This is my first time on this site. I have been in a bad depression for more than 6 months now and I just have no one to talk to about it. So many ups and downs, my moods are so inconsistent and it's driving me crazy! Lately it seems to be much worse than usual. I'm starting to become worried that this is who I am now and this is the exact opposite of who I want to be. The things is, this should be a happy and fun time for me. This is my life right now on the outside...I am 31, got married to the love of my life last july, have great in-laws, supportive family, my husband and I run an organic juice bar that is starting to become successful (been in business for a year now), we are moving into a fabulous house in one month, AND I just found out I'm pregnant, about 4 weeks along, which is such a blessing. I'm looking at what I just wrote and it sounds like, "what the heck is she complaining for, can anything make this woman happy?" That was the outside view, the inside view is dark, sad, depressed, angry and EXTREMELY LONELY. This is why I feel so confused and lost, it's not like I have a bad life or anything, but on the inside I'm struggling everyday with low self-esteem and lack of confidence in myself. I have isolated myself so much in the last year that I am now realizing I don't really have that many close friends anymore. I have tons of great acquaintances but hardly any REAL friendships right now where there is trust. I think now it has come to be a social anxiety problem when I go to social gathering, which is very rare now a days. I went to a wedding last weekend and for 2 months before, I was so incredibly filled with anxiety that I almost didnt go which would have hurt my husband a lot because it was his best friend who was getting married. What it all boils down to is, now I have pushed so many people away I am terrrified to let people in my world because what if they don't like me? I know that sounds ridiculous, but that is how I feel. I feel much of the time, that people don't like me because I have don't have very many friends right now. I'm not from the area where I live right now and that is hard on me because it's hard to make close friends and even harder when you're depressed and feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone.
Its seems like all I want to do is be alone, watch tv, go on internet, sleep and play with my 2 cats and I have no enegy for anythings else and absolutely no creativity going on in my brain.
What can I do become happier within myself? I have been looking for outside things to make me feel better all my life but it never works. Does anyone feel this same way? And what have you done to overcome this irrational thinking?