Scared and depressed

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum but I thought talking to people who have similar struggles as me would help. My depression and anxiety got really bad about 4 years ago when I ended and really bad relationship. I was only 20 years old and was not ready for the type of commitment I was in plus my ex was not a nice person. He cheated on me several times and lied to me a lot. Anyway I have been with my living boyfriend josh for almost 3 years. I have been battling depression an anxiety from the beginning of our relationship and about a year ago convinced me to see my doctor. She put me on medicine and I too it for about 3 months and then stopped bc I didn't have time to go back to the doc for a refill. I have been able to manage everything pretty well until a few months ago. I started having panick attacks again about thinking I have every disease out there. They came in waves so after about a week I was able to be back to normal. Then Super Bowl weekend I had a really bad attack that seemed to come out of no where and the only person who could calm me down was my boyfriends mom bc she also deals with anxiety and depression. I battled with that attack for awhile and enever fully recovered from it. Then the beginning of this month after going to the gym I came home, my boyfriend and I live together, and got in the shower and all of a sudden had this wave of doubt and uncertainty and panick come over me that me and josh were not going tJo work out and I needed to get out of there. I have NEVER had these feelings towards josh before. Since this attack I have done nothing but cry and question everything about my relationship. Whether I am truly happy or whether josh really loves me. Like I said I have never felt this way before towards him. Even that day at work I was truly happy and saying how much I love him bc he sent me a really cute text. Then this happens out of the blue. Now I'm questioning if I'm falling out of love and that scares me bc I care about him so much why am I thinking this??? I went to the doctor and he put me on medication but that week I had a break down and ended up in the ER bc I couldn't stop crying and I feared it was making me worse. Since then the doc took me off those meds and referred me to a therapist and psychiatrist. I have seen a therapist twice so far and have yet to get a call to schedule an appt to see a psychiatrist. I have my next appt with the therapist tomorrow so I'll ask her about the referral for that but what I'm questioning is is my depression and anxiety the reason I have these feelings out doubt out of no where. Even some days when I feel "happy" I don't feel whole heartily happy like I'm faking or something and then it makes me question my relationship again!! It's an endless cycle it seems and I just want my life back. My normal loving life with my boyfriend. Has anyone else felt this way? What have you done to make your relationship stronger or do you really think I don't love him anymore. Thinking of this brings me to tears bc I couldn't imagine my life without him. There's not one reason why I wouldn't love him still. He has been there for me through all of this and I have put him through so much this past month bc I couldn't hide what I was feeling. Can someone help me an give me some advice???

Hi FeelingBlue,

Once you see your psychiatrist and get back on meds, I think you will be fine. I did notice that you were on meds before and you didn't see the doc for them because you didn't have time. You have to make time for yourself and take care of yourself and a part of that is taking your meds. I am sorry that the last ones that you tried didn't work out. Make sure to tell the psychiatrist what you have tried and how it worked for you. It is very important and can save you from trying a bunch of meds that don't work. There are many of them out there.

I would mention the anxiety and the problems that it seems to be causing you with your relationship. I have found a great way to relieve anxiety is to take life one day at a time. I find living in the moment keeps me from a lot of worry about the past and future. I don't question how I feel because I know how I feel at that very moment. You could be over thinking things and that could be causing you the excess anxiety.

Do keep posting. I hope that you get things sorted out soon. Talk to your therapist about all that you have written here. Maybe make a copy of it and read it to them. It is your feelings and it is important for them to know how you are thinking.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

There are so many of us on meds, and so many of us don't want to be. But with the way they balance the chemicals in our brains, it really helps. I hope your appointment goes well. Please do let me know how it goes.

Know that we all care about you.

Hugs, Karen

I didn't realize you wree diabetic Jim. Didn't read your sig close enough. I wish you the best with that. taking insulin sucks, but keeps you alive and well.

Thanks for being such a good mod.

Hugs, Karen