years, so I do have stories to tell. It's a bunch of BS that the Brothers in Blue look after one another. At least that wasn't the case for me. A fellow Police Officer purposely caused an "accident" during a training exercise...so he could "win the game". As a result I have suffered seriouls injury to my neck, back (thoasic & lumbar) and left leg. I also lost not only my job, but my career. My reward was to be terminated and my initial workers compensation award denied. I had a 2-level cervical fusion surgery and a Drug Pump implant. My doctor has also recommended a 4-level Lumbar Fusion surgery, but I have to wait and pray I win my workers comp case, so they can pay for it. By the way, the cervical fusion failed...I still have daily pain and numbness in both my arms, hands and fingers. As I said before I use a cane to get around, but I am grateful I still can walk. I know it could have been much worse, I get that.

To add salt to my wounds, command staff "suggested" no one from the police dept. speak with me due to my workers comp case. The sadest part is that all but two have stopped speaking with me! These were the men and women who I trusted my life with! Command staff is so ashamed of how poorly they treated me that they were afraid the other officers would find out, so they encouraged them not to speak with me...how freakin sad! Basically they kicked me when I was down. I'm embarrassed to say I was a police officer with this department! But, oh boy do I have stories to share!!! By the way, I wrote all this is burst of energy...I guess that's how m going to have to write my book too. Well I've said too much... Thanks again Karen,I'm sure this has enlightened everyone as to where my mind is, as well as my physical state. I'll certainly let everyone know when I've completed my book!
Posted 12/23/2011 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
I think you will get the workers comp and the SSD. You sound like you are entitled to it. Especially because this happened at work. Don't give up. That is what they are hoping you will do. You could get a large settlement. Have you talked to an attorney? I think it would help you a lot.

I am sorry for your circumstances. It sounds so frustrating. And I am sorry that your wife doesn't understand. Maybe she is so use to you being the provider and strong one, that she doesn't know what to do. It sounds like she is over worrying too. Things are going to work out. It may be hard and it may be a fight, but you will get what you deserve. Have faith in that.

I hope that you are able to walk again. Go slow. But keep going. It gives us a sort of freedom feeling when we walk. I know it is difficult for you at this time, but keep trying.

Do you keep a journal? I kept a journal when I was working a couple of my jobs and it helped me. I kept track of how they were treating me. Anything that you write and date is a legal document. Even if it is just a journal. Keep that in mind.

I hope that you win your cases. Once you get the workman's comp settlement, you will be albe to dackle the SSD. Good luck to you.

Hugs, Karen
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