Hope this isn't against rules... I honestly just don't want to be alive anymore

I don't want to be whiny or have the moderators kick me off, but I don't know what to do. I really don't. For so so so long I've had no desire to live. No reason. I just do not want to be alive anymore but would like to want to. I've got a family that I know loves me but when I'm with them all I feel is this pain. Because I want to be like them. I want to live. I want to be able to let another person touch me. I want to be in love and so what people do. But I've never been like anyone. It's always been me in this bubble. No one gets in and I can't get out. Sometimes I try and it works for awhile but never for long because I'm not like other people. I get anxious. I become like another person. I get trapped in a black fog and the people around me suffer. I used to have this idea that I'd surround myself with pets but because of my anger, I had to get rid of my cats. Not even my houseplants can stay alive because I get depressed for weeks on end and don't feed myself let alone them. I want to travel and learn about different cultures. I want to meditate and buddhist temples. I want to road trip to the west where miners destroyed everything in their greed. There are so many things I want to do but I can't even get outta bed two weeks out of the month without wanting to throw up out of baseless fear. I want to be loved but when ppl try I chase them off or get so paranoid that I convince myself they're going o hurt me. I don't like to be touched. Who would love someone they could never touch? Who would want to take care of a psychopath? This is not something I haven't fought. I have tried doctor after doctor, medication, meditation, prayer, diet, exercise and I always end up having to figure it all out by myself which always leads to failure. One person coming along beside me is all it would take to save me. One doctor who would help me not to cover up my symptoms with medication that wont work or make more problems but who will monitor me and help me discover what's going on could keep me from this nightmare. But no. It's has always been just me. It will never change. Like I said, I don't want to be alive anymore. I haven't for a long time. I'm tired of fighting. I'm weak. I'm selfish. I want to find happiness and I am obviously not finding it in this broken body/mind. I just want a reason to live. And I can't think of one. Family, friends, the possibility of a promising future... none of those things bring me comfort even though I know they should. I feel like an awful person because I can't find joy in them. There doesn't seem to be any sort of future that doesn't involve struggling for my sanity month after month forever. That is not how I want to live. I'm just so tired of this game. When I try to tell people this, doctors and such, they don't believe me. They think maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I can't seem to express the complete overwhelming hopelessness I feel. The emptiness. I can't seem to be able to convince them that for me I know it isn't a matter of if but when. And that scares me. I can't help myself. I need a miracle. But so many many people do and they are in short supply.

Post Edited (Illmissucat) : 4/3/2012 2:23:48 PM (GMT-6)

Dear cat

I have had Major Depressive Disorder for going on 7 years. The worst moment of the day is the moment I open my eyes and realize I have to slog thru another meaningless day. I understand how you feel. I, too have taken countless meds, had 18 ECT treatments, been hospitalized 6-7 times in psych units. I have also done meditation, visualization, biofeedback, lots of prayer AND then more meds!!!

i have been lucky-I did find relief for 1-2 years with welbutrin and seroquel and occasional lorazepam. I wish I did not need meds, that I could be happy on my own, but depression is a physiological and neurological disorder of the brain...IT IS a disease, like my high blood pressure, I will take meds for that for a long time. There are things I can do to mitigate my high BP and my depression, but I will be on meds for the rest of my life. If that is what I have to do to feel joy, or friendship again, I will. I hope you can do this too-all it takes is the right combo for you, just you. Each of us is different in our recovery. Your guilt is a useless, destructive energy-sucker...put it aside and tell yourself every day that your life is NOT over, that there is a life out there for you. Do not stop seeking help, support...if you give up, who will fight for you??

I start new meds this week and I have high hopes. If not, I will try again and again. Until I get it right!! Will you take that journey with me?

Take good care and let me know how you are

I care

Maggie

Charles,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that your wife is in denial about your depression. That must be really hard. Do continue to post about you a lttle at a time if you feel like it. If you are comfortable with that. We would all like to help you as much as we can.

Hugs, Karen