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Pimping out my Thoughts

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Posted 4/17/2012 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Don't you just love the medical field, how they get us to pay someone to listen to us. It's like we are pimping out our thoughts!

I've come up with some crazy crap and feel I should be paid for entertaining others. Seriously though I want my life back.

Charles
Posted 4/17/2012 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
I hear you loud and clear!  Although I have to admit that after a year of this crap, I do believe we are in the "if wishes were dollars" zone!

Prayer seems to be our strongest hope! Mindfulness our strongest daily weapon!

Posted 4/17/2012 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
It's difficult to maintain a sense of mindfulness when they have you on all sorts of medication. I'm currently taking Wellbutrin and Cymbalta and it's not enough.

I have to wait for my first appt. with a Psychiatrist before my meds are switched around. Right now it's just my PCP who has prescribed the Wellbutrin and he's not comfortable dealing with it. The Cymbalta is being prescribed by my PM doctor for pain control and not for depression.

As it is, the Wellbutrin has turned off the faucet...couldn't cry if my life depended on it. The Cymbalta makes me feel numb, like an outsider looking in. I feel detached and void of emotions.

I lost my job/career and my sense of identity. I suffer chronic pain and can no longer work. There is nothing that can be said or done to make me feel like I once was. I don't want to think of myself as a survivor or a victim. I am angry about the senseless and reckless manner in which I became disabled and lost everything. I don't know what I am suppose to do with the rest of my useless life??

Charles
Posted 4/18/2012 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
You take it one day at a time Charles. Lower the expectations to ground zero and go up from there. Your life has changed and you need to accept that. It isn't easy I know. But if you don't you will be forever unhappy. Sometimes we have situations where we can't do what we use to, as I do with my fibromyalgia, but I try not to dwell on that and think about the things that I can do. It is a lot less than it was, but it is something. It is difficult, when we find ourselves in this situation. Stop and smell the roses. Start noticing the little things in life. Make headway that way. It takes practice, but it can be done. If you continue to dwell on this, you will not move forward. One day at a time Charles.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/18/2012 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Isn't it crazy how medical doctors get us to pay them to diagnose and treat our infections, broken bones, and other health issues?

Guess we are just pimping out our bodies when we go see a doctor because we have a broken leg or because we had a heart attack or our appendix is about ready to burst.
Posted 4/18/2012 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, you are right...one day at a time. However, the time drags by. The more I try to do something the more limitations I find I have. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

For example, I messed up my point, because Jim doesnt get what I was trying to say. Or maybe he does, but he's having fun with it? I can't seem to say what I mean or do anything right. I guess I just need someone to tell me to shut up. I almost feel like that's Jim's message to me. I'm sorry... I get so confused...I don't sleep anymore and I can't shut off my mind. The flashbacks are overwhelming me. I keep telling myself I'd feel better if I'd actually shave or showered, but what's the point? I have zero energy and zero motivation. Heck, even my lawyers don't communicate with me. I have no clue where I stand with either case. I've stopped trying to figure out what day or time it is. I don't wear a watch anymore...no need.
Posted 4/18/2012 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
No Worries.  I suppose the point would be is to keep you monster at bay and to take some of the stress off your self.

So don't wear the watch, I don't, I have no need to track time now most day.  HOWEVER!  I can not let the 4 members of my family that abused me for 17 years win.

So I shower at least 6 out of 7 days.  I get my self to church at least once a month.  I read a devotional.  I attend a free support group in my area.  Reserach this NW drepression groups are all over the nation.  You don't have shave, just trim it.

Adjust, the best you can. Look up DBT and CBT skills on the internet and practice them.  Try VERY hard to turn some of that energy you  have burning in anger to helping you cope.  Read about mindfulness it can be done. While walking, eating

drink water, washing hands, etc.. the littlest things.

I still have very dark days, but I push myself get up and act the human being I am and refuse to let the ******s and *****s win!

If you are breathing you have fight left.  And by the way, Karen is right.

Posted 4/18/2012 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys! Karen is always right. Just because I know what I should do doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I need a push. However, one more bad thing and I'm going to explode.

Once my medication is adjusted I'm hoping I will feel better. I just have to wait until May 23. Appts. With Psychiatrists are three months out! I can't believe how long it takes to see one. Northern Virginia is very messed up!
Posted 4/18/2012 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
But knowing does make it easier. It brings you that much closer to a solution. It is hard to stay in the moment and live one day at a time, but it can be done. You have to let go. When I got fibromyalgia, I never knew what i was going to be able to do at any given tine, so I had to surrender to living life one day at a time. And it took the weight right off of my shoulders. I get up with the attitude that it is going to be a good day and generally it is. I find myself looking forward to getting up in the mornings where I use to dread it. Struggles became challenges to me. I have learned to face things head on. We have to, it is our right. I also found a mood stabilizer helped me. That really changed my life.

I am sorry that you have such a long wait to see your psychiatrist. Is this going to be the first time, or is a follow up? If you are desperate and it is a follow up, could you call him and let him know what you are going through? I know if it is a new doctor, they don't know your history. Either way, I hope that you get it sorted out.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/18/2012 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, it will be my first time seeing a Psychiatrist. Meanwhile I am taking anti-depressants prescribed by my regular doctor.

Getting up and wanting to requires a purpose and I don't have one. I loved my job and would go even though I felt sick. I identified with my job and it was my identity. My Psychologist wants me to view myself as a survivor and not a victim. I don't see myself as either. To be a victim is weak, to survive a reckless accident is beyond my comprehension. My biggest issue right now is the images and voices I see and hear related to my job. These flashbacks are messing with my mind. I can't sleep, so I'm constantly being bombarded with these flashbacks. I don't bother sharing this with my wife. She already thinks I shouldn't see anyone.

I don't know...I wish I could stop thinking. I'm so tired...
Posted 4/18/2012 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
I hope tht your psychiatrist appointment goes well. I use to think too much until I started taking abilify. It is an antipsychotic, and bipolar med, but also good for stabilizing moods. It has really worked well for me. Hopefully the psychiatrist will find what works for you. It may take a little time, but just don't give up hope. You can be happy again with your life.

Have you ever tried meditation? It is something we can do with our minds to help control the way we feel. It is natural. So you should try to tap into it. Don't let your wife talk you out of seeing your psychiatrist. I can't for the life of me see why she would want to. You need the help.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/19/2012 8:42 AM (GMT 0)
Several times in different posts you have made the comment about "pimping" out your thoughts and emotions and your related comments have seemed to indicate that you find something fundamentally wrong with going to a p-doc and that it is some kind of scam and that p-docs are some kind of modern "snake oil" salesman closely related to the ones you see in westerns selling cure all medicines out of their wagons.

My above comments were made to try to get you to see that there is no difference between going to your family doctor or any other doctor when you have a physical injury or illness and going to see a p-doc when you have an emotional or mental injury or illness.

Believe it or not I do understand your feelings in this matter, and I have a really good idea where and how they have developed, but I am deeply concerned that if left unchecked your views and attitudes about going to a p-doc will slow your healing process and I sincerely want you to start getting back to feeling like you want to as fast as you can.
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