Tired of Life & of Hurting

I just want to say a quick thing. From first to sixst grade, i was bullied by everyone. I allmost took suicide 4-5 times. And i was thinking it would'e never get better. But today i'm superhappy that i'm still alive. It sounds maybe a little strange that i wanted to take suicide just because of bullying. But when 20-30 peoples are teasing you or bullying you, you kinda thinks it's enough. My point is that lifes goes in curves. It changes all the time. And you just have to think about it on that way. Life will get better. You just have to find the right enviorments for you :)

Misterkatamari,

Stien is right, there are all kinds of curves and bumps in the road. I am concerned about your father though and you have every right to be worried. He needs to be able to see and hear good if he is going to drive. He needs to go to his appointments too. Could you get power of attorney over him? Something like guardianship? Or conwservator? Something where you can make proper decisions for him. Is he handling other things okay? Such as paying his bills and taking care of things? Let us know a little more about the situation on that part. You may have some decisions to make to take care of his welfare.

Talk to you again soon.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks everyone.

I have an older sister who is concerned about my father too, but she doesn't have to live with him everyday so it is hard for me to explain to her the severity of the problem. I don't think he's competent at all, really. It isn't 'normal' mental deterioration, though, because it isn't like he's a 90 year old man with dementia. He's just so sick, though, and he's going to die here eventually if something isn't done. Like I said, though, because he's basically psychologically sick, I think he would object to us trying to get power of attorney or anything of that nature--and I think he's still within his senses enough to contest us...I don't know, I just think it would get nasty...and all I want is for his and my life to be better than it is--has been for the last five years.

It's also annoying because he served in Vietnam for a long time, and was in the army for years after that--but is struggling to get any form of health coverage for his hearing aids from the VA. If he at least had that, maybe he would improve a little bit mentally--since he'd be able to hear better, at least.

My sister talks to me about all this, but that is all we ever really do--talk. I can't do anything on my own, legally, because I have no source of income and am basically disabled myself due to my own mental problems and chronic pain. So that's the real problem, I guess. If I was in good health and bringing in money, then I would probably have a shot at either convincing my dad of getting help--or getting legal powers to help him.

Also, no, he is horrible at paying bills. That is one of the main things that woke me up to how sick he was, aside from his mood swings. We were almost foreclosed upon because he deliberately skipped his mortgage payments for three months in a row...because he had to pay property taxes that he didn't save up for or plan for. He owns a horse at a ranch that he never sees and has ridden once, and he pays $200 a month to have it stabled and taken care of. He's had it there for five years now and has seriously ridden it one time. He won't get rid of the horse, and he is a habitual spender who goes out to get one thing from a store and comes home with bags of things that he 'thought we might need'. If I wasn't here, I think he would seriously be a major hoarder. But yeah, he is barely getting by financially even though he makes more than enough money to cover all his bills and save some back each month. It's so frustrating to me, because I know that I could take charge and deal with the money problem.

Ugh, I'm just so tired of living with him and having to deal with all of this. I just wish I could have my own life, but instead I'm basically tied to my father and this house and town...it's, well, frustrating.

Thanks again, Karen.

I just get overwhelmed sometimes. I love my dad, but I also have to deal with so much anger I have towards him. I guess those two feelings can often go hand in hand. I get so upset because of how he treats himself and his family, if I didn't care then I wouldn't be upset about it.

I'm in the process of appealing a disability denial right now, for SSDI & SSI. If I had my own income, I think it would really help me and everyone else in the household out. At least I'd feel somewhat independent again, like I have a choice in my life or something.

But claiming disability, I think, would also be difficult to do if I became my dad's legal guardian. I think it would reflect poorly on me in terms of case reviews and what not. That's why I think I need my sister's help with it. We spoke about it more today, and we're really concerned about the situation right now. The skin cancer thing is so bad, I can't imagine what is going through his head. Sometimes he says things that are blatantly suicidal, but then he also clings to material objects and physical things because they are 'his' and doesn't want to give up doing chores or finances because it gives him meaning. So he acts like he wants to die, basically, but at the same time he clings strangely to things and acts like he's afraid of dying or getting old.

He just really needs to see a doctor, a therapist, and get his physical problems looked at. All his health problems intermingle, so it is hard to tell exactly what is causing what. But without his initiative, it's impossible to get anything done.

I've tried all I could so far, so I guess all I can do is stress how improtant it is to my sisters and try to get something moving.