Wife is depressed over being unhappy in our marriage

Hi this is my first time to the site. My name is Jonathan.  I am looking for some insight to help my wife of 26 years and for myself. She wrote me a letter and an email today that ended like this:

The Letter:

Well here is to my end of the year evaluation. My life is shot to hell. I am here to serve others besides myself. My life is to be without passion and love. I am just here. I exist so that you and kids can be happy. I exist for the church to have someone else to blame for their dysfunction. Again, I am just here.

My real question is why I cannot be satisfied. I should happy. My husband adores me. My children are good and I should be happy. I have an opportunity to become a professor. It should be enough. There is nothing wrong with you. Everything is wrong with me.

 

Then the Email:

Jonathan:

I am sending this email to end out conversations concerning this. Look honey, I just wrote this letter so I could express my feelings that’s all. Truthfully, the ministry God gave to me has been destroyed. Our marriage is destroyed and my life is destroyed. Why would I expect you would destroys yours? Things are not going to change between us. I know you are sorry and all the explanations that you are trying to say but nothing is going to change. So just let it go.

I am just really depressed right now and have been depressed for months. I just think maybe I need to see someone before this gets out of hand.

I gave her the number to a psychogist that we both have used before. We are both pastoring together. I love her very much. She wants to end our marriage to free herself and be happy becasue me and kids are happy. She talks about wanted to end her life at times becasue could not leave the kids. (5 kids 15 - 25years old) Problems have been ongoing for about 12 years. Periods of her being happy then followed by long periods of being very unhappy.

 

 

Hi Jonathan,

I think that this problem lies within your wife and how she wants to approach getting better. I don't think it is anything that you have done, she just sounds to me to be very unhappy. But I am sorry she can't try to get better with you. She must feel she needs to be alone to do this. I am seeing this happen more and more on this forum. People getting depressed and leaving their partner to get better. They feel that is the only way that they are going to get well. I would take this one day at a time. Wait and see what happens. Hopefully she will see the psychologist before she makes her decision to leave.

Peace be with you... Welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen

Jim,
Right now I feel similar emotions to your wife's. I am exhausted from decades of taking care of other people: family, friends and our community. I would love to run away and just do things for me for awhile. I still love my husband and family, but over the years I starved my soul to take care of others.
I am not even sure if I have the energy anymore to follow my dreams.
Counseling didn't help, drugs didn't help. At the moment I am researching options about available resources for someone who wants to restart their life at 51.
I hope your wife continues to search for options and that you will support her trying to find her new identity. It won't be easy, but there are many possibilities out there.

Thank you:

Maggie
Jim
Subzeromambo
Chartreux
Karen

Thank you all for your answers of hope and help. Maggie, you are so right. My wife will be 47 in about six months and since the age of 10 she has been caring for everyone else. We are looking to take at least a year off to get her a rest to do the three things she says that really make her happy:

God
Family
Peace

She says that she is so busy helping others find and follow God she is missing out herself. Our family is loosing our present becasue we are always doing church. And lastly, she does not feel at peace with herself becasue she feels everyone wants more of her-she cannot give anymore.

Thanks

JayPa...I think Maggie is dead on...an if your wife has been taking care of oothers since the age of 10 no wonder. I think with some time to herself,meds and couneling I think you will see a big change. I will keep you in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.

Bless you, Amy

Hey Jay

I am so glad you stoped by and let us know.. and so glad she is starting to look afterherself a little.

Hey szm-i really don't have any wisdom as I am just realizing now how much of myself I have given up I don't recognize myself anymore. 20 years ago, I was a different person. Of course, we all change as life happens,, life is a dynamic, not static process.My shrink said I needed to start re-establishing another identity outside of my husband and daughter. I need to rediscover some former passions, which of course were always advocating for someone else-LOL-abused animals, children, mentally ill...I guess we don't change so much after all. Shrink said just be careful to not fall into that trap again, sublimating my needs for others. Women of my generation were raised to squash their own needs once they were married etc so it is hard to learn to put ourselves as Number !.

Let ME know szm, if you find any good ways to start over.

Again, good luck to you and your wife Jay and keep us posted.

maggie

why am i so afraid to go outside my house, answer my phone, check my messages, etc....I cant seem to focus on my work anymore, I feel like I'm doing a poor job at it, thank God I'm self employed, or I probably wouldnt even have a job anymore!!!! I use to be able to handle all the stress of owning my business, being a mother of 4, and life in general like it was nothing. Now everything seems to stress me out, and give me panic attacks... I just want to run away from it all sometimes..... My husband doesn't really understand it, things just tend to roll off of him, he doesnt seem to carry stress it seems like its all on me......and everything bothers me me so much I cant even sleep anymore!!! ??? lately i've been wanting to isolate myself from the world and I dont know why!! What is wrong with me???