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Advice on how to help my bf

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Posted 4/10/2012 4:48 PM (GMT 0)

I  hope I'm not in the wrong spot.  I just don’t know where to turn and I need advice.  I'm sorry if this post seems insensitive or is not welcomed here.

 

My boyfriend recently told me he is severely depressed and not sure he wants to be with me anymore.  I honestly had no idea it was this bad.  I've know for a while he was depressed and having problems, but really didn't know he was headed in this direction.  He told me he just wants to be alone to work this out on his own, which I feel is a terrible idea, he needs support. (ok I'm scared of him leaving me for good but I also want to be there to support him)  Things were really good between us until about 2 months ago, which is when I think his depression really set in for him.  I just need some advice on what is normal for someone dealing with depression, I've been reading a lot about how I can help him and what I should do but I have some specific questions.

 

1.  He has been pulling away physically from me for about a month and I can be patient for him to feel better if I need to.  But I'm wondering if I should just continue to be affectionate to him, small things like touching him when I walk by or touching his leg when we are sitting on the couch.  I don't want him to think I'm pulling away from him because of this, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.

 

2.  He will go days with out touching me (we still have a pretty good communications going) but then sometimes at night it’s like he needs to be with me.  But honestly it makes me feel like a cheap *****, there really is no affection with it.  I don't want to turn him down and make him think I'm pulling away.  Honestly I don't know how to deal with anything right now.  Is this normal behavior for depression?

 

3. Also when he says he just wants to move out and be alone, how is the best way to deal.  I don't want to beg him to stay or cry because I think it makes it worse for him.  But I don't want to just give up on him.  This is the man I was planning to spend the rest of my life with so I'm really looking for the best way I can help him and stay strong for him.  Any advice on how to proceed with him would be appreciated.  Thank you,

Posted 4/10/2012 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Willitwork7,

Welcome to the depression forum. You are probably not going to like my advice, but when somebody is depressed and says that they want to work on it alone, it is best to let them do so. Actually they have to do this by themselves. With help from a counselor or a psychiatrist. If he isnt' going to counseling, I would encourage it. He would get direction and perspective there.

It sounds to me like he is getting his physical needs met, but he is not sharing emotionally or being romantic at all. This sounds like he is being cold towards you. I really think that the best thing that you can do is to encourage counseling, let him work this out on his own, and let him know that you are there for him if need be. I wouldn't push anything on him right now. I would give him space. It doesn't sound like he is in a very good place mentally. If it is meant to be, he will come back to you. But you can't make him love you or even want you. It has to come from him.

I hope that this works out for you. I hope that you can be happy.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/10/2012 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
He is starting therapy this week, and I am supporting that. I have let him know I will be here to support him in anything he needs. I guess I should have been clearer on how I want to help him. I know there is nothing I can do to make this better. My dad battled PTSD and depression for years but this is a totally different side of the coin for me. I just don't know what to do right now. We have a 10 month old together so its not like either one of us can just walk away from this. He says he still loves me, and every once in a while I see the man under the pain. It just makes my heart ache. I won't press him, but its hard for me to break habbits I've form with him over the last couple years.

I guess my biggest problem is that I feel helpless. The worst for me is that I feel uncomfortable in my own home. Sorry I really did start this post to be able to help him, but it sure does seem more like its about me right now.

Thanks for the advice, I'm just going to hope that sitting back and letting him have his space will help him.

Post Edited (willitwork7) : 4/10/2012 4:43:07 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/10/2012 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
You have a good head on your shoulders and that is going to help you to help him. Sometimes in these situations, we ourselves need a little bit of help. Others will be on soon to offer more advice. Just let him know that you are there for him. That is about the best we can do in these types of situations. I know you want what is best for him. It will work out. I am happy that you share a little one. Work on things to make yourself feel more at ease. It is bad when you don't feel like you are comfortable in your own home. That is one of the worst feelings. Keep the faith. One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
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